Sleep Rules

Yet again, my children have declared a sleep strike. Mac now starts crying in the car when I pick her up after work because she does not want to go to bed. This is before we even eat dinner. Why? Who knows, but the primary reason seems to be that she is afraid of the dark. She has two nightlights -- any more, and it would be too bright to sleep. So I now have to drop Oliver in his crib and go lay with her until she falls asleep at night.

Now, we never really transitioned Oliver out of our bed into his own. He always starts out in his crib, and then comes in with us around midnight. No big deal -- I love the snuggles. This goes for both of them -- I figure soon will come the day when they won't even want me around, or want to give me hugs in public. I might as well take the love while I can get it. But anyway, lately Oliver either won't go down at all, or goes to sleep for about an hour, and then wakes up and screams. Since I don't want him to wake up Mac (who often has just fallen asleep) I grab him and bring him out with me. Then, when I go to bed, he comes with me. I know, I know -- a really bad habit.

So in the middle of all of this, Mac has decided that she wants to sleep with us, too. I can't say no, because Oliver does. But the one rule that I have managed to enforce is that each person starts out in his or her own bed. Sometimes that works and Mac sleeps through the night, none the wiser and never joining the rest of us (including Sniper) in our room. And those are the best nights, because, as much as I love Mac, she is very hard to sleep with. Why? Because she kicks, squirms, talks, and has rules. Rules, you ask? Yes, rules. They are as follows:

1. You can't breathe on her face, but...
2. You have to face her. You can't turn away and face the wall, no matter how long you have been laying on your side.
3. You can't breathe on her arm (I just learned this one this morning).
4. You can't have on any covers that she doesn't want on (sometimes she doesn't want the sheet, sometimes she doesn't want the comforter).
5. You can't always sleep on the pillow if she doesn't think there is enough room.
6. You can't curl up your knees because then she can't put her legs down straight.

And let me assure you that these rules are quite often enforced with a loud stage whisper, whiny pout, outright shriek, or crying that resonates through a quiet, sleeping house like a tornado. Tim and I are trying to figure out how to lay the smack down and get this all under control, but we are, quite frankly, too tired. At this point, I'm wondering if I should just start to price king sized beds and call it a day.

The Best

Every night as I tuck the kids into bed and go through the whole bedtime routine (which went horribly wrong last night, by the way) I am struck by two things: the first is how good soft, warm little bodies feel in cotton jammies. Not the soft, fleece jammies (although those are so nice to wear), but the cotton jammies that are thicker than in the summertime, but not too thick. After a kid has had them on for a few minutes, they heat right up and get really soft. So you have soft, warm little bodies in soft, warm little jammies. Really, there is nothing better.

But then after you put the soft, warm little bodies in bed, read them books, get them vitamins, water, pacifiers, and check on them at least five times, they usually (eventually) fall asleep. And then you get the second thing: how good the even, sleepy breathing of kids and babies sounds. When babies are little, and you check on them every five minutes, that sound is so reassuring. And when babies turn into toddlers, and going to bed is an exhausting, tenuous venture, that sound is so relaxing. And I can never help but put my hand on the back or stomach of the soft, warm body, and listen to it breathe as I feel the chest rise and fall. And I thank God that I am a mommy, their mommy, as I do this every single night.

Our Trip to New Hampshire (a.k.a. How Many Times Can we Eat at McDonald's in One Weekend)

This weekend we had a family road trip! Tim has been actively competing this year in hopes of placing in Top 10 and being able to compete for World Champ in tae kwon do. The way it works is that you compete in as many tournaments as possible all year (July-June) in any or all of the following categories: forms, weapons, sparring, extreme forms, and extreme weapons. For each first, second, or third place that you take, you get a certain number of points. The ten people with the most points at the end of the year for each age group and rank compete for world champ at (where else?) World Championships in (where else) Little Rock, AK. Tim is currently ranked number 2 in forms and sparring for men's black belts 30-39 (my little one turns 30 this year :) I have also dusted off my nunchucks and started competing again, too.

This weekend's tournament was in New Hampshire and we decided to make a family trip out of it. We did this in Deleware a few weeks ago, and it worked well. The key is an indoor pool. The kids love it. We all go to the tournament and Tim and I compete first thing in the morning. Then I head back to the hotel with the kids and swim while Tim judges.

We headed up Friday night after I got out of work. Stopped at McDonald's for dinner. A rare treat, and I looove cheeseburger happy meals. We got in late, went to bed, and competed the next morning. I only had one other person in my ring. So I got second in forms and first in sparring. And, by default, first in weapons. Tim took four firsts and a third.

According to plan, I took the kids back to the hotel and got them suited up. We couldn't find the indoor pool (whose existence we had confirmed before booking), so we headed down to the lobby complete with bathing suits and blow up duck. Only to find out there was no pool. Mac handled it extremely well, and we found a Burger King playland instead.Then we stopped at McDonald's fo ice cream. When Tim got back we headed to Boston for dinner, which was really exciting. Then back to our hotel.

We had a delicious McDonald's breakfast Sunday morning, and all was relaxing until we hit the road to go home. 20 minutes into the trip, Mac projectile vomited ALL OVER the back seat. I can't describe how gross it really was. And the worst part was, we had the next 7 (yes 7) hours to smell it on the way home.

Happy Halloween

 

Asked and Answered

It's been a jam packed fall so far. To say that we have hardly a second of downtime is an understatement. Overall, things are good. The kids are well; we've had an ear infection and some spina bifida related issues, but we're pretty much back on track. Work is going well for me -- I really like Penn State, I'm getting into the groove of teaching, and I have three separate routes to school (just in case there is traffic). Tim has been competing in tournaments, and has taken a lot of firsts and seconds -- if he stays on this track, he will be able to compete for world champ again this year. I even competed in a tournament for the first time since before Mac was born, and got two third places and a second place. We also participated in our first annual Spina Bifida Stroll n Roll, which was so rainy that we actually spent the walk in a coffee shop instead of actually walking. At least we showed up -- maybe next year we'll actually participate.

As always, the kids keep me busy, and motherhood is always a learning experience. Some questions that I have gotten the answers to in the last few weeks:

Q: What happens when you cut yourself with safety scissors?
A: Mac was nice enough to figure this one out for me. The short answer is you bleed. A lot. Mac was making a birthday card for gram gram (my grandma), and I was mopping and running a bath for her and Oliver. So I was in the room, but not fully attending to Mac. Let me stop to say that she is usually trustworthy; way above doing silly and dangerous things. Never had a phase of putting things in her mouth (Oliver) or touching things she isn't supposed to. But when I looked over to tell her it was bath time, she had blood dripping down her chin. Scissors still in hand. Very calm. The second I asked her what happened, she started crying and didn't stop all the way through her bath until she was dressed. When I asked her what happened, she said "I wanted to see if it would cut." Well...it does. She has since recanted her story and said that she didn't do it on purpose. Mmmhmm.

Q: When is diarrhea not diarrhea?
A: Gross, but pertinent. Diarrhea is not diarrhea when you are so constipated that only mushy poop can leak out. Poor Oliver had to teach me that lesson. Constipation is a common condition with spina bifida, because the trunk muscles are often not strong enough to push the food through the intestines and colon in a speedy manner, which means that most of the water gets sucked out of the food, creating really hard stool. So Oliver is on a daily laxative. But when he started to have diarrhea, I cut back on the laxitive thinking it was too much. Wrong. One bloody diaper later, I have him at the doctors office, followed by x-rays, to find out that he was completely "backed up." Poor guy -- a week of enimas and a new, stronger laxative later, we finally got back on track. Who knew?

