Happy Thanksgiving!

Our day yesterday continued as well as it started.we made it into the museum, and a wheelchair and tickets were waiting for us. Oli did a great job wheeling and walking throughout the
Museum. We ran into his old PT, Ms. Ruth and her family. It was Ruth who got us into this tradition in the first place, so it was great to see her there. When we left, we were caught on the queue to see the balloons again. It was crowded, but cool to see all of the balloons ( including spidey) inflated now. We finished up with Starbucks and headed home.

Today I was up and met Beth and her friend Alena for a Turkey Trot in Princeton. Now I home watching the
parade with the kids. It is so cool to see the balloons from yesterday now in the parade.

I am thankful for our family traditions and the family that goes with them!

At the museum

We may have finally done it right! this is our third year coming into NYC to see the parade floats be inflated. The plan is always to get in, go to the American Museum of Natural History, and then hop outside to see the balloons. The first year, we missed the museum, looked for parking for an hour, then saw the floats. The next year, we took the train, struggled through the subways (we thought oli was big to carry then!), made it to the museum and then the floats. This year I called ahead of time and secured a wheelchair and tickets. We drove in, hit no traffic, parked in a garage (moderate
rip off) and saw the balloons half inflated. Viewing doesn't start until 3, but since the balloons are big and right out on the street, we could see them as we walked up.

Our day has sort of stalled, as we are now stopped for lunch at UNO. After this, we are back across the steer and into the museum. Here is what we have seen so far.

Things I'll Miss

We are fortunate enough to be in the final stretch of moving. Everything is settled but our mortgage. That is a big hurdle, and we are holding our breath until that is through. But on the buyers end, everything seems settled, so ready or not, we are moving anywhere between 11/23 and 12/6.

We are really excited about the move, and luckily, so are the kids. But as I go through the days completing tasks and going places, I find myself wondering if this will be the last time I go there/do that. I know this is a normal part of moving, but it reminds me how bittersweet a move really is.

1. I will definitely miss easy access to my family. This goes without saying, and isn't one of the mini-epiphanies I am talking about. I've realized this all along. But on a "things I'll miss" list, this has to go on top. Dinner at mom's, runs with Beth, and being not too far  grandma for a weekend visit, are all things that won't be as easy once we move. Also, when I get locked out at our new home, I will be completely screwed b/c there will be nobody to borrow keys from. Did I mention the babysitting?

2. My gym. It sounds dumb, especially coming from me, but I really like my gym. I like the classes, the feel, and the vibe. I went a lot over the summer, and kind of tapered off as I concentrated on running leading up to the half marathon. But lately (especially with the cold weather) I have been back to the gym, and I really enjoy it.

3. Our pediatrician. I am taking Mac and Oli for flu shots today and I realize this might be our last visit there. I went there when I was little. They have been so great with both kids, and especially helpful about fitting us in whenever we needed something. In Oli's baby days, when we didn't have any answers about his hydrocephalus, legs, or anything else, they were always kind and patient. And when Mac hid under the exam table, screaming, and had to be restrained by no less than me and 2 nurses to get a shot, they were so kind and patient. Service like that can't be replaced.

4. Our library. I looooove our library. I took Mac weekly when she was a baby. Both kids have spent lots of time there. Although we go less now that the kids are in school, all of the librarians know us, and I don't think that there is ever a time when at least one of us doesn't have something out on loan. It is a beautiful place with lots of choices, and we can borrow from any other library in Middlesex county. I haven't bought a book for myself  in years because the selection is so good!

5. My Starbucks. Because working at home isn't always conducive to getting work done, I have a trio of Starbucks that I rotate among when I need to get out of the house to be productive. They are my happy places, and have seen me though coursework, dissertation, lesson plans, and other papers. Just as research shows that you can improve test performance by studying in the location that you will take the test, I think that I am productive in Starbucks where I have been productive in the past. Like my productivity is imprinted.

I'm sure that there is so much more that I will think of as I visit over the next few weeks. This isn't meant to be a downer, b/c a) I realize I'm fortunate to have had all of these places, and b) I do realize we are only moving an hour away, and that things aren't that different there. This is more of a fond remembrance, looking forward to the future. And I realize that no matter where we go, Tim, the kids, and I will make great memories and a great home. And no matter where we go, the love and support of our truly wonderful parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and grandparents will be with us.

Moving Forward

Our family is doing a lot of moving, literally.

The two big moving events in our life are: the Hershey Half Marathon, and moving to Pennsylvania.

