Shifting the Way I Think

It is no secret that I struggle with the "work/life balance" I'm always looking for extra time, worrying about family when I'm at work, and worrying about work when I'm with family. I have a hard time fully committing to what I'm doing, b/c I'm always worrying about what I'm not getting done.

I've lamented the fact that I didn't get enough done leading up to this point, and that is why I am struggling to get tenure. Which I'm not even sure I am. I might be fine. But I know I could have done better leading up to now. But lately I've realized:

I've been doing what I had to do. I've been living.

Yes, it's been a harried type of living, but that's life. A lot of academics wait to have kids until (at least) after they graduate, and even more until most of their tenure pubs are out or they've gotten tenure. But I decided I'd rather have kids. And I did.

Child care when we lost Tim's mom as full time help. Tim in the morning and me from three until beditme. Productive? No. But necessary. And of course, with our awesome family, I got a lot of help.

A second job when we needed extra income. Sometimes I look back and I wonder what I was thinking. That was a lot of time each week I could have been writing.

But

We needed it. And it was a lot of extra time with my mom. It was a lot of fun. And it was part of what our family needed to to at that time.

Training for multiple races when I could use those long run mornings to fit extra work in. Duh. But, I love running, and now I can say I've run 2 half marathons and the Broad Street Run. And I will do it again.

Working out when I could be working? Same as above.

So whether I get tenure or not next year*, I can happily say that I didn't put my life on hold while I was working toward it. Have I made people's lives miserable in the process? Probably a little. Have I stayed up nights worrying? Yes.  But I haven't missed out. At least not on that much.

And so next time I'm up late worrying, I'm going to remember that it is all part of life. I love my job, I feel like I'm supposed to be there, But if I have to find a new one, that might be okay, too.

I realized that this post alternately makes me sound like a self-satisfied do-it-all, a horribly disorganized procrastinator, or a delusional pre-emptive rationalizer in  case I don't get tenure. I hope I'm none of the above, but maybe I'm all three. My only point is that I am going to step back and try to measure my accomplishments by more than whether or not I get tenure/succeed in the workplace/etc. And in doing so, embrace a fuller definition of success and living.

* Bold statement, I know. Check in with me if I don't get tenure next year, and remind me about these grand thoughts.

Edited to add: I wrote this a few days ago and didn't post because I wanted to add a picture. In the meantime, I looked up a colleague who graduated after I did and saw that she already has two publications this year. TWO! And three for last year?! I'm hanging on hoping one of my revise and resubmits will come out. A true test of my new perspective.

Prayed a bit, got my priorities in check, and I'm better now. Only thinking about it once every two minutes, which is  big break from the once a minute I was thinking about it before.

A total work in progress.

Those Summer Nights

Yesterday was a total mom day. It contained two of the critical elements of mom-hood: play and care. First, all three kids went to the dentist. Tim and I walked among each of them as they got their teeth checked and cleaned. Even Mac wanted some extra loving as she waited for the dentist. And in a sign that I am bumping up on becoming the mom of a tween, we were referred to the orthodontist. I don't even want to think about it.

When we got home, Mac was really insistent on wanting to go to the park. So while dinner was cooking, we went to the playground by her school, and boy, did she talk. She told me about what they play on the playground, stories about each of her friends, and how her teacher talks about the students but covers her mouth with a soda bottle so students can't hear what she is saying (although Mac says they hear every word). We were outside (!), talking, and laughing. It was a great and much needed mother daughter time that I hope to repeat very soon.

After dinner, we sat down to watch the 6th Harry Potter movie. We've been working our way through them since listening to the third book on CD while driving to/from vacation. Miles had other, more disruptive ideas, so I took him for a walk outside. There is very little that I enjoy more than holding his little hand. It has got to be one of the sweetest feelings in the world! As we rounded the culdesac, our neighbor came out and gave us fresh vegetables from his garden. And we wound up staying and talking for quite a while. During this time, Miles got free, stepped in poop,and  smeared it on my leg when I picked him up. Good times!

All joking aside, it really was good times. I love the days when I feel like I am helping the kids and doing real "mom" stuff. Sometimes I worry that we don't do enough outside, or play enough without video games or TV. Like most summers, this one is flying by, and I feel like I haven't done half of the stuff that screams "summer." But last night, I felt like we nailed it, and it was great.

New Chapters

This is me handling stress. Really, you wouldn't know from the picture that this was one of the most stressful dinners on record. Miles wouldn't calm down, which included throwing everything and screaming at the top of his lungs. Mac and Oli -- behaving marginally better than Miles. Tim and I squabbled over seating arrangements, and it turned out that I was (!) wrong. All of the drinks had rum and fruit juice -- too much sugar!! That was my surface stress. Everything else was simmering under the surface. What, you ask? See below.

While we are hitting the point in the summer where all of the days start to blend together, things are definitely staying fresh for us. We are in a time of change, and very soon, hope to be starting a new chapter.

The biggest transition is Tim opening a martial arts school. When he sold his school a few years ago, he thought about leaving martial arts altogether. However, after a few months away, and realizing he didn't have a ton of other options that he would both enjoy, and held the same potential for profit, he went back into martial arts. He worked for his friends for a year and a half, and it went well. But between a long commute and the fact that we had always owned his own business, he decided it was time to leave. We had scoped out possible locations around our house when he sold his school two years ago, and knew our choices were limited. And while a viable option presented itself pretty quickly, negotiations fell apart and we are back to square one. He is in talks now with another location, but it is expensive, which is scary. I believe in what he can do, but I worry about the months it will take to really get the business off the ground.