Q: How many times can you use the word "berry" to replace "very?"
A: In the average Strawberry Shortcake book, berry replaces very or fairy 10 times. Not to mention the literal use of the word, as in "berry princess" or "berry patch." Berry, berry annoying.

I'm sure I've learned more. But I'm too tired to remember. However, it hasn't been all work this fall. We've really tried to take advantage of seasonal activities, like pumpkin and apple picking, Octoberfest, and Homecoming. And we have some great plans coming up. Never dull, sometimes fun, always interesting.

See You Later, Summer!

As the last days of summer wind down, I can't help but think that it flew by this year! Never has a summer gone so quickly. And I guess that's because we did really good stuff! We had play dates, went to Disney World, went to the park, went to the shore, ate ice cream, went swimming, turned 33 (ugh) and turned 1. That doesn't even count working! No wonder the time went so fast. A brief retrospective...

Naked Baby!

Well, sort of. Naked legs, anyway. A few weeks ago, we started serial-casting Oliver again (putting casts on his legs for a week, taking him back, changing the casts) because his feet had started migrating back to the club foot position. For two weeks, it worked great. Then, on Saturday, off slipped his left cast. This has always been our problem -- when he was being casted from August-December, his casts always fell off. After his surgery in December, his casts didn't even stay on a week before they slipped off. Same thing with his AFOs (braces), which is why he hasn't been wearing them, which is why his feet have turned back. A vicious cycle. Since I had to work yesterday, Tim had to take him to King of Prussia (far, far away in PA) to get the cast replaced, because that is where our orthopedist was yesterday. When Tim got there, he waited (as is customary when visiting this doctor). While he was waiting, the nurse took off Oliver's remaining cast, saying that the doctor would just replace both casts today so that we didn't have to come back Friday.

Fast forward to the doctor coming in, looking at Oliver's feet and saying "I give up." Um, excuse me? Seriously, that's the last thing a parent wants to hear. I get what he is saying, but his delivery/attitude could be a bit better. This is the same man who called Oliver's legs obese (UM, EXCUSE ME?!), so we have to take it with a grain of salt. What he should have said was that his feet aren't in much better position than they were when we started this round of casting, and the casts weren't staying on, anyway. Without the casts moving his feet into place, the AFOs won't fit. So what is there to do? A good question. His upper legs are "obese" because that's where his working muscles are. His calves and feet are smaller because he has no muscle tone there. So what are we going to do? What do other people do? The answer for now is to stretch, with probable surgery in the future. A totally unsatisfactory answer, because stretching alone is what got him back in the casts.

There are a few upsides to this. 1) Oliver is thrilled to see his feet again. You should see him kick them up when he is laying down. Very happy -- loves his feet. 2) Now that he is eating table food, I would find all sorts of food in his casts. Gross! This latest set was stained with orange ice-pop, anyway. 3) He can have bathes and go swimming! 4) We don't have to drive him to Philly every week.

We still have a great physical therapist, and hopefully, she will be able to help us compensate. I know that I am thinking too far ahead by wanting him to stand (for which he would need flat feet) since he isn't crawling yet. But now that he is officially falling behind in "regular baby" stuff, I am anxious to get him moving ahead. I guess this will be a constant tug as he grows up; balancing hopes and expectations with reality. But I would rather hope and push than wait and see.

My Son Plays with Dolls -- and that's OK!

In the middle of sleep strikes, attitude problems, and messy dinners, my kids are able to break out with some pretty cute stuff. Oliver almost had me in tears last night. When I was getting the kids ready for bed, I put Oliver on his new couch (a little Sesame Street foldout couch that we bought him for his birthday). I left him there so I could go help Mac brush her teeth, and put one of her dolls next to him so that he could play. When I came back in, he was holding the doll across his lap and stroking her head. He was so tender and so cute. It was quite possibly the cutest thing that I have ever seen. I had no idea he could do that -- to me, it shows that he is capable of applying learned behavior to new situations. In the middle of worrying about his development, you have no idea how comforting that is. And even more importantly, it shows that he has compassion. Yes, I realize that I am probably the first mom every to be proud of her son for playing with dolls.

Not to be outdone, Mac later "read" a book to Oliver that I used to read to her. She is getting so good at memorizing books and reading them back. The book that she read to him was Moo, Ba, La,La,La by Sandra Boynton. It was her favorite for a long time when she was just a little bit older than he is now. And now she is "reading" it to him. Last night, the little peanuts made me proud. 

The Little Man Turns 1

It had to happen some day. My little one has turned one. And what a happy, sweet, and special one he is! So much has been going on lately that I don't even know where to start. Our biggest news is, of course, Oliver's birthday. I spent yesterday in a mix of emotions; happiness that Oliver is growing up and progressing, wistfulness over the fact that he isn't so little anymore, gratitude that he is just doing so well. We spent part of yesterday at CHOP (where it all began!) because Oliver is back in casts so that his feet (hopefully) move back into a position in which he can comfortably wear his braces (they had started to move back because his braces always fell off, so nothing was really "holding" his feet in position). Now that he is one, I'm really hoping that we can get him to stand soon. Being at CHOP made me even more emotional, because it was so easy to picture the early days when Oliver was in the NICU. I wanted to peek in for a visit, but I thought that might qualify me as "crazy," so I just stuck to orthopedics and the cafeteria.

So what else is there? Oliver is also being reevaluat

ed for a shunt, because the MRI he had back in July showed that his ventricles are significantly larger than they were in his previous MRI (taken the week he was born). The neurologist at St. Peter's thinks that there is some urgency to getting a shunt, but the doctors at CHOP feel that as long as he is acting fine and acquiring new skills, he is okay for now. They said that he can have larger ventricles and more fluid, but as long as the fluid is "calm" and not putting pressure on his brain, things are okay. So I remain on "double secret alert," watching the poor guy fora host of symptoms, including crankiness, lethargy, skill loss, or missed milestones. Poor Oliver; one bad day and I'll probably have him back in the hospital for brain surgery. 

We also had a whirlwind trip to Disney in which Mac met all of the princesses and Oliver fell in love with Mulan. We ate at the Princess Character breakfast, and the kids got to meet Belle, Mulan, Jasmine, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty. I really only booked the breakfast for Mac's benefit, since she is a huge fan of the princesses. But one kiss from Mulan, and Oliver was hooked.

And so goes our summer. My semester starts next week. Nothing says fall is coming like pre-season football and the beginning of fall semester. Still chugging along on my dissertation. I wonder what will happen first -- the Jets get to the playoffs or I finish the dissertation. Now that we have Brett Favre, it's really anyone's guess...

Twilight Baby Days

We are in what I consider the twilight baby days -- Oliver is so close to his first birthday! So much of his baby-ness is transforming into little boy habits. He has always had his own personality, but now it really shines through. He has a presence and an awareness about him. He can do so much, and he seems to have purpose. He's still squishy, but he's not a little baby.

I've been weaning him this week, too. We're working on drinking from a sippy cup, with a bottle sometimes. Breastfeeding was such a great experience -- I'm so glad it worked out. But this is just one more sign that he is growing up.

With Mac, I've felt that every age has been better than the last (although three has been rough). I have to keep that in mind -- as they grow, they only get better.

But even as he grows up, Oli will always be my little baby.

F*cking Ice Cream Man

I know, it's a bit harsh, right? But every time I have Mac under control, he comes along with his stupid truck and it's instant tantrum. Let me contextualize this by saying that approximately 50% of our time is spent in a tantrum, 10% of our time is gearing up for a tantrum, and 20% of our time is spent recovering from a tantrum. So that leaves us a full 20% of peaceful time. And when we hit our state of zen, I don't want it interrupted.