Before

After

First things first. This weekend, Beth and I completed our first half-marathon. It was about 3 months in the training, and it was awesome well worth it. We ran through Hershey Park and around the town of Hershey. The weather was great and the scenery was beautiful. In true form, Beth and I talked through pretty much the whole thing. The first 10 miles were great. The last three were torture. I think that is partly b/c the two of the last three looped around the parking lots, so that we actually had to pass the stadium where we would finish, and then run indefinitely to the end. I know it wasn't indefinite, b/c there was a set number of miles, but b/c we were just looping around the parking lot, it seemed extra long. However, the race ended in Hershey Stadium, where family and friends of all the runners (5,000 of us) were cheering us all on. It was so great and emotional that once we hit the stadium, we sprinted the last 1/4 mile or so and wound up finishing with a respectable time of 2:07 (I'm sure there are seconds to add somewhere, but I don't know exactly what they are).
The whole family came up the night before (Mom, Dale, Beth, Krys, Amanda, Me, Tim and the kids). We stopped at PSU for homecoming, and then headed up to Hershey to pick up our race packets and go to chocolate world. Then a delicious pre-race dinner where I indulged in way more carbs than usual. After the race, we walked around Hershey for the day. I had a horrible headache -- not sure if it was race related or not -- but that much time with our family is the perfect cure for all that ails you. We had a great time!
The other type of move on our plate is moving to PA. The high cost of living in NJ has gotten to us, and we are packing up to move closer to my campus in Abington. It is a suburb of Philly (about 1/2 hour or so outside of the city, depending on traffic). We were lucky enough to get a bid on our house after a few weeks, and even though we have some worries about it, we are moving through attorney review. Assuming all goes well, we will be moving in early December. So we have been on a mad hunt to find a house in PA. After spending all of our free time (really -- all of it -- and some that wasn't free) looking for houses, we have pretty much narrowed it down to the town of Springfield. We are going for a second look at our favorite house today, and then checking out a few new while we are there. We are hoping to choose a house to bid on today.
Moving is definitely bittersweet. We will miss our being so close to our families, and I hate taking the kids out of school. But everything is so much cheaper in PA, and best of all, Oli immediately qualifies for Medicaid. That will be a huge help with medical bills! Plus, being close to campus will be a nice change for me. Altogether, it makes a lot of sense, but I still get sad when I think of leaving our house and close proximity to all we love. But move forward we shall, as long as all things mortgage related work out.
Finally, has been moving like a maniac! Something has changed, whether it was his age/maturity level, or mine and Tim's redoubled effort, but Oli walks almost everywhere now. Inside the house, outside the house, all over the place. It is awesome! We still went ahead with the plan to order his wheelchair. He got fitted last week. It is a sporty wheelchair that is very easy to manage. There was no learning curve -- he was wheeling around the hallway at CHOP IMMEDIATELY! We couldn't believe it. He got to choose his color, and he chose glow, which is supposed to glow in the dark. We are going to treat it like the stroller, so he will still walk everywhere except for long distances like Hershey Park or extra long mall trips. But it will be so much better to have the wheelchair for these trips, b/c even if he isn't walking, he will still be able to get around on his own.
So this is definitely a time of forward motion. Hopefully, we will keep on moving!

Happy Birthday Oliver!

 I have been deeply blessed with two wonderful children, 

one of whom turns four today. It seems unbelievable, but my little Oliver
is now a big four year old!


How has he grown and changed? In countless ways. I can still remember so vividly the fear and excitement we had the night before his birth, and the immense relief I had when I was finally able to see him for the first time.

The joy of unexpectedly being able to bring him home after 10 days in the NICU.

His sweet and intimate infant days. All of his therapy and growing through Early Intervention.

The first time he crawled (backwards) and the first time he crawled (forward) -- Both of them events we weren't sure we would ever see. His first steps on the parallel bars that he used for balance, his first steps in his walker.

His first (delayed) words from Goodnight Moon. And all of the other amazing milestones inbetween.

Today, I have a full-out little boy. He talks nonstop, loves the dirt, and loves his superheros. He loves to play with his sister, but can also have a fun time alone playing with his "guys." He is going into his second year of Pre-K, is starting to be able to count, and has friends and playdates. He can tell you his name starts with O. He can walk, but often refuses to. He is strong, but he is still cute and snuggly.

This guy is the whole package.

Happy Birthday, Little O. I love you always! I believe in you and know that you will do great things. May the Lord bless you and keep you. May He give you a wonderful life full of happiness and love!

Walker or Wheelchair

Due to Oli's impending 4th birthday, and increasing size, a debate has been brewing in my head. When he was little, his SB differences didn't really stand out. Can't walk? Neither can other babies. Crawl a lot? So do other toddlers. Not potty trained? Neither is anyone else your age.

Now we are past all that. We are hitting a point where his differences do stand out. And differences are okay, but I am realizing that maybe we have been to complacent, and Oli isn't really equipped to enter the pre-school years and beyond.

Oli has always been a reluctant walker. He hates his HKAFOs, and as a result, doesn't like to walk. I do agree with him that the HKAFOs are clunky and unrealistic; it is hard for him to play, b/c he is locked into standing position. They are too hard to lock/unlock himself. as a result, we let him crawl around the house. I recently realized that while he walks the hallways at school, they have been letting him crawl in the classroom.

