I've lamented the fact that I didn't get enough done leading up to this point, and that is why I am struggling to get tenure. Which I'm not even sure I am. I might be fine. But I know I could have done better leading up to now. But lately I've realized:
I've been doing what I had to do. I've been living.
Yes, it's been a harried type of living, but that's life. A lot of academics wait to have kids until (at least) after they graduate, and even more until most of their tenure pubs are out or they've gotten tenure. But I decided I'd rather have kids. And I did.
Child care when we lost Tim's mom as full time help. Tim in the morning and me from three until beditme. Productive? No. But necessary. And of course, with our awesome family, I got a lot of help.
A second job when we needed extra income. Sometimes I look back and I wonder what I was thinking. That was a lot of time each week I could have been writing.
But
We needed it. And it was a lot of extra time with my mom. It was a lot of fun. And it was part of what our family needed to to at that time.
Training for multiple races when I could use those long run mornings to fit extra work in. Duh. But, I love running, and now I can say I've run 2 half marathons and the Broad Street Run. And I will do it again.
Working out when I could be working? Same as above.
So whether I get tenure or not next year*, I can happily say that I didn't put my life on hold while I was working toward it. Have I made people's lives miserable in the process? Probably a little. Have I stayed up nights worrying? Yes. But I haven't missed out. At least not on that much.
And so next time I'm up late worrying, I'm going to remember that it is all part of life. I love my job, I feel like I'm supposed to be there, But if I have to find a new one, that might be okay, too.
I realized that this post alternately makes me sound like a self-satisfied do-it-all, a horribly disorganized procrastinator, or a delusional pre-emptive rationalizer in case I don't get tenure. I hope I'm none of the above, but maybe I'm all three. My only point is that I am going to step back and try to measure my accomplishments by more than whether or not I get tenure/succeed in the workplace/etc. And in doing so, embrace a fuller definition of success and living.
* Bold statement, I know. Check in with me if I don't get tenure next year, and remind me about these grand thoughts.
Edited to add: I wrote this a few days ago and didn't post because I wanted to add a picture. In the meantime, I looked up a colleague who graduated after I did and saw that she already has two publications this year. TWO! And three for last year?! I'm hanging on hoping one of my revise and resubmits will come out. A true test of my new perspective.
Prayed a bit, got my priorities in check, and I'm better now. Only thinking about it once every two minutes, which is big break from the once a minute I was thinking about it before.
A total work in progress.