Yesterday, I took the kids to the park. As soon as we pulled up, I saw the truck. There was nowhere to go but out of the car, so I parked as far away as I could and started to get the kids out of the car. But Mac's sugar sensor was on high alert, and she ID'd the truck right away. I cringed as she pointed it out. She was soo cute about it, too. She gets really excited when she hears the truck music. Now let me say that we had already had ice cream with lunch not thirty minutes earlier, so there was no way I was letting her get ice cream. Mean..maybe? But in taking stock of Mac's eating habits, I recently realized that she can log upwards of 2 or even 3 ice cream treats in one day if she spends different parts of the day with different family members. Each of us gives her a treat unaware that the other already did so. As a result, I'm really trying to make sure that her snack intake becomes more reasonable. Two ice creams in less than an hour does not constitute "reasonable."

Of course, this means nothing to Mac. As soon as I said no to the ice cream, the tears started. Don't get me wrong, I felt bad, but I wasn't going to budge on this. So she cried, told me she was mad at me, pointed out the truck a million times as it sat there for a ridiculously long amount of time. But finally the truck left and we were able to concentrate on playing.

Not an hour later that stupid truck came back. Talk about a mental head slap - I silently cursed him and prayed that Mac somehow wouldn't hear him. No such luck. She may not hear me talk when I am two feet away from her, but she could hear the truck from across the park. Seriously, why did he need to come back so soon. I take it personally, like they are trying to trap parents into buying treats by creating mass hysteria among all of the children. They figure that nobody can say no. Well, I can!

MRI Results

So it was basically what I expected. The MRI showed that he has enlarged ventricles, but he is acting okay, so we are in a grey area as far as shunting is concerned. The neurologist called last week to let me know that there was no apparent reason for the seizure-like activity, which has pretty much stopped by now. It's still a relief that there is nothing abnormal showing up. However, the doctor did tell me that the film showed "moderate to severe" enlargement of the ventricles, with a rounding shape that is indicative of spina bifida. This isn't too surprising, since he has always had some swelling. They just didn't feel that it was enough to shunt him. The real tell would be if this MRI showed a significant difference from the MRI taken when he was born.

I called CHOP and they basically told me that they treat kids, not x-rays, and that if Oliver seems fine, then there probably is no reason to shunt him. They explained that just because the ventricles are enlarged, there isn't necessarily pressure. And pressure on the brain is what causes a problem. Their reasoning is that if he had pressure on the brain, there would be tell signs such as extreme lethargy or excitability, regression in his abilities, or vomiting. While he isn't doing any of this, I have heard of cases where babies who were shunted without any of these tell signs experienced dramatic improvements after receiving a shunt. Sort of like they were doing okay, but did so much better once they received the shunt. All of this said, I do feel like Oliver is doing really well -- making a lot of progress, really responsive, etc. So I sent the film to CHOP on Saturday for Monday delivery.

I called today to follow up. The first time I spoke to them they said that while the ventricles were enlarged, they saw no reason to change the course of treatment. However, they must not have really looked, because they called back an hour later to say that upon looking at them further, there is some change between the first MRI (taken when he was born) and the most recent. What does this mean? That I should put my radar up. While I appreciate the fact that I should just be more attentive to his signs than usual, I feel like I'm on double secret probation. It's like telling me not just to worry, but to really worry. But not to do anything, either. They did move my appointment up from the end of August to the first week. And on their recommendation, I'm seeing a pediatric opthamologist tomorrow. Pressure on the optic nerve is another sign of swelling, so we'll see what this doctor has to say.

So no huge surprises, but definitely an uncomfortable grey space. I just hope my little man is okay.

We Love Nurses

There are lots of things that I love, love, love, and today nurses are at the top of my list. I've actually loved nurses since the day I gave birth to Mackensie -- the labor and delivery nurses were so comforting, and I was amazed that a stranger could be that kind and willing to so completely care for me (anyone who has given birth, and maybe some who haven't, knows what kind of yuck is involved in that, and nurses clean it up and hold your hand through all of it). Since we've had Oliver, actually since his diagnosis in-utero, we have had a chance to interact with many, many nurses. Without exception, they have all been so great. After each extended interaction, I'm so grateful and just want to give them a hug. We actually did give the NICU nurses a basket of chocolate and snacks, although they deserved so much more. But today was Oliver's MRI, so it was back to the hospital. We didn't go all the way to CHOP, but stayed local instead. The nurses were, as usual, great. They were super careful inserting his IV, which anesthesiologists have not been able to do so well in the past (because he is so "well-fed"). They collapsed one vein, but considering what a pudge he is, that isn't so bad. They let me ride down to radiology on the stretcher with him so that I could hold him, and sat patiently with me watching his vital signs when the MRI was done. Our nurse explained that if they saw anything of concern, they would likely call today. And very fortunately, I haven't gotten a call so far. I do know that this doctor keeps late hours, as he has called me at 8 on a Friday evening in the past, but I'm hoping we're in the clear. And by in the clear I'm hoping for no abnormalities that could contribute to seizures (actually, no abnormalities at all) and no need for a shunt. Although I don't think this doctor would evaluate him in terms of hydrocephalus, but I'm sending the films to CHOP for their opinion, as well.  

So today I'm thankful for a successful hospital visit, no complications with anesthesia, no phone call yet, and, of course, nurses.

We All Scream for Ice Cream

You can have barbecue, stay outside with some daylight until 9 p.m., and even turn on the air conditioning, but nothing says summer like going down to the shore. Tim doesn't really like the beach, but I think that seven years of whining to go have finally worn him down. Plus Mac really likes it. So we went down to the boardwalk at Point Pleasant on Saturday as a birthday/father's day celebration. The difference between this year and last year is amazing -- Mac actually went on the rides this year. She even rode the helicopters that flew into air if you pull back the lever. She loved it! 

And speaking of loving things, Oliver L-O-V-E-S ice cream. Just like we all do. I think everyone enjoyed the first Kohr's of the season a little too much.

We get a Break

So Oliver's MRI got cancelled. Apparently, the machine broke down due to a power surge. I'm both disappointed and relieved. We'll have to reschedule in the near future, but for now, we can just enjoy the day. 

Time for Prayers Again, Please

You guessed it - Oliver is going to the doctor for another procedure. He is having a MRI as a follow up to his EEGs. He hasn't really done any of the twitching, but the doctor set this up a while ago. I feel like we should go trough with it since it should hopefully put the issue to rest, and also because an MRI will show if his hydrocephalus has gotten any worse. Since we still have no shunt, it is good to know how things are looking. Of course, since he doesn't show any signs of hydro, seeing it on the MRI would be disturbing because we would be left with a tough decision: if he has hydro but it doesn't seem to be causing any problems, do we leave it or fix it with a shunt? And, of course, the MRI requires sedation, which I HATE. It makes me so nervous (and usually causes some wheezing) every time. We are going to a local hospital, and he has never had anesthesia there. But I'm sure they know what they are doing...

So you can see why I am asking for prayers. Little or big it, it doesn't matter, I know God listens to them all :)

It's Been a While

I realize that I have been negligent in posting. But I've been in kind of a funk and I have nothing productive to say. I think that I don't even know what I'm thinking or feeling, so I certainly don't know how to put it into words. We've been busy -- very busy. I've been so tired -- tired of feeling like I should be with the kids while I'm doing work, and tired of feeling like I should be doing work when I'm with the kids. And don't get me started on physically tired. And I've been worried -- worried that Mackensie has some serious emotional/behavioral issues, worried about everyone's health, worried that my dissertation isn't "relevant." And did I mention that I still haven't lost the belly fat from Oliver even though I've been working out regularly for maybe the second time in my life? That is so not going to last if I don't start seeing results.