The last round of serial casting made it worse -- b/c he was out of his braces for so long, getting him back into them and walking has been a struggle. And, they may want to cast again in the near future. We have an appoitnment set up for next week to discuss this with ortho, but Tim and I basically agree that we don't want any more casting. It is disruptive to him, expensive, makes Tim miss work. We would put up with that, but it also DOESN'T WORK!

Now that he is 4, the crawling isn't really okay to me. And he is getting to heavy for me to carry. So, at what point do we find a more permanent solution? Will he be crawling around the house at 5, 6, 7, 10, 15? I can't imagine he would be. When we went to a SB walk when he was a baby, we met a teenager whose primary means of getting around the house was crawling. I was appalled. But now we are on that path. So what do we do?

I am starting to think about a wheelchair, but am really hesitant b/c:

-- I know he can walk, but he just resists (strongly) when I try to get him to walk. he walks ok for his pt, and around the school.

-- I'm afraid if we put him in a wheelchair, he will never walk again.our clinic has indicated that walking is a skill that should be developed between 2 and 5, and if we miss that window, it will be very hard to pick up later. and if we start using a chair, the ease it provides will make both us and him reluctant to engage in any walking. 

I guess the crux of my problem is that we want him to walk to achieve maximum independence and fitness, but he is hardly ever doing it. So he is less independent than if we had a wheelchair. however, i don't want to "give up" and get a wheelchair, b/c i would feel like we are failing him since he can, technically, walk. 


I don't want him to look back as an adult and say "Mom, you were the parent. Why didn't you just make me walk?" Granted, he screams and cries and just stands there when I put on his big braces. He passed up a trip to the library the other day b/c I told him he had to walk if he wanted to come.


Tim and I have talked about it, and we are going to try to just get him in the braces 1-2 hours a day, and see if we can increase it from there. But we have said this before, to no avail. I can sense Tim's hesitancy, b/c everything takes longer and is much harder with the braces. They are not realistic for the house, or even for many trips out of the house. But it all circles back to the question of: What else can we do? He cannot crawl/be carried everywhere.

We were at PP beach a few weeks ago, and saw a little girl zooming down the boardwalk in her wheelchair. It haunts me b/c I want Oli to have that level of independence, but I want him to do it walking. Why do they seem to be mutually exclusive? 

Update in Haiku

Lots of poop today.

We're back to the drawing board.

Dumb cone enema.

Another Experiment Ended and Update on an Ongoing Experiment

Back in January, I decided I couldn't use my iPhone anymore. My fingers could not handle the touch screen; I was simply too old school to go without a keyboard. So I went back to the Blackberry. This time it was a Blackberry Torch, with a keyboard and touchscreen. However, I soon realized that I couldn't ditch my iPhone. I still carried it around (without service -- only using wifi) as an iPod for my iTunes library, and all the cool apps. I needed it everytime I ran to track my distance and listen to my podcasts (blackberry podcasts don't compare). Then Tim lost his iPhone in June, so I let him use my old one until it was time for his phone renewal. At that point, I realized how much I still used my iPhone, and how silly it was to carry around a Blackberry for phone and e-mail, and an iPhone for everything else. So I bugged Tim relentlessly, and as soon as his phone was eligible for an upgrade, he got a new 3Gs. Wish we could have gotten the iPhone 4, but it wasn't in the cards for this upgrade.

He realized that my old iPhone had more memory, so we switched back (I don't have nearly as much music on mine), so I essentially got a new iPhone this week! Yes, it has less space than my old one, but I didn't use the space anyway. This one is shiny and new, and despite my best efforts, I love shiny and new things!!!

So, in sum, I <3 my iPhone. While my Blackberry switch might count as another failed technological experiment, my renewed love for my iPhone makes it a success.

PLUS...

Very little poop in the diaper yesterday.  I was expecting some, b/c we didn't get much with the enema Sunday night. But using a few tweaks from this video, I added soap and warmer water to the the enema, and insisted that Oli let me massage his belly a little (he does not like it!). I was rewarded with what seemed like a successful trip to the potty (if you know what I mean), and no poop in the diaper this morning. We'll see what we get today. I have them tracking it at school, too. Lucky them. Fingers crossed for another successful day.

Some Success with the Cone Enema

I hope that I am not speaking too soon, but we might finally be having some success with Oli's cone enema.

As I may or may not have mentioned in the past, bowel and bladder issues are common to people with spina bifida, no matter what level their lesion was. Oli is an L4/L5, which means that all sensation below the 4/5 lumbar is damaged from when his spine developed outside of his body in utero. Essentially, the nerves that control his bladder and bowel just dont' work. This can manifest differently in different people; lots of people with spina bifida cannot empty their bladder on their own, so they have to catheterize every few hours. Thank God we escaped that; we had to do if for a few day in the NICU when he was born, until his bladder "kicked in" and he started going on his own. And by we, I mean the nurses. They were training me, and it seemed highly unlikely that I was going to be able to effectively stick a tube in such a sensitive area 4-5 times a day -- I didn't have the stomach for it. He must have wisely sensed what was coming, and willed his bladder to kick in.

