I Must Be a Lightening Rod

I went for my follow up appointment to the D&C yesterday. It turns out that what I had was a partial molar pregnancy. This means that there was some, but not complete, fetal tissue present in my little fetus. What was fetal tissue was overtaken by abnormal cells. Which means that it never really had a chance of surviving. It had a heartbeat, and certainly looked like a baby on the ultrasound, but it was just not "viable." A partial molar pregnancy sometimes, but not always, happens when the sperm deposits an extra set of chromosomes. Unfortunately, this becomes a placental abnormality that can, in rare occasions, turn into cancer. So I have to be monitored for at least 6 months, go for a chest x-ray to make sure it hasn't metastasized, and we can't even think about trying again for 6 months to a year. My doctor did say that she has never seen a molar pregnancy turn into cancer in 15 years, and from what I have read it is extremely rare. But all partial molar pregnancies need to be treated this way just in case. Not what I wanted to hear when I went in yesterday.

A partial molar pregnancy is considered very rare. The odds are 1 in a 1,000.

Spina bifida, although the most common permanently disabling birth defect, is considered rare. The odds are 1 in a 1,000.

So what are the odds that I would experience both? I actually can't do the math. My gut says 2 in 2,000, which then reduces to 1 in 1,000, so that can't be right. But, I would argue that it seems very unlikely that both would happen to the same person.

You can find a partial molar pregnancy listed in "What to Expect When Your Expecting" under the "Managing a Complicated Pregnancy," "Uncommon Pregnancy Complications" section. This section is prefaced with "The following complications of pregnancy are, for the most part, rare. The average pregnant woman is extremely unlikely to encounter any of them. So, again (and this deserves repeating), read this section only if you need to, and even then, read just what applies to you." And then the next two pages apply to me.

So I know this sounds a bit self-indulgent and whiny. Although I could not think of the positives yesterday, some wine, conversation with a good friend, and sleep have given me some perspective.

1. I know that at least there was nothing I could have done to save the baby. It was nothing I did. In fact, my body sustained the pregnancy with no sign of trouble for two weeks after it stopped developing. Even on a subconscious level, my body wanted and cared for this baby.

2. It is a completely random occurrence that shouldn't happen again. There is nothing genetically abnormal about Tim and I that caused this or should affect future pregnancies.

3. Aside from the fact that we were super excited to have another baby, my family basically rocks the way it is. Mac and Oli are great foils to each other, and we have really hit a groove. Would we have cherished this baby? Yes. Are we suffering over its loss? Yes. Are we still in a really good place together. Yes.

I think there is more, but I have forgotten. Suffice it to say that I feel a bit more "bruised" than I did before I went in for my appointment yesterday. Although I did not get complete closure, b/c the miscarriage process is now being dragged out for at least 6 more months of bloodwork and testing, I do feel a little more ready to move on. I'm not sure why or what changed, maybe just having some answers, even if they just lead to more questions.

Living High and Being Frugal, All in One Day

For the last year or so, Tim and I have tottered between being "financially challenged," and "doing okay." I have even taken on a part-time filing job with my mom to cushion the months that might be tougher. That said, we still eat out 3-4 times a week, managed a trip to Las Vegas (using frequent flier miles, of course) in March, and treat the kids pretty regularly. On the flip side, I have stopped getting my nails done, and work really hard to keep our grocery budget in check (without skimping on organic) using coupons and a stingy snack buying policy.

Some potentially expensive possibilities on the horizon: hiring someone to clean our house on a regular basis, joining a gym, and putting Mac in summer camp. Here is my reasoning for each:

No matter how hard we try, our house is a mess. Sometimes, it is even dirty. Even when we clean, it doesn't last very long. I am a relatively ineffective band-aid cleaner; that is, I can wander around the house straightening and wiping counters, but the house never looks any cleaner. Even though cleaning seems like it should be a universal skill, I am somehow bad at it. Tim is great at cleaning, but things have to get really bad before he uses this skill. The combined effect is not pretty. And considering my ongoing fear of child protective services paying us a visit based on something outlandish the kids might say at school, I feel like we need to step it up in the cleaning department. Plus, a clean house makes me feel so much calmer.

Of late, I have wanted to join a gym so that I can continue to run/work out despite the really crappy weather we have been having. But since my workout time is basically limited to the hour between when I can drag myself out of bed if I have to, and when the kids wake up and have to get ready for school, I am limited in how far I can drive. And how much I am willing to spend. Add to this that Tim feels that gyms are a waste of money, and I have been floundering. I really want to join the Y, b/c I feel like it is the civic minded thing to do, but it is more expensive than a "real" gym, and too far away to be of any use. I was feeling stuck for a solution, and had all but resolved to stay flabby for the summer.