But even though we've been existing in this haze of worry and disarray, we have had some exciting events. Tim and I celebrated our five year wedding anniversary! To celebrate, we went to the Chart House and actually spent the night up there. It was so nice. We even went to the movies, which I get to do maybe twice a year. I also had my first day at Penn State. I'm developing an online course over the summer, and Wednesday was my introduction. I was happy to find out that it only took an hour to get there, and that there is a Starbucks, 2 Dunkin Donuts, 2 sushi restaurants, and a Target in the five minutes between the PA turnpike and the school. All of my vices in a neat little row.

Also, Oliver got new braces. I'll have to post a picture of the size difference between his first pair and this new pair. They seem so big! The chunky little monkey is growing up...

Where does all the time go?

Since she continued to cough through the night and into the morning, I took Mac to the doctor today. Of course, by the time we go there she was barely coughing and I felt like a complete idiot. This was our third day in a row at the pediatrician. When I sat back and thought about it, I came up with the following calculations:

In the last month, we have had:

1 overnight hospital stay for an EEG (this does not count the two out-patient EEGs that took place a little over a month ago)

1 Spina bifida clinic day (this includes seeing a pediatrician, nurse practitioner, physical therapist, orthopedist, neurosurgeon, and brace fitting)

at least 7 trips to the pediatrician (3 for Mac, 4 for Oliver)

4-5 days of physical therapy

1 day of developmental intervention

If you average that out for a 30 day a month, that works out to some sort of medical appointment almost every other day.

No wonder my house is such a mess.

What the heck, I'm up...

So it's 2 a.m. - waay past my normal bedtime. What am I doing awake? For one, I'm battling writers block. I'm working on the latest round of corrections for my dissertation. This is an important revision, as this draft will go to my committee for approval before I can move on to the next step. Three of the members have not seen a draft since December, and if they don't like the direction I'm going in, it could be back to the drawing board. I was chugging along on corrections when I hit a dead end. This dead end, coupled with a severe shortage of free time to work on the dissertation, led to a stand-still in writing and a load of anxiety. I decided that I would stay up as late as possible tonight and just work, no matter what actually came out. That strategy has actually proven useful so far. But in the meantime...

Oliver went for his nine month check-up yesterday (I know -- he's so old now!) and we found out that he also has bronchial-itis. Back on the nebulizer for him. The doctor was nice enough to inform me that croup is also going around. Great. Mac and Oliver both wake up coughing today - not croup, just coughing. But low and behold, as soon as I get Mac to bed tonight, I hear the tell-tale seal barking of croup. Before it could turn into full-blown croup, I put her in the bathroom with steam. Still coughing. I get her ready to go out onto the porch into the cool night air. Still coughing. Who wakes up but Oliver, and his cry is sounding a little bark-y. So I bundle them both up, stick them in the car, and drive around with the windows down. The coughing slows down, but it's still intermittent and bark-y. Back into bed with warm juice for both of them (and all I can think about is the sugar on their teeth all night -- ugh!). Oliver has stopped coughing and she is coughing only occasionally. Of course, this is the one night that Tim is not home -- he is at the midnight showing of Indiana Jones (lucky!). But the good thing about croup is that it is supposed to be gone by the morning.

Other than his cold, Oliver got a good review at his check-up. He also went to CHOP last week for Spina Bifida clinic, and he got a good review there, too. Neurosurgery even offered to let him go six months (instead of three) between visits. That made me too nervous, so I'll still take him back in three months when we go back for clinic. The pediatrician at CHOP did mention that Oliver is a bit on the large side, and suggested we watch his intake so that he doesn't get too heavy. I get her point, since he doesn't burn calories as quickly as other babies, since he is less mobile. But really, you can't put a baby on a diet! But in case I didn't get the point, the orthopedist actually called Oliver's legs obese! Excuse me?? I left CHOP in a total huff, but have since calmed down. My home pediatrician said that his weight is fine, and that his eating schedule is a healthy one. But it is a thought that I will hold onto -- I guess his diet does have to accommodate the fact that he won't be moving around as much as one who is "fully mobile."

I guess I should get back to my dissertation and at least finish the section I'm working on. Since I'm up...

Mystery Solved

When I was changing Oliver yesterday, I noticed a bruise on his leg, right above his knee. It was rather large and round. It looked pretty much like a bite mark. But no...how could that happen? Who would bite Oliver? I have to admit that my first thought went to Mackensie, not the dog. But I keep a very close eye on them when they are together. Certainly I would notice her chomping down on his leg, certainly I would have heard him cry after something like that. Did the dog do it? Doubtful. The skin wasn't punctured, and the imprints looked flat, not sharp. 

I began my investigation by asking Mac directly if she bit Oliver. The answer was no. Later in the day, I brought Nanny in on the investigation. When she asked Mac if she bit Oliver, Mac told her no, that I had done it. Since I knew that I hadn't bitten Oliver, I knew that Mac was being less than truthful. But I still had some doubts. Usually, if she does something wrong, Mac tells on herself.  She was denying, and I was halfway buying.

Later that night, when I was helping her to get dressed, Mac leaned in and gave me what started out as a hug. But before I knew it, I felt little teeth digging into my shoulder! Mac was, in fact, the culprit. My little princess has been having some aggression issues lately, but this is the worst of them. Oddly enough, she wasn't angry or anything when she did it. She just leaned in and took a bite. So, of course, we reprimanded her and added biting to the list of things she shouldn't do.

Hopefully, we "nipped" this in the bud.

Mac's Big Weekend

First (and most importantly) we are pacifier free. We have ditched the "ninny." I was dreading this so much. Although I have wanted her to give it up forever, Mac was so attached to her pacifiers. She used them as an emotional crutch -- if she was upset, she would ask for one even if she already had one in her mouth. And she has screamed so much in the car when we've forgotten one at home that we actually have turned around to get one. But she is not allowed to have them in school, and has gone all day without one there, so I decided that it was time to get rid of it. I have tried many approaches in the past (offering a doll or stuffed animal, telling her that she was too old for one) but none worked. However, I just hadn't hit upon the right word. Mac loves to race and has to win,  so I told her she could trade her ninny for a prize. Bing! That was it. She thought about it for two days, and then agreed. So we took her to the mall, let her pick out any princess prize she wanted, and paid for the prize with her pacifiers. That way, when she asked for them later, we could remind her that she saw us hand them in. The first night she was a little sad, and actually slept with her prize. After that, she hardly brought them up. First potty training, now this...my little girl is growing up!

On Sunday, we went out for dinner and Mac did a face plant into the ash tray outside. She was running around pretending to be a bull and tripped over Tim's feet. Her eye immediately started to swell, and before long, she had a black eye. Looking at it makes me sick, but she doesn't seem to mind. Now she looks as tough as she is...

Finally, I'm celebrating a different type of Mac. I traded in my partially defunct PC for a Mac Book After losing my dissertation, I decided to move up the timeline for getting a new computer. So after some research, Tim and I decided to go the Mac route. My standards are pretty low -- as long as I don't lose any important documents, I'm happy.