So, for the last few years, he has been in diapers (sometimes clothe, and sometimes regular). We give him a capful of laxative in the morning, and then a cone enema at night before bed. We have been working the cone enema on and off for about a year, and it is pretty much the bane of my existence. At first, it was a big, messy, pain in the butt. Literally. But the worst part is, it just hasn't worked. It is supposed to completely clean him out until the next night, so that he has one big bowel movement on the  potty after the enema, and then not again until we do the enema the next night. However, no matter what I try, he still has poopy diapers the next day.

I have redoubled my efforts this summer, being more consistent than ever, and leaving him on the potty for longer than before. We have streamlined the process, so that the enema part takes only a few minutes, and we read our books for the next half hour or so. It hasn't made a big difference, until this week. He had a couple of days of really loose bowels, during which I kept doing the enema, and then on maybe the third day, he didn't go at all except in the potty. The same for the fourth. On the fifth day, he had just a little poop in his diaper. We'll see what we get today.

I am hoping and praying that this the the breakthrough we have been waiting for. Once we get his bowels under control, I can put him in cloth training pants. After that, in a year or so, we can start catheterizing for social continence. And by we, I mean him. We want to wait until he can do it himself, so he can just go to the bathroom every few hours, cath, and be done. (Notice how I have neatly removed myself from the equation :)

But the bowels are the key. There is no point in controlling his urine if he is pooping without control. So I am really praying that our persistence has paid off and that we are getting things under control.


To be continued...

The End of an Experiment

I am sad to say that our days of no cable are over.

A while ago, Tim and I realized that we no longer needed cable television. We could access virtually every show we wanted either through Hulu, Netflix on demand, or via a network website. I especially hated the way that parts of our "special bundle package" would expire without my realizing, and our bill would go up $30 or so every couple of months. Of course, I could catch the increase and call afterwards, but we kept getting whammied with these increases every couple of months.Dropping cable seemed like a great way to save some money.

However, once we started to research the options, we realized that it was nearly impossible to drop cable and save money. Because of the way all major internet service providers bundle their packages, it was almost the same amount of money to have cable with internet and phone, or internet and phone alone.

We dropped our cable, and kept our internet and phone through Verizon. Let me say that we never use our home phone, but need it hooked up for our house alarm. Even dropping the phone and just keeping internet would only save us another $20 or $30/month. To my pleasant surprise, the first bill we received was $30 less than we were quoted, or only $60, due to a customer loyalty discount. Score! I was elated. Our experiment was a financial success.

Meanwhile, it was a success in terms of lifestyle, as well. Although I missed being able to watch TV in our bedroom while folding laundry, we didn't miss having cable otherwise, AT ALL. We just don't need it. We don't watch any TV in real time; we DVR all of our shows, anyway. Now that football season is coming up, we would have had some difficulty without live TV, but we would have made due.

However, I received our second bill today, and it was $113. I just don't understand. Verizon makes their bills so difficult to understand that I can't figure out why it was more, but since it is closer to what I was quoted, I know that it was "right." So I made Tim get on the phone today (since I don't have anywhere near the patience to do it), and he confirmed what we already knew -- adding cable to our services as part of a "bundle" would bring us in at exactly the same price. So why not get our money's worth and get live TV, too. Of course, this is a "special offer" that will go up in 12 months. That is exactly what I was trying to avoid.

I feel defeated, like "the man" won. We were totally fine without the cable, but why not get the most for our money? It makes me mad to think about it. However, I am glad to know that we can live without cable, and that our side of our experiment was a success.

EDEN 5K and Training for the Hershey Half Marathon

So, I might be turning into an athlete.

At the urging of my sister Beth, I have been running more and participating in 5Ks since the Turkey Trot last Thanksgiving. I now run 3-4 days of week, usually no less than 3 miles at a time. I also broke down and joined a gym other than the community rec center. Unfortunately, the rec center didn't really offer convenient hours/class times. So, after much debate and looking around, I joined the WOW gym. Although Tim had a bad experience there before we met, my sister Krys goes there, and one of our friends from Karate works there. What I liked best was a)the price, and b) the fact that I can work out at every location. Since I live almost directly between Robbinsville and East Brunswick, I have a pretty wide schedule of classes to choose from. So I have been doing a yoga/pilates mix and weight training class at the gym 2-3 times a week, plus running at home.

Then, Beth decided to up our game by getting us involved in a half marathon. Although I wasn't sure at first, she found a training plan (if you follow the link, note that it cautions you should get medical clearance if you are over 35. ouch.) that was doable, and a half marathon in a theme park. I think they even give out chocolate at the end. It doesn't get any better than that. We can't really back out now, since Mac is super excited to go to Hershey Park.

Game on.

