It has been creeping up on me, and today it hit. I have a lot to do, and not enough time to do it in. And on top of my "must" list is a whole bunch of personal enrichment that I want to get to. I want to have a schedule, a pattern, but something always gets in the way. My top priorities right now are:
- more time in reflection on God. I need to delve back into the Bible and get centered. This has been on my mind for a few weeks now, and I have just started doing daily devotionals. We had a guest speaker in church today that drove this all home, but I'll get back to that in a minute.
-- get a good summer schedule for the kids, including breakfast and lunch together, enema schedule for Oli,and fun learning activities.
-- become more patient and understanding. I find myself too short and too frustrated, too often.
-- get my work done.
-- go above and beyond crisis mode for work. Actually learn and enrich myself. Be creative.
-- see Tim. Talk to him. Spend time focusing on him.
-- get in shape. Love how it feels, and I'm a bit obsessive about it.
-- heal my core. I'm beyond obsessive about it.
And I feel like if I can do all this, relaxed and happy will follow.
I just realized "taking care of the house" didn't even make the list. But it is a necessity, even if it is only clean dishes and underwear.
Plus our babysitter is away this week. Plus, Tim is away next week.
I am stressed and short tempered and feeling like I'm not doing a great job at anything. Which only leads to more stress, which only leads to belly fat, which only leads to more stress and dismay. You get the picture. But what do I give up? What do I focus on?
I honestly don't know.
But, we did have a guest speaker in church today. He spoke about risk and moving forward. About really paying attention to what God wants for us. About the trap of being comfortable. And it got me to thinking:
-- what does God want for/from me?
-- what does he call me to do?
-- what I am called to do may not be what I want to do, and may not be one of the things that am currently juggling.
-- everything does not have to bear fruit. Some things are so glorious they are worth just trying.
I'm not sure what to take from all this yet, but I do think I was meant to hear it. Oli had a poop accident in church today and Tim had to take him home to change. I offered to go, but he told me to stay. I didn't even really want to go to church today, but I knew we had to push and go. To get this message seems significant, and I want to really hear it.
Maybe I am so frustrated and overwhelmed because I'm not doing what I should be doing. Maybe I'm not listening to and answering God's call.
I'm still going to move through my to do list today, but I will be thinking. I know God has a purpose and a plan - I need to find a way to listen and follow.