Oli has been recommended for summer school, so that he can continue to receive PT three times a week, and I guess also to support his academic progress. There are two problems with this; he will be mad that he has to go and Mac doesn't, and Mac will be mad that Oli gets to go and she doesn't. No win situation. One of the parents at Mac's dance school recently recommended camp at the Y. I looked it up and it was not ideal (a combination of a weird age grouping and being sort of expensive). However, I was determined to balance out the summer experience for both kids.

All of these issues got resolved yesterday. The woman who cleans my mom's house came out to visit us and gave us a quote. She is going to come twice a month starting next week. Even Tim is on board. We are going to try it out for a month or two to see if it works in our budget. I don't like the idea of "outsourcing" something that is so fundamentally part of being a homeowner, but no amount of time juggling or half-hearted trying has resulted in a clean house. We might be spending money we don't have, but I am hoping the payoff is worth it.

I would like to think I am saving money with the solution to the other two problems, which is our local rec-center. I was able to find a 5-day a week, half-day, 5-week camp for Mac that overlaps almost perfectly with Oli's summer school. It is only 5 minutes away, and will take place in a local elementary school, just like Oli's summer school. Or should I say, Oli's summer "camp," which is what we are now calling it. This cost me $50.

For $5 extra, I was able to join the rec center, which has full gym equipment capability. They also have Yoga and other classes that I can join for a small fee. YAY! A close gym that is $5 for the year cannot be beat. And I am becoming an active member of our community in doing so. Community building )and frugal in one step. A dream come true.

I guess just like we try to live the work-family balance, we also have to live the need-want balance. I think that this week, I came out on top.

That sounds smug. I realize that it is only Friday afternoon, and I still have plenty of time to mess this up. Starting with the pedicures Mac and I are getting this afternoon. (Yes, I know what I said about saving money by not getting my nails done, but it has been over 3 months since I've gone, and Mac has been bugging me to go for weeks. It's her fault. Really.)

Miscarriages are Cruel

I was going to make my triumphant return to blogging with the announcement that I was pregnant, but unfortunately, that is not the case anymore. Last Tuesday, at my 11 week ultrasound, I found out that the baby had stopped growing around 9 weeks. I was devastated. A missed miscarriage was always my biggest pregnancy fear. Irrationally, I was more afraid of that than of just losing the baby in an obvious miscarriage. So for weeks after finding out I was pregnant, I watched myself for signs of lost symptoms (which I agonized over more than once). However, finally, going into 11 weeks, I felt sore, nauseous, and full of indigestion. In other words, I felt very pregnant. Not to mention the tremendous belly I was growing.

So imagine my shock and horror when there was no heartbeat. I asked if anything was wrong, already sensing there was but hoping for the best, but the ultrasound tech confirmed my fears. Nothing. The baby had stopped growing and there was no heartbeat. I could not believe it, and as I waited for the doctor to come in, I kept wondering if it was a dream. I finally decided it wasn't, b/c I couldn't add the level of detail that I was experiencing to a dream. Unfortunately, Tim was home with Oli. For our earlier two ultrasounds, I had made him come with me. Since receiving news of Oli's diagnosis alone a few years ago, I haven't had many (any?) ultrasounds alone. Once again, I had to face a devastating diagnosis alone.

We had already told the kids about the baby after seeing the heartbeat at 7 weeks, and Mac was so excited. I was dreading telling them, when I could barely keep it together myself. Tim took the lead and told them, simply, that the baby had stopped growing, so we couldn't have it. Mac seems to be processing it in her own way, and even Oli seems to understand a little.

In addition to the emotional pain, miscarriages come with physical indignities that make the process so much worse. I opted for a D&C, since my body hadn't begun to recognize the miscarriage after two weeks. Having to go in to the hospital and have surgery felt awful. Knowing that they were physically taking the baby away and I would have nothing to show for it was so painful. Still feeling and looking pregnant b/c my body hadn't recognized the miscarriage yet kept me in some sort of denial limbo where I knew everything wasn't okay, but there was the smallest part of me that thought it might be. Oli's pediatrician actually asked me if I was pregnant the day before the D&C, b/c I was "too skinny to have a belly." Um, thanks?

Having to bleed out what was left of the pregnancy over the next few days sucked. Still having a pregnant belly almost a week later sucks. Knowing it won't go away for a month sucks. Losing the boobs I was hoping I could keep as a consolation prize sucks. Anticipating the holidays knowing that the baby would have been here a week after Thanksgiving sucks. Not being able to keep it together when I am alone for more than a few minutes sucks. Being afraid that I may have lost the chance to have my last child sucks. Not being able to hold or meet my little one more than sucks.

I have good friends who have been through this and they told me it will get better. I know it will. I made it longer today, than any other day, without crying. Tim has been amazing, although I am constantly in fear of being too sad and alienating him.

I am sad beyond words (although clearly I found some here). I want to be better. I want my baby.

 Tim and me on Mother's Day, two days before I found out about the miscarriage. Our only "picture" of the baby.