We are in week 2 of training now. The farthest I have ever run is 4.5 miles, so I will soon be breaking new ground in distance. I am nervous about going up a mile every week, but Beth and I will be doing those runs together, so it should be okay. We are very good about rewarding ourselves with food, coffee, etc., whenever we feel overtaxed.

To kick off our training, we ran in the EDEN 5K this weekend at the Princeton Forrestal Village. It was HOT and HUMID, but we made it through in a respectable time of 30:30. However, we took our time as a challenge to do better next time, and are running two more 5Ks in the next few months.

This is all shocking to me, because until a year or so ago, the words exercise and Lisa didn't consistently go together. But now that I have started, I really want to make it through the half marathon and beyond. Not only is it good for me, but I think that it sets a great example for the kids, too. And as long as we are running, it is extra time that Beth and I get to spend together. All things considered, it is a winning situation.

Oli's COOL New Shoes

This weekend was very exciting and fun for many reasons, not the least of which was that Oli got new shoes. And not just any new shoes, but cool new shoes. Because of his braces, especially his big ones, Oli has been forced to get whatever shoes fit. We have done our best to keep him outfitted in cool shoes, including two pairs of Tony Hawk sneakers and a pair of Adidas. However, his footwear selection has been limited to extra wide sneakers.

This weekend at Journey's Kids, we hit the jackpot! Not only did we find Superhero Squad sneakers that fit, but we also found Superhero Squad Crocs that fit. We can use the Crocs for the water park or for variety, and the sneakers for everyday use. The sneakers light up, and Oli has been kicking everything to make them light. He has even been more willing to go in his walker, which, coincidentally, lost an important screw yesterday. It figures that as soon as he was willing to walk in it, he couldn't.

Luckily, we found a temporary replacement screw today, so Oli is back in business. Here are some pictures of Oli with his crocs and sneakers.

Mackensie's First Communion

When you are raised Catholic, receiving your first holy communion is both a big deal and a big event. You have to go to CCD for months, receive first penance, practice, get dressed in a white gown, and receive communion for the first time with the rest of your CCD class. That is how I did it. However, about 7 years ago, when I was pregnant with Mackensie, I was looking for a new church to go to. The one that clicked with me was Aldersgate Methodist Church, so we started going there. It didn't really matter to me that it wasn't Catholic. I figured as long as it was Christian, the point was the same. All Christian churches pray to the same God, and praising Jesus. That is good enough for me.

However, there are some differences. Methodist church is definitely more low key than Catholic church. Communion is only once a month, there is no confession, and anyone can take Communion as long as they believe. Sunday school takes place during church (during the school year, anyway), and there is no first communion ceremony. I've been thinking for a while that Mac is probably ready to receive communion. We pray every night and read the Bible almost every night. She recognizes the stories in Sunday school, and loves to go to church. It seems like a big step, but she is 6, which is the same age she would receive communion in Catholic church.

Today was the first communion Sunday since Sunday school ended a few weeks ago. Halfway through the service, when I realized this, I started to prep Mac for communion. "Remember the story of the last supper, when Jesus breaks bread with his disciples?" I asked.

"No."

As quietly as I could, I explained the story, and how communion was symbolic of  Jesus' sacrifice for us. Mac zeroed in on the fact that it was bread and juice, and therefore a chance to eat during service. She started making munching sounds and asking when we could get the bread. Reading into the way she was acting, I think that she ultimately understood, but was excited by the whole prospect.

When the time came, we went up , and Mac did a great job. She said "thank you" instead of "amen," but overall, it was a successful first communion. Although it came without the ceremony that usually accompanies a first communion, it was a big deal to me. And I hope that in her heart, it was a big deal to her, too.

Mac at church during the Easter play.

I Love the Summer!

We are a summer family, for sure.

The first part of the summer was a bit hectic with traveling and the kids still being in school. But in the last week, things have calmed down a bit, and we have been able to enjoy ourselves summer-style!

Mac started Rec Camp, and so far, she loves it. While she is out of the house for half of the day, we still have the second half for fun stuff. While Oli starts summer school (aka camp) next week, he has had time to relax and join me in some activities this week.

Nothing says the summer like the shore. Last Friday, we joined my aunt, uncle, grandma, and one of my cousins at their beach house in point pleasant. We walked the boards and rode the rides, but got caught in a giant rainstorm. The great part about them having a beach house (ok, there are lots of great parts) is that we just moved the party inside. We wound up staying way past the kids bedtime, but it was a lot of fun.

We had two days worth of picnics over the weekend. One was a birthday celebration for my stepmom, Pat, and the other was a celebration for MumMum. No pictures from those, but lots of fun, sun, and food.