With Honors

Does anyone remember that movie? It came out in 1994 and had Brendan Fraser and Moira Kelly (also of Cutting Edge fame). Brendan Fraser played a Harvard student who lost his dissertation when his computer crashed. He only had one copy, which he dropped down a grate in his haste to make a photocopy. Even though the movie wasn't that great, the thought of losing a dissertation has always stuck with me. Now I know how he feels. Okay, I'm not as bad off as he was -- I e-mailed myself a copy on Sunday. But everything I did between Sunday and today -- gone. I'm currently searching my hard drive for temporary files, but so far, no luck. This sucks sucks sucks. I'm not sure if the problem is my computer or my USB drive, but now I'm afraid to even try and work on my computer. And of course I owe my advisor a draft by the end of the weekend. One good thing about my procrastination this week...I didn't get as much done as I normally would have. Less done, less lost.

Home Again!

That's right -- we're home! Oliver was discharged earlier today. The doctor's assistant said that none of the episodes that I noted were seizures. I still think that they look abnormal -- more than average "baby stuff" -- but I'm guessing if it was anything alarming, it would have shown up on the EEG. I'm still a little nervous that maybe we didn't capture the right thing, but I think that overall he did everything at the hospital that I've seen him do at home. I just have to hope and pray that this is right -- I have faith God is steering us in the right direction.

So, that's it. I was on my way home from teaching when Tim called me to let me know that they were being discharged. So I got some wine and headed home. We all played outside a little bit, I got to put Mac to bed, and now we're relaxing and watching some Magnum PI. Seriously, this is the life. Poor Oliver has blisters from where the electrodes were on his head, but he seems happy anyway. Really, there is no place like home.

Update

We're still here, hanging out in the hospital. We made it through the first night. A little bedtime, Oliver did some of his twitching. I was actually relieved, since that means it will be on tape. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but every time I see him have an "episode" I'm supposed to press a button that marks it on the tape. And then I also write down what I saw so that they know what to look for. As I do this, I check the time on the EEG machine and note it, also. Each time I check the screen to see what the EEG output looks like, as if I can note normal v. abnormal brain patterns. Even though I have no idea what it means, it does create a nice little mini-obsession/distraction for me. And apparently, the doctor can check the feed and/or video right in his office. He is supposed to contact us later to let us know what he has seen so far. Hopefully, we will get good news and an early release. We'll see.



Mac came to visit last night. We had a good visit until it was time to go. She wanted daddy to stay with Oliver and me to go home with her. She cried when she was leaving. I felt so bad. So far, we have been able to marginalize Oliver's illness for her, since most of his doctor appointments have been on a Wednesdays, when she is at school. I usually don't even tell her that is where we are going, in case I am late picking her up. I usually just tell her I am at work. Let her resent that, instead. And even though we have PT, she gets to help out when she is home. But sometimes, like now, we have to tell her what is going on. I just hope that this isn't the beginning of resentment, abandonment issues, or jealousy. I am acutely aware of the fact that Oliver's condition can adversely affect her, and am not entirely sure how to deal with it.

And of course, there are the old-fashioned sibling issues of sharing and kindness to deal with. Here is Mackensie "sharing" her new dolls with Oliver last night. In my rush to get everything together, I forgot to bring many toys for Oliver. So when Mac came with dolls, we tried to get her to share. She did for a while, but she never let him forget whose dolls they really were (in keeping with her belief that everything really belongs to Mackensie).


And I'd like to give special thanks to Da_Bitchez, who continue to support my sporadic internet access during this hospital stay.

So here we are...

at the hospital. We decided to go ahead with the 3-day EEG. The doctor never really gave us a choice, but we had debated whether or not it was worth it. Oliver had a few episodes last weekend, but a basically twitch-free week. A few here and there, but nothing over the top. So yesterday I decided to do a little internet research, which I had purposely stayed away from because I didn't want to freak myself out. But then I also thought that if I was committing to a three day stay in the hospital, I should know what it is for. And the research did scare me, but mostly because it doesn't sound that much different from what he is doing. And that brings us to today. It was supposed to start at one o'clock, but we really just got things underway around 4:30. We have our own private room, which is nice. I'll stay with Oliver and Tim will take care of Mac on the home front. Of course, they will come visit. And he'll spell me so that I can go teach tomorrow. But basically, Oli and I are going to have some quality time for the next few days.

To prepare him for the EEG, they had to use the most foul smelling glue to keep the electrodes on his head. He cried, but not too bad. Towards the end, he "fell asleep." I personally think that he passed out from the fumes, but the tech insisted that all babies fall asleep from fighting and crying. Mmm, I'm not so sure. I was ready to pass out, and he is a lot smaller than I am.

I'm trying to use this time productively to get my dissertation done, but I only have sporadic internet access. The hospital doesn't have wireless, so I'm pirating internet from Da_Bitchez. I can only guess that is the wireless network of one of the local college students.

I also bought a novel to read (another James Patterson -- it was all they really had at the food store this morning) and I brought Enchanted to watch. So Mr. Man and I will snuggle up for the night and relax.

Spring Fever!

It's bad when even the instructor gets spring fever...but I get it every year. I hate the winter and LOVE the spring. I love the summer even more. And we are finally having a few consecutive days of really amazing weather. I don't want to do anything excpet hang around with the windows open, eat at an outside table, or just run mindless errands. It doesn't help that both of the classes I teach are annoying me -- one is really smart and good at following directions, but not so great at participation. The other class has a pretty good cohesive and conversational feel, but they can't follow directions or complete assignments to save their lives (or their grades). I'm supposed to be doing my lesson plans for next week now (doing all of them on Friday is my way to clear up the rest of the week for dissertation work), but I can't stop looking out the window and willing a distraction to come my way. Of course, one of my two favorite distractions is at school right now, and the other is asleep. I know I'll be sorry later if I don't get my work done now.

Spring is also becoming a time for trips to the hospital. It's just about a year ago today that we visited CHOP for the first time for prenatal testing. What a difference a year makes. Now, we are waiting for our insurance to clear a 3-day hospital stay for a video EEG for Oliver. Even though they haven't found anything wrong, the neurologist still wants to rule things out. I don't actually think that it is necessary, but what if it is? Ugh. When I asked if I could send the office video of Oliver doing his jerking, they said not to bother, and to just bring it for the procedure. Pretty frustrating. And I haven't been able to get in touch with the office to a)ask if the EEG is on for Monday, and b) talk to somebody else about sending the video clips. Even though they don't capture everything, I'd like to doctor to at least see them before committing to three days in the hospital.

I think I hear said distraction stirring. Saved from doing more work!

Another Day, Another EEG

On Thursday, Tim took Oliver for his neurology appointment to follow up on the EEG. Although we knew that the results were normal, we still had an appointment to discuss what the twitching could be. I called CHOP and spoke to spina bifida clinic and neurosurgery to let them know what was going on, and to see if it sounded at all spina bifida related. They said that it didn't, but to make sure that the neurologist ruled out infantile spasms. I'm not sure if the neurologist thought they were a possibility, or if he was just unaccustomed to patients coming in with knowledge of possible conditions, but he ordered another EEG for Friday in order to rule them out. Thank God, that one also came back normal. He called me at 8:30 onh Friday night (talk about scary) in order to give me the results, and tell me that he wants to do a video EEG. He had mentioned this to Tim, as well. So I'm going along with this, until I realize that it is a 3 day procedure for which Oliver would have to be in the hospital. Um, what? Three days in the hospital? I'm torn -- while I want to be absolutely sure that there is nothing going on, this seems to be overkill. Are we looking to find something, or just rule something out? Either way, I would rather err on the side of caution. But where do I draw the line?

So the doctor is getting the ball rolling with pre-certification with my insurance company. In the meantime, I'm trying to catch the twitching on video so that I can show him. I caught a few instances that I'll try to e-mail to him. I'm hoping that he can diagnose from the videos.