A lot of our other changes hinge on the school. For example, we are back into mega-budgeting mode. Or at least trying to get there. We are a one-income family now. We have savings, and start-up money for the school that we can use, but the goal is to live off of my income until things get going. Definitely doable, but definitely a challenge. We've already cut the obvious places (cheap phones, cable, etc.), but we've been indulging in a lot of extras lately (soccer jerseys, anyone?). I am making it a renewed challenge to eat healthy on a budget. And in what I'm taking as a good sign, this cookbook came across my Facebook feed. I think we spend @ $180/week when all is said and done. My goal for this month is $140. Not extreme, but $40/week can really add up. Bye bye green smoothie powder!

Babysitting? Schedules? Can't really make them until we know what is going on with the karate school. If we don't figure it out soon, we could lose our babysitter, which would be a disaster. But one thing I know, regardless of schedules, is that I am getting to at least a 35 hour work-week of smart work (i.e. no Facebook or blogs until tasks are finished). Period. I am going to be working like its, well, my job. This is my last year before my tenure review, and things are kicking into high gear. I am close to the point of no return with publications -- in another two or three months, anything I submit likely won't be published in time for consideration, given the time it takes for the editorial process. Previously a quip, "publish or perish" is now my mantra.

Cathing. Oli now gets catheterized every three hours. Or an approximation of that. We have to get more regular, and get him more involved, so that he can start to do it himself. He seems in no rush, and does not seem to anticipate the day that he won't want me to do it. However, we can't leave him anywhere (playdate or babysitter) for more than three hours, and this is only going to get harder once Tim and I are both working.

I guess a lot of what we need comes down to structure. Structure is hard in the summer, especially since Tim and I are basically on opposite clocks. I'm wavering between absolutely overwhelmed and up for the challenge. So maybe what I need, then, is just to relax, be smart but not crazy, and take things as they come.

Nah.

It is the beginning of a new month, and we just got back from an amazing vacation, so the time is ripe for change. And there is pumpkin ale at Whole Foods, so that means the bittersweet routine of fall is just around the corner. Maybe a little of each (routine + beer) is just what I need.

Painful Conversations

I'm listening to Tim talk to Oli in the other room, answering Oli's questions about 1) whether his friend Ian will still like him even though he wears diapers, 2) why he was born this way, and 3) why he wasn't born a cat or a dog (Yes, the questions run the gamut). It is breaking my heart, and we are getting more of these questions than ever. We've started catheterizing him, in the hopes that he can get out of diapers. Although I question doing it, b/c it isn't medically necessary, it is clearly very important to him to be out of diapers.

Oli is such a sweet boy, so patient in his questions, and as of yet, not angry. I fear that someday he will be, and I won't know how to handle it. We got the name of a therapist, who I have put off calling, but think I will do it now.

I want to give him all of the resources he needs to be happy and successful, but sometimes it is overwhelming, for both me and him. So far, we have operated under the philosophy of getting him what he needs, but without making spina bifida the driving force behind everything he does. So, he is not in 5 different therapies, which could be helpful to him, but in focusing more on family outings and family time, we hope he leads a more "normal" life. Now that he is getting older, and his peers are doing so much that he can't do, this philosophy might have to be tweaked. It his hard to find "typical" sports and activities that he can be part of, but there aren't a lot of choices for kids with disabilities in the local vicinity. We are lucky to live near Philly, which has the potential to offer more, but with two other kids and two full time jobs between us, Tim and I can't take advantage of all of these opportunities. And cathing, though a wonderful way to get him out of diapers, keeps us bound to him every 2-3 hours, which means we can't really be mobile for much more than that in each outing.

At the end of the day, I want him to be active and engaged. I need to figure out the best possible way to do that and keep 1) my sanity 2) his sanity 3) Mackensie and Miles satisfied. I am a big believer in less is more (activities, stuff, etc.), but I don't want to fall into the trap of too little too late.

Food Snob

In my effort to be healthy, I've cut down and cut out a lot of stuff. I try really hard not to have added sugar, too much dairy, or just about any bread. I use honey, if anything to sweeten. We use cocunut milk instead of regular milk. I make meat roll-ups or salads instead of using bread or wraps. For the most part, Tim does the same. I definitely feel healthy, and I think* I'm not as bloated as I used to be.

However...

In thinking about our budget, I realized that a lot of the cheaper meals that I can make rely on types of bread. Spaghetti came to mind. Turkey sandwiches for lunch. Pancakes. Or tacos without meat.

So...

I'm thinking I might have to suck it up and eat it up. PB&J once in a while won't kill me. Beans and quinoa alone are good in a taco -- skip the meat. Eat pancakes when I make them for the kids, rather than making eggs for myself. Keep to the greens and healthier stuff, but don't make a special trip when I run out, and don't make two meals for one meal time. Eat one pot, eat in bulk, and like it.

I read an article a couple of years ago that talked about how only richer nations, America specifically, are concerned about diet drinks, diet foods, and calorie counting. Because in a lot of other areas, people need all of the calories they can get. And when I start to go overboard, and spend overboard, I feel truly convicted by that thought.

Let me say that as far as I know, I don't have any dairy, gluten, or other food issues. I've made my food choices totally based on health and/or calorie preference. That is what makes me a food snob in my mind. If you have food issues, then it makes 100% total sense to cut out food groups and make substitutions to any extent necessary.

Even though I doubt I'll be having a big pasta dinner anytime soon, I am going to work on loosening up. I want to find the balance between budget and health. I think it is a fine line between eating as healthily as possible (primarily whole foods) and being stringent to the point of being wasteful (throwing out a bun that came with a hotdog). 

Besides, until beer and ice cream can be considered "whole foods," I'm a lost cause anyway.


*This may totally be mind over matter.