This week, while Mac was at camp, Oli and I had two outings. The first was our weekly outing to pick up the veggies from our CSA at Honeybrook Organic Farm. We go every week after physical therapy. As with most things I do, it is sort of counterproductive and not so well thought out, but I am enjoying it anyway. We split a share with Beth, and drive an extra 25 minutes each way after PT to pick up a relatively small portion of organic veggies. Pros: we are supporting organic agriculture, we are supporting local agriculture, the veggies are super fresh and seasonal, and buying them this way is cheaper than the supermarket. Cons: I am wasting a lot of gas driving to and from (even in the prius) and what i am using/emitting probably counteracts the fact that I am saving shipping fossil fuels by going local. It is also a huge time suck, and I have no idea what to do with some of the vegetables (am trying a beet and mint slaw to use up the beets I have. Yeah -- we'll see -- I'm not holding my breath on that one).

But this week was so cool b/c we did pick your own berries and herbs. They had just opened the raspberry patches, and we actually got to go pick the raspberries off of the bushes. So cool. Even though Oli was less than enthused, I am hoping that the whole process will sink into his brain and that he will make the connection between farm and food, as opposed to factory and food. Not so overtly, of course, but I am hoping that the connection will become innate to both kids as they grow older.

Oli in the raspberry field. He is holding our "half pint" container, as well as a cabbage that he fell in love with. I think he thought it was a ball, since he asked for his ball back later.

A long view of the fields.

How we pick our veggies. They are all in bins, and we are on the honor code to take only what is alotted in our share (see sign above the veggies).

Finally, we spent some fun time at the spray park! It was so reminiscent of what we used to do before the kids were in school. Oli had a great time running around and getting wet. We even ran into Ms. Ruth, his old PT. It was a great trip, and I loved seeing him on the go.

He's so cool he doesn't even feel the sun!

I almost forgot -- we finally made it back to the library. Between my pregnancy and Oli in casts (both of which made it hard for me to carry/transport him on my own) we fell way out of our usual library habit over the winter/spring. But we returned this week, and signed up for the summer reading program. After 5 hours of reading, each kid will receive a ticket for a free ice cream at Mendoker's ice cream shop.

And aside from the shore, nothing is more "summer" than ice-cream. I can taste it already!

Last Day of School!

Today was the last day of school for the 2010-2011 school year. I can't believe the kids have finished their first year of school. In terms of school year accomplishments:  Mac has learned how to read. At night now, Mac actually reads Oli his book, and then I read hers to her. It is amazing to see, and I can't believe that she learned it in kindergarten. And Oli has really learned how to interact with other kids. I was reading his IEP (Individualized Education Protocol) today, which is based on a review completed last summer. One of the areas he was deficient in was socializing with peers. Well, no more! He has so many friends now, and his friend James even saves him a seat in class. I would say that the school year has been a success for both of them.

However, I have to say that in comparing their first day of school pictures to their last day of school pictures, they look a lot more tired now. Maybe because I took the picture after school instead of before. I'm glad to know they are working hard! See below to compare:

To celebrate, I let the kids choose where to go to lunch. So, of course, we ended up at Rainforest Cafe. And then they were each allowed to pick whatever treat they wanted for $10. So, of course, Oli picked a spiderman today. And while Mac debated for a while, she went with 2 princess lip glosses.  Whenever Mac isn't allowed to get something, she knows exactly what she wants. But when she is given free choice, she often gets stressed out and either can't decide or shuts down and tantrums. Luckily, today went pretty well and the lip glosses were chosen with only one trip to and from the disney store. I even got to use up my birthday gift card from sephora, and got free happy birthday lotion (that sounds dirty, but it's not. they literally gave me a bottle of lotion that says happy birthday on it.) Here is a picture from the rainforest cafe. Although their food is overpriced and relatively unhealthy, they do have a really good veggie burger. And Mac loves their little hot dogs. So, between the food, the gifts, and of course, the company, we all enjoyed our afternoon greatly.

Living it Up in...Kentucky?

I am completely geeking it out this week at a social network analysis workshop at the University of Kentucky. It is a workshop that should help me design and run better studies using social network analysis. PSU is paying for part it, but the rest of the trip is economy style. As a result, I am staying in an old-school dorm for $20/night and walking everywhere. But so far, I really like it.

I had some scary preconceived notions about KY, but so far, none of them has been correct. The ride from the airport to campus was beautiful, as is the campus. The on-campus population is diverse, and people have been nice, but not creepy-nice. The weather is hot, but no worse than a hot & humid NJ day.

One of the best parts about being here is the gym. UK has a beautiful gym. The gym alone makes me want to get a job at a bigger university with a better gym. I have already gone to the gym 3 times - last night to run, this morning for elliptical and abs, and then after the workshop for a "core" class. There is even a rock-climbing wall, but I know my limits in coordination.

I am getting a lot of work (and working out) done, but I really miss my family. Mac always gives me mementos to bring with me. This time it was earrings and her Rapunzel doll. Whenever she gives me a stuffy, I take pictures and send them to her. Here is Rapunzel's trip to KY yesterday:

Getting off the plane at La Guardia (I had to fly out of Philly, stop in La Guardia, and then continue to Kentucky. Ridiculous.)