So, here we go. Hopefully everything will be okay.

And in the middle of everything, Oliver got two teeth!

Another Busy Weekend

So far, the weekend has brought good things. Most importantly, we got good results on Oliver's EEG. Everything looks normal, thank God. We go on Thursday to see the neurologist to discuss the report in more depth and talk about possible reasons for the movements. Luckily, hHe has hardly even done it over the past few days. We're thinking maybe it had something to do with his medication, either the antibiotic (unlikely) or the medicine he uses in the nebulizer (more likely). He stopped both treatments on Wednesday, and we haven't seen him twitching much since.

Mac and I had a big baking day today. Aunt Beth bought us the Deceptively Delicious cookbook, which has recipes for using vegetable purees in a variety of ways. Although Mac is great about eating veggies, the book has a lot of simple and kid-friendly recipes. So we had sweet potato pancakes for breakfast (not from scratch) and made oatmeal raisin cookies (from scratch). Although I've been cooking a LOT more since having kids (even 1 meal a week would constitute more cooking that before I had kids), I haven't totally mastered how to cook well. Sometimes things turn out well, but I'm never that surprised if it doesn't taste that good. So the pancakes were a pleasant surprise, and the cookies were, well, edible. Not bad, but definitely missing something. But Mac and I had a good time baking, and Oliver had a good time watching.

We also had part of Oliver's 6 month PT evaluation today. We had to evaluate how far he has come and set new goals. He was so little when they first came out to evaluate him, so the progress he has made is amazing. The difference between a 2 month old and a 7 month old is quite large. However, there are still some areas that we need to work on. Rolling over, sitting up for a long period of time unaided, and reaching over his head are milestones that we had hoped to reach. We're getting there. And moving forward, we just want MOBILITY! Our PT, Ruth, is great, and is already thinking of ways that we can get there. If his service coordinator approves it, we'll move up to PT 2 times a week. Plus, we just have to fit in more practice. Lately, I've been overwhelmed by the amount of work that Oliver really could use. He's doing really well, but I want to get him to the next level. It's great to be surrounded by people who don't put limitations on what he will be able to do. I just want to make sure that he reaches his full potential.

Add to all of this visits with 2 sets of grandparents, and you have yourself a busy weekend. But we've had fun and lots of family time, which is always nice. We have a busy week coming up. As always, I have teaching and dissertation work to do. Tim's tournament is next Saturday, so we will have a lot of prep for that, and a very busy Saturday. I'm tired just thinking about it.

Candidate for a Nervous Breakdown

Some days are more difficult than others...

Actually, it backs up farther than just today. On Saturday, we noticed that Oliver was kind of jerking, or twitching, a little bit. It's been happening every day since -- some days more than others. Sometimes it is just slight, other times it happens for a few seconds. He looks okay while it is happening (other than the fact that he is twitching), but it is still unnerving. So I mentioned it when he went for his recheck at the pediatrician yesterday. Although they couldn't say what is was one way or the other, they did order an EEG to be on the safe side. We opted to stay local, since CHOP neurology (as opposed to Neurosurgery, which is where is already goes) has a ridiculously long wait time to get in. We were able to get an appointment for the EEG today. Luckily, it fell right in between my 2 classes. The EEG went smoothly. They said if there was anything alarming, they would call today. Otherwise, the neurologist is supposed to call tomorrow with an appointment for next week. Luckily, I got no calls today. But I'm still anxious to see if anything showed up. And if it didn't, what is causing the movement?

So after the EEG, I had to go give my Kean students their exam. As they haven't been performing so well, the exam was a stress point for both them and me.

Got home, picked up Mac, who did not want to leave Nanny's. For someone with such frenetic energy, Mac moves like molasses. Seriously, if you are in a rush (which I always am) you do not want to have to wait for Mac. I finally motivate her out of Nanny's house, get home, and start to cook dinner. I was making smothered Salmon, which basically consists of salmon covered in tomatoes, onions, a small amount of jalapeno pepper, and garlic. While I'm cooking, Oliver starts to cry. I figure he's hungry, but that he can wait until I am done cooking. Dinner is ready -- I set Mac up with her plate and start to feed Oliver. He cries every time I take the spoon out of his mouth to put more food on it. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, Mac starts bawling. Not her whiny cry, but a serious cry. She says her mouth hurts. My first thought is fish bone. Even though I understand the Heimlich in theory, I'm not sure how it would play out if I had to try it. I pray that I never have to find out. And I realize that if she was crying, she wasn't choking, but I was still scared. But then she said it was her cheek. So I took a look inside. I couldn't tell for sure, but I thought I saw some raised skin, like when you bite the inside of your cheek. And that makes me think coxsackie, a disgusting sounding virus that some kids at Mac's school had a few weeks ago. She just got off of antibiotics for a sinus infection, but you never know. She just kept crying, so I finally called my mom. Not that she could do anything, since she was on her way to DC, but I had to ask someone something.

When I explained what we were eating, my mom pointed out that it could have been the peppers in the food. Duh. Who feeds a 3 year old a dish with jalapeno pepper in it? Seriously, what a dumb idea. So I'm still not sure what it was. Mac was still complaining (but not crying) when I put her to bed. Not sure that I could rule out anything, I've been checking on her to make sure she is okay while she sleeps. She seems okay. There is no better sound in the world than the sound of your child breathing peacefully.

I'm not complaining, I'm just venting. It's not that I'm stressed out by my kids (this time). It's the opposite; I've found that being a mom makes you so emotionally vulnerable. The idea of anything bad happening to them is absolutely heart-stopping. And I don't mean to make Oliver's EEG all about me -- that is obviously about far more than how it affects my stress level. I just want what is best for him -- for both of them. When we were having the EEG today, the tech had never heard of spina bifida. When we explained it, she said "But he will get feeling in his legs eventually, right?" It was kind of hard to answer no. Sometimes I realize what a tough road he may have. When we went food shopping the other day, he couldn't sit in the cart as well as I thought he should. He kept leaning backwards. Why? Does he need more physical therapy? Occupational therapy? Do I just need to exercise him more? So many questions. And even though we've been blessed so far with good health for Mac, I never want to take her health for granted. So I check on them at night, pray for them, and hope that they turn out okay.

And, of course, ever since I heard that stress makes you retain belly fat, I stress about that a few times a day. Kind of counterproductive, but what else is new?

PT Updates

In our house, PT means two things: potty training and physical therapy. Mac has been potty trained for a month or two now, and it is glorious. And even though it took her a long time to buy into it, once she started, she hardly had any accidents. Even at night. Although she hasn't used it much recently, she has a Dora potty seat that she puts on the regular seat so that she doesn't fall in. Does that make sense? Here's a picture:

She has one at home, at Nanny's, and at Grandma's. One day when I was picking her up from Nanny's, she came out of the bathroom with the Dora seat on her head. I kid you not -- I don't know why she put it on there, but once it was on, it wouldn't come off. Liar, you say? I have proof:

I had to try really hard not to laugh, because she was so upset. It obviously hurt whenever we tried to pull it off. In my defense, I didn't take the pictures right away, but it was too good to pass up. Finally, Pop Pop had to cut it off. She recovered pretty quickly and even used the seat again for a while. So far, it hasn't gone back on her head. I wouldn't put past her to try again, though...

