Often, in the same day, I will think "I really love my job" and "I wish I didn't have to work outside the home." There would be something so satisfying about being able to focus the bulk of my time and attention on maintaining a clean and orderly house, really being able to focus more on the kids, and creating a good environment for me and Tim. It's not to say that I don't do all that, but I know where I fall short. I can't plan ahead, I don't anticipate, and the details get lost. I'm in perpetual survival mode. For example, I have all sorts of thoughts swirling in my head about cute valentines day crafts and ways to make the kids and Tim feel special on V-day. Hanging paper projects? Special V-day breakfast? Cards? Decorations? And don't forget about school! The kids need Valentines for friends, party goodies, and I often see them come home with little goody bags put together by other parents. And when I see those, I think "Who has time for that?" And there is a little scorn in my tone. But really, it's a bit of jealousy, too. And I know when the day comes, I will have hopefully have cobbled together a small basket of goodies for each kid, and maybe a card for Tim. It will be fine, but how nice to be able to do more, something that the kids remember and think "I'm so glad my mom did that." Or something that makes Tim think "My wife really loves me. She treats me so well."
Two things: 1. I realize Valentines day isn't that big a deal. It is a fun mini-holiday, and nothing more. But it is just an example of one of the times that I want to put planning and forethought into something, and it just doesn't get done. 2. I realize that the time spent with the kids and Tim is the way to show them that I love them. And luckily, I think I have that important part down. But it is more the little details that get lost in the shuffle, and I want to find a way to capture them. That is when I wish my focus was only on God, family, and building a better world through the details.
But--
I also love my job. There are days when I am writing or lesson planning (instead of procrastinating, like I'm doing now) where I sit back and consciously think "I love this." There are days when I don't, but I think that's normal. I wish that I could devote more time to it. I think I could be better at it. I want to be great at it. I try to find bits of time, after the kids are in bed, to devote to it. I've found that an afternoon dark roast is critical to achieving this nighttime burst of productivity. And even when I don't get everything done, when I look back at my week, I find more often than not that I'm hitting the big things now. Here, too, I would love to be able to pay more attention to the details. Read new articles as they come out, really explore in research rather than patch stuff together just to get it done.
I still strive to be better at both parts of my life, but I am currently in a place where I can happily accept where I am in each. I think a lot of this has come through prayer. Praying to God that I am focusing my attention in the right place. Asking Him to tell me if I should be pursuing more time home with the kids, or if teaching and writing really is where he wants me. And He has opened up new doors of opportunity at work that make me feel like I am in the right place right now, and that is comforting. So I will keep balancing until He tells me otherwise. Giving my best to both areas.
Will I be stressed?
Of course. It's hard wired into me. But for the most part, it is different now.
Will I be over-caffeinated?
Yes, probably.
It's a really good thing that I love coffee :)
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