Waiting between flights. Rapunzel is out of control...it was barely noon!

Going from the airport to campus.

Going to bed. Not my best look, but I wanted to show the full day!

I Must Be a Lightening Rod

I went for my follow up appointment to the D&C yesterday. It turns out that what I had was a partial molar pregnancy. This means that there was some, but not complete, fetal tissue present in my little fetus. What was fetal tissue was overtaken by abnormal cells. Which means that it never really had a chance of surviving. It had a heartbeat, and certainly looked like a baby on the ultrasound, but it was just not "viable." A partial molar pregnancy sometimes, but not always, happens when the sperm deposits an extra set of chromosomes. Unfortunately, this becomes a placental abnormality that can, in rare occasions, turn into cancer. So I have to be monitored for at least 6 months, go for a chest x-ray to make sure it hasn't metastasized, and we can't even think about trying again for 6 months to a year. My doctor did say that she has never seen a molar pregnancy turn into cancer in 15 years, and from what I have read it is extremely rare. But all partial molar pregnancies need to be treated this way just in case. Not what I wanted to hear when I went in yesterday.

A partial molar pregnancy is considered very rare. The odds are 1 in a 1,000.

Spina bifida, although the most common permanently disabling birth defect, is considered rare. The odds are 1 in a 1,000.

So what are the odds that I would experience both? I actually can't do the math. My gut says 2 in 2,000, which then reduces to 1 in 1,000, so that can't be right. But, I would argue that it seems very unlikely that both would happen to the same person.

You can find a partial molar pregnancy listed in "What to Expect When Your Expecting" under the "Managing a Complicated Pregnancy," "Uncommon Pregnancy Complications" section. This section is prefaced with "The following complications of pregnancy are, for the most part, rare. The average pregnant woman is extremely unlikely to encounter any of them. So, again (and this deserves repeating), read this section only if you need to, and even then, read just what applies to you." And then the next two pages apply to me.

So I know this sounds a bit self-indulgent and whiny. Although I could not think of the positives yesterday, some wine, conversation with a good friend, and sleep have given me some perspective.

1. I know that at least there was nothing I could have done to save the baby. It was nothing I did. In fact, my body sustained the pregnancy with no sign of trouble for two weeks after it stopped developing. Even on a subconscious level, my body wanted and cared for this baby.

2. It is a completely random occurrence that shouldn't happen again. There is nothing genetically abnormal about Tim and I that caused this or should affect future pregnancies.

3. Aside from the fact that we were super excited to have another baby, my family basically rocks the way it is. Mac and Oli are great foils to each other, and we have really hit a groove. Would we have cherished this baby? Yes. Are we suffering over its loss? Yes. Are we still in a really good place together. Yes.

I think there is more, but I have forgotten. Suffice it to say that I feel a bit more "bruised" than I did before I went in for my appointment yesterday. Although I did not get complete closure, b/c the miscarriage process is now being dragged out for at least 6 more months of bloodwork and testing, I do feel a little more ready to move on. I'm not sure why or what changed, maybe just having some answers, even if they just lead to more questions.

Living High and Being Frugal, All in One Day

For the last year or so, Tim and I have tottered between being "financially challenged," and "doing okay." I have even taken on a part-time filing job with my mom to cushion the months that might be tougher. That said, we still eat out 3-4 times a week, managed a trip to Las Vegas (using frequent flier miles, of course) in March, and treat the kids pretty regularly. On the flip side, I have stopped getting my nails done, and work really hard to keep our grocery budget in check (without skimping on organic) using coupons and a stingy snack buying policy.

Some potentially expensive possibilities on the horizon: hiring someone to clean our house on a regular basis, joining a gym, and putting Mac in summer camp. Here is my reasoning for each:

No matter how hard we try, our house is a mess. Sometimes, it is even dirty. Even when we clean, it doesn't last very long. I am a relatively ineffective band-aid cleaner; that is, I can wander around the house straightening and wiping counters, but the house never looks any cleaner. Even though cleaning seems like it should be a universal skill, I am somehow bad at it. Tim is great at cleaning, but things have to get really bad before he uses this skill. The combined effect is not pretty. And considering my ongoing fear of child protective services paying us a visit based on something outlandish the kids might say at school, I feel like we need to step it up in the cleaning department. Plus, a clean house makes me feel so much calmer.

Of late, I have wanted to join a gym so that I can continue to run/work out despite the really crappy weather we have been having. But since my workout time is basically limited to the hour between when I can drag myself out of bed if I have to, and when the kids wake up and have to get ready for school, I am limited in how far I can drive. And how much I am willing to spend. Add to this that Tim feels that gyms are a waste of money, and I have been floundering. I really want to join the Y, b/c I feel like it is the civic minded thing to do, but it is more expensive than a "real" gym, and too far away to be of any use. I was feeling stuck for a solution, and had all but resolved to stay flabby for the summer.