And the other PT -- physical therapy -- it going pretty well. Oliver still hasn't rolled over, which apparently is the gateway to mobility. So that is what we gear all of our time towards now. He's close, but still not getting it. I guess that all of his movement issues are related to the spina bifida, but it's kind of weird how it affects things other than just his legs. He still has a tough time sitting up on his own, and he kind of leans to one side more than the other. So we continue to stretch, roll, and play on the belly. Yesterday, I talked with the PT about what to do when Oliver hits the age where he should be crawling or walking. She gave me a really good idea: to go get one of those little flat scooters (like we used to use in gym class) to lay on/push. The idea of him wheeling away, out of control scares, me. Clearly, I mastered neither the little scooter, nor the bike, when I was younger. She said I could also get a little toy truck or even a package of diapers that he can lean on to scoot across the floor. She also told me that I might be holding him too much, and I should just let him hang out on the floor more. So we have all sorts of exciting things to try.

Our PT also recommended that Oliver see a physiatrist. A physiatrist "Specializes in clinical and diagnostic use of physical agents and exercises to provide physiotherapy for physical, mental, and occupational rehabilitation of patients: Examines patient, utilizing electrodiagnosis and other diagnostic procedures to determine need for and extent of therapy." Um, I just found this definition online-- there will be no electrodiagnosis. But anyway, this doctor would be able to prescribe special equipment and other therapy. Not that I'm looking forward to adding another doctor to our repertoire, but I do like the idea of getting Oliver all the help we can. And this doctor would be in New Jersey, which is always a bonus. Kind of like the Little Gym, but more intense.

A Successful Surgery

The title says it all. Thank God, everything went well. The day before surgery, we had to call to get a time: 6:15 a.m. Um, what? But they couldn't switch it, so down we went. Everything went very smoothly.

Hanging out in the waiting room.

6:15 -- we were actually on time! That might be the first time ever.

6:30 -- Taken into the perioperative room. This is the room for both pre-operative interviews and recovery. The room has a rocking chair for me, a chair for Tim, and stretcher/bed for Oliver, a "parent phone" for outgoing calls, supplies and a desk for the medical staff, and a tv. Since this is our third surgery, it's getting to be sort of familiar. Before the surgery, the nurse takes down general information about Oliver, verifies what is in his records, goes over allergies, etc. Then the doctor comes in to talk about the procedure and answer any questions. Finally, we meet with anesthesiology. Meanwhile, Oliver gets dressed in cute little hospital jammies. I'm always tempted to steal them, but I know I would never put them on him at home. Everyone commented on how big he is -- poor guy is going to get a complex.

7:30 -- They took Oliver into surgery. No matter how calm I am leading up to it, I always get choked up. Yesterday was no exception. I hate the idea of him going under anesthesia. Once he went to surgery, we went to the surgical waiting room. There is a woman with whom you check in, and she gives you all the information that goes along with waiting. I've identified a few jobs that I would want to do if I wasn't on my current career path, and for some reason, this is one of them. You can track Oliver's progress (in surgery or recovery) on a large board. There are computers, tables, vending machines, free coffee, and free graham crackers. I set up shop and got started on my dissertation. Tim read his book. It took quite a while for Oliver to get on the board -- I was just starting to get worried when I saw his initials and patient number pop up. A nurse came out twice to give us an update.

9:30 -- Oliver was in recovery. Always a relief. The doctor came out and told us that everything went well. They found his left testicle (yay), brought it down and "tacked" it so it stays in place, and also went into the right side and tacked that one down, too. The little guy is all set. Oliver was a little hungry and a little cranky. He spent much of the next hour sleeping and occasionally eating.

11:30 -- We were able to be discharged. After we went down to the cafeteria to get lunch, we hit the road to go home. Oliver spent the rest of the day sleeping and eating, but mostly sleeping. He doesn't seem to be in much pain. He has four incisions altogether, two of them in a very delicate place. But by today, he was all recovered from the surgery.

All tired out and ready to go home.

O Sleep, Where Art Thou?

Proof that they can sleep, when the choose to.

Sleep has left the building. Seriously. A combination of the time change plus our group illness has left the house essentially sleepless for over a week now. While I appreciate the extra hours of light, I'll come right out and say it: damn daylight savings time. For the first few nights, Mac would not go to sleep with any less than 5 times of "coming out" -- sneaking out of bed with a little smile on her face to go potty, tell me that "the other night I said she could just lay on my lap and watch TV" (I never said that), or just plain run around until I can catch her and put her into bed. And then when I put her in, she yells "Mama, come!" She doesn't even call me "Mama" -- this is her attempt at baby talk, probably because while she is doing all of this I often have Oliver on my lap trying to get him to sleep. In keeping with the old adage "Never go to sleep angry," I hate having to reprimand her before sleep. I want her last thoughts before sleep to be happy thoughts about how much mommy loves her. However, after about 2 times of her coming out, I have completely lost my cool. Then I overcompensate by getting angry, getting her into bed, and then giving her a ton of kisses once she is in there. So maybe I'm sending some mixed messages.

This doesn't happen every night. But more often than not, on the nights that this doesn't happen, she has been waking up in the middle of the night. We have gone through this before and it sucks. I really don't even know what to do. When she wakes up in the middle of the night, it starts with her little feet padding down the hall. Usually a cute sound, it now generates a curse from me, followed by me hitting Tim's arm and telling him to get ready. My equivalent of yelling "incoming!" And this is what happened last night. It may have been our worst ever. She came in around 2:30. Tim had just gotten in bed, so he took the first attempt at getting her back to sleep. So Mac says, "Doggy really wanted to sleep in your bed." I told her that doggy (her stuffed dog, who she was holding) could come back in the morning, but had to sleep in her bed. So she said, "Okay doggy, did you hear that? Maybe another time, okay?" Very cute. So Tim took her and put her in bed. She asked if I could come lay. Okay. So I go lay for quite a while. Every time I went to get up, she looked like she was almost asleep, so I would stay. When it was clear she wasn't going to sleep, I told her I was going to bed. She started to wind up the tantrum. I told her to wait for me in bed 10 minutes and I would come back. If she was still awake, she could come in bed with me. But if she tried to follow me down the hall, she would have to go back in bed with the door closed.

Here's where I made my mistake -- she made it the whole ten minutes, so I went to check on her. I felt I owed it to her to be honest. Dumb. She was falling asleep when I went in. But when she saw me, I had to bring her into my bed.

Of course, all of this time, Oliver is asleep in our bed because I can't figure out how to get him to sleep in his own bed without crying and waking up Mac (like that makes a difference these days. But I do live in fear of him waking her up if I let him cry it out in his crib, for obvious reasons. I reason that after his surgery tomorrow, I'm going to let him sleep with us no matter what. So I'm waiting to train him to sleep in his own bed until after the surgery. Hah.). So we all squeeze into my bed and Mac proceeds to kick, roll, sit, and basically not sleep. So we put her back in bed. Back out she comes. Back in bed. Back out she comes. We close our door so she can't get in. She cries. We put her back in her bed. Finally, around 4:45, she falls asleep. Not because of anything we did, but I suspect because she hit her 2 1/2 hour mark and just fell back to sleep.

Exhausting, and I don't know what to do. I've tried different "sleep methods" and they really rely on a child who listens. And when it comes down to it, the only thing left is to let them cry it out. Which I hate. I've done it with Mac before, and it works, but I hate it. And now that she's not in a crib, it's a whole different game. Plus, with two, if one is sleeping, I don't want anyone crying to wake up the other. But I can't really blame the kids, because neither is a good sleeper. My parents might insinuate that it is karma, because I didn't nap and was also a night-waker. But at this point, we are all so utterly sleep deprived that I don't know how to get us back on track.

At least we all seem to be on the mend. Oliver should be clear for surgery tomorrow. Mac is having a sleepover with Nanny tonight in case we have an early surgery time. Sorry, Nanny -- let me offer my apologies up front.

Another Sick Day

So we're having another sick day. But this one is on the heels of what might be my scariest experience yet as a mother: an episode of croup. Mac has been stuffy/runny for a few days, but overall fine. Last night she woke up around midnight and could hardly catch her breath. She was coughing like a "seal bark" and having trouble breathing. At first she couldn't catch her breath, and then it turned into a "Darth Vadar" sounding breathing pattern. Her little chest was caving in at the ribs with each breath. We threw her in the bathroom and put the shower on full steam. Then I called the doctor. I had to leave a message with the hospital answering service, and when they called back, they very slowly took my name, address, etc., so that they could bill me the $5 required for after-hours service. It took all of my control to stay calm. By the time she actually got to talking about what was wrong with Mac, Mac had pretty much stopped coughing.

Luckily (sort of), Tim had experience with croup because he had that and asthma often when he was younger. He was very calm, but I was ready to take her to the hospital. But after 30 minutes in the steamy bathroom and a trip outside in the cold, Mac finally sounded better. So I decided to sleep with her in case it started up again. Which didn't work, because Mac has a really hard time sleeping with someone in the bed. She is in denial about this, as she always wants to be in our bed or have us in her bed, but she really is more of a solo sleeper. So, at this point it is 2:30. She and I lay there for an hour, with her tossing and turning. No recurring coughs, so I tell her I'm going into my own bed.

Meanwhile, my bed has both Tim and Oliver. And I desperately want to keep Mac and Oliver separate, since I can't even imagine how scary croup would be in a six month old. Plus, Oliver has to be clear for his surgery on Tuesday. About 3 minutes later, I hear little footsteps coming down the hallway. It was Mac, and she would not be turned away without a fight. Since I didn't want her getting worked up, out goes Oliver and in comes Mac. Luckily, within about 15 minutes or so, we were all asleep.

Fast forward to 7 am, when Oliver wakes up (plenty sniffly) to eat his breakfast. So I bring him into bed and keep him as far away from Mac as possible. When Mac wakes up at 8:30 (Oliver and I both fell asleep while he was eating) it is clear that she a) feels better and b) really needs a lot more sleep. So she instantly starts poking at Oliver and tapping (hitting) him on the head. It is so tiring to reprimand within 5 minutes of waking up, but something that I find myself doing more and more often.

So I call the doctor, who says Mac doesn't have to come in, but gives me instructions on how to keep Olivers sniffles from turning into croup. Out I go to CVS, where I buy a second cool-mist humidifier (I've been rotating the one we have to whoever is "sickest" each night), nose drops for each kid, and a nasal aspirator.

After 45 minutes of driving (to Starbucks, of course). they both finally fell asleep. I've never seen two kids who needed it more.

So that's our day. At least nobody is throwing up (yet).

...Like I Need a Hole in my Head

Honestly -- we lose an hour today? I need at least five more hours in any given day, and I have to give one up today? That's an hour I could spend with my kids, working on my dissertation, or watching America's Next Top Model.

The only good thing is that it will stay dark a little later in the morning. Mac has been waking up at 6:30 instead of her usual 8 a.m., I'm guessing because it's been so light. Hopefully this will get her back to sleeping in just a bit.

Just Call Me Mother Earth

It started with breastfeeding. Then I started making my own babyfood. Now I just ordered my first stock of cloth diapers. Making my own babyfood is going well so far. I just boil/bake the food and then put it in the blender with water. I try to buy organic and make enough for 2-3 days at a time. I have a feeling cloth diapering will be a bit more difficult. I can hardly keep up on my laundry as it is. But there are a lot of compelling reasons for trying it out. 1)It's sooo much better for the environment. I hate diapers! Hate them! I can just picture them filling up the landfills. We go through so many, even with Mac being potty trained. Uck! 2) It seems more economical. I pay $15-$20 for a one-two week supply of diapers. They usually last me about 1 1/2 weeks. Even though cloth diapers are expensive to start up (I just paid $78 for 9 diapers and 4 covers ~2 day supply), you don't have to buy them very often at all. These 9 diapers could last me for months. 3) Oliver will likely be in diapers until we teach him to self-catheterize. When I spoke to the doctor last time we took him to clinic, they said that could be anywhere from 5-7 years old. So I'd rather have him in cloth, which is closer to underpants, when he is old enough to realize what is going on. I figure I might as well start now.

I've even stopped doing my nails and dying my hair. We'll see how long that lasts. I'm not holding out much hope for going that green.

Happy Birthday Mac!

Today my beautiful, my first-born, my most special girl, Mackensie, turns 3. I could not be more proud of, more pleased with, or more in love with her. She started out as a not-so-tiny little baby. She has suffered through my mommy learning curve, allowing me to make mistakes and still standing strong. She was the first that I diapered, the first that I read books to, the first on whom I tried to imitate my own mother's gentle and unconditional love. Mackensie, my love, will always have a special place in my heart because it was with her that I learned how to be a mom. Although I continue to learn more all the time, and Oliver teaches me sweet new lessons every day, it was with Mac that I took my first halting steps as a mother. I sometimes have a hard time remembering those early days now, but I will alwyas remember how sweet and special they were. And we continue to break new ground as mother and daughter every day; entering the preschool years and a time for Mackensie to really develop her personality. I hope that I can provide for her and relate to her in the ways that she needs.

I am not with her today. Tim and I are in Las Vegas for a tournament, so Mac doesn't actually know it is her birthday. We will celebrate it with her next week. But in my heart and mind all day, I am celebrating the fact that three years ago today, I welcomed the most special little girl into our lives.

Happy Birthday, baby. I love you!

All Okay, but with a Surgery

Our day at CHOP went well. Oliver is doing well on all spina bifida related issues. My mom took off the day to come with us again, so the three of us headed down to Philly after dropping Mac off at school. Our first appointment was ortho and we were pleased to hear that there was only one person ahead of us. But for some reason we still waited 2 hours for him to come in and tell us there is nothing he can do and to keep stretching Oliver's feet and legs. That is starting to get old.

Then we met with Chris from the brace shop. There really isn't anything that he can do to make the braces fit better until Oliver's feet grow. Again, frustrating. But okay.

Then we met with the physical therapist who seemed pleased with Oliver's progress. Then we met with the pediatrician, who indulged my 20 million questions about what Oliver's eating schedule should be. He also gave us a prescription for a laxative for Oliver. I thought it was funny that he felt it necessary to add that it wasn't a kind that Oliver could get addicted to. The idea of a 6-month old addicted to laxatives is a bit much. Of course, Mac does call Oliver "chubby, chubby" so I guess he could develop a complex and get addicted...

Neurosurgery went well. They still don't see a need for a shunt! But they did ask us to make sure that he gets measured monthly by either CHOP or my pediatrician.

For the first time, Oliver also had a renal ultrasound. It was so funny to be at a ultrasound that wasn't a prenatal ultrasound. This time, the baby was on the outside and he was the one getting the ultrasound. Luckily, everything looks good. But we did find out that he still has an undescended testicle. We've known this for a while, and we kind of make fun of him sometimes. Is that mean? Well, we won't make fun of him anymore because he actually has to have surgery to bring it down. Ouch! Luckily it's an outpatient procedure, but it's another round of anesthesia.

We got some good alone time with Grandma and McDonald's for lunch. I'm not happy about the surgery, but very relieved to hear that we are okay on spina bifida issues. All told, a full and successful day.