Oli has been recommended for summer school, so that he can continue to receive PT three times a week, and I guess also to support his academic progress. There are two problems with this; he will be mad that he has to go and Mac doesn't, and Mac will be mad that Oli gets to go and she doesn't. No win situation. One of the parents at Mac's dance school recently recommended camp at the Y. I looked it up and it was not ideal (a combination of a weird age grouping and being sort of expensive). However, I was determined to balance out the summer experience for both kids.

All of these issues got resolved yesterday. The woman who cleans my mom's house came out to visit us and gave us a quote. She is going to come twice a month starting next week. Even Tim is on board. We are going to try it out for a month or two to see if it works in our budget. I don't like the idea of "outsourcing" something that is so fundamentally part of being a homeowner, but no amount of time juggling or half-hearted trying has resulted in a clean house. We might be spending money we don't have, but I am hoping the payoff is worth it.

I would like to think I am saving money with the solution to the other two problems, which is our local rec-center. I was able to find a 5-day a week, half-day, 5-week camp for Mac that overlaps almost perfectly with Oli's summer school. It is only 5 minutes away, and will take place in a local elementary school, just like Oli's summer school. Or should I say, Oli's summer "camp," which is what we are now calling it. This cost me $50.

For $5 extra, I was able to join the rec center, which has full gym equipment capability. They also have Yoga and other classes that I can join for a small fee. YAY! A close gym that is $5 for the year cannot be beat. And I am becoming an active member of our community in doing so. Community building )and frugal in one step. A dream come true.

I guess just like we try to live the work-family balance, we also have to live the need-want balance. I think that this week, I came out on top.

That sounds smug. I realize that it is only Friday afternoon, and I still have plenty of time to mess this up. Starting with the pedicures Mac and I are getting this afternoon. (Yes, I know what I said about saving money by not getting my nails done, but it has been over 3 months since I've gone, and Mac has been bugging me to go for weeks. It's her fault. Really.)

Miscarriages are Cruel

I was going to make my triumphant return to blogging with the announcement that I was pregnant, but unfortunately, that is not the case anymore. Last Tuesday, at my 11 week ultrasound, I found out that the baby had stopped growing around 9 weeks. I was devastated. A missed miscarriage was always my biggest pregnancy fear. Irrationally, I was more afraid of that than of just losing the baby in an obvious miscarriage. So for weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I watched myself for signs of lost symptoms (which I agonized over more than once). However, finally, going into 11 weeks, I felt sore, nauseous, and full of indigestion. In other words, I felt very pregnant. Not to mention the tremendous belly I was growing.

So imagine my shock and horror when there was no heartbeat. I asked if anything was wrong, already sensing there was but hoping for the best, but the ultrasound tech confirmed my fears. Nothing. The baby had stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. I could not believe it, and as I waited for the doctor to come in, I kept wondering if it was a dream. I finally decided it wasn't, b/c I couldn't add the level of detail that I was experiencing to a dream. Unfortunately, Tim was home with Oli. For our earlier two ultrasounds, I had made him come with me. Since receiving news of Oli's diagnosis alone a few years ago, I haven't had many (any?) ultrasounds alone. Once again, I had to face a devastating diagnosis alone.

We had already told the kids about the baby after seeing the heartbeat at 7 weeks, and Mac was so excited. I was dreading telling them, when I could barely keep it together myself. Tim took the lead and told them, simply, that the baby had stopped growing, so we couldn't have it. Mac seems to be processing it in her own way, and even Oli seems to understand a little.

In addition to the emotional pain, miscarriages come with physical indignities that make the process so much worse. I opted for a D&C, since my body hadn't begun to recognize the miscarriage after two weeks. Having to go in to the hospital and have surgery felt awful. Knowing that they were physically taking the baby away and I would have nothing to show for it was so painful. Still feeling and looking pregnant b/c my body hadn't recognized the miscarriage yet kept me in some sort of denial limbo where I knew everything wasn't okay, but there was the smallest part of me that thought it might be. Oli's pediatrician actually asked me if I was pregnant the day before the D&C, b/c I was "too skinny to have a belly." Um, thanks?

Having to bleed out what was left of the pregnancy over the next few days sucked. Still having a pregnant belly almost a week later sucks. Knowing it won't go away for a month sucks. Losing the boobs I was hoping I could keep as a consolation prize sucks. Anticipating the holidays knowing that the baby would have been here a week after Thanksgiving sucks. Not being able to keep it together when I am alone for more than a few minutes sucks. Being afraid that I may have lost the chance to have my last child sucks. Not being able to hold or meet my little one more than sucks.

I have good friends who have been through this and they told me it will get better. I know it will. I made it longer today, than any other day, without crying. Tim has been amazing, although I am constantly in fear of being too sad and alienating him.

I am sad beyond words (although clearly I found some here). I want to be better. I want my baby.

 Tim and me on Mother's Day, two days before I found out about the miscarriage. Our only "picture" of the baby.