Soul Searching

One of the things that has been missing since we have moved is a regular church to go to. I was very involved in my old church, teaching sunday school and attending services every week. The kids were happy there, and received a good education rooted in the Bible. They had friends, and we would often spend all of sunday morning there.

When we moved here, I was on the lookout for a church right away. I looked up Methodist churches, since that is what we were attending in NJ, and I found one in nearby Chestnut Hill. After browsing through their site, I was impressed with their focus on diversity and inclusiveness. After attending a service, I was thrilled to find that they do pull out sunday school for the kids (which means I don't have to try to get the kids to sit through service, which I don't think that they could do), but they also are so committed to diversity that they have a LGBT group. However, in talking to some members of the congregation after service (including a co-worker who coincidentally attends), they told me how great it was that they didn't focus too much on affirmations and other God-related parts of church. I was nonplussed -- what is the point of church if you don't focus on God. So although I have attended 2 services since, I have done so with skepticism. This church has many great elements, but may be lacking in the fundamentals.

In the meantime, we spent 2 weekends in NJ, during which I went to a really cool Methodist church with Beth near her house. But that is not an option for regular attendance for me, since we now live pretty far apart.

I have also tried an evangelical Presbyterian church near my house on Christmas and was not impressed. I tried another nearby Methodist church, but they don't have anything for the kids to do during service and the whole thing felt a little awkward. Plus, Mackensie had a tremendous tantrum when we left (they leave stuffed animals in the pews for kids to play with during service, and of course, she wanted to bring it home), so I don't know if we can ever go back there. Finally, this past week, I tried the local Catholic church on my own. It was recommended by my aunt, whose niece and nephew on my uncle's side, attend. It was big and lovely -- I haven't seen so many people in church in a long time. It seems active and thriving, but with 2 drawbacks: 1)I'm not sure I want to return to Catholicism. I think I like the methodist interpretation of service and our relationship with God (direct rather than mediated through a priest), and I know that I don't like the Catholic church's refusal to let women have positions of power and absolute stance against homosexuality. That said, I know that the Catholic church has many great things to offer, and this church in particular seemed really cool. I could see raising the kids there and having them become active members of the congregation. However, drawback #2 was 2) no christian education on Sunday. Kids have to (gulp) sit through service with the exception of @ 20 minutes when the younger kids are pulled out for kids message. By the end of mass, it was quite loud with all of the stirrings and grumblings of the youth. If other people's kids can't make it through, I know mine can't. And to separate out education from the day of worship seems like an extra step that we might not be able to consistently make. But maybe the plusses outweigh the minuses.

Ultimately, this search has become much more than just picking a new congregation. It has become about reaffirming what I believe, and choosing how I want the kids to be raised spiritually. I love what the Chestnut Hill church stands for, but when I read that their website says that they don't take the Bible literally, I was taken aback. However, when I think about it, how literally do I take the Bible? I know that my faith is strong, and because of that, I minimize inconsistencies between what I believe and what the Bible says. And, as the minister pointed out to me this morning, the Bible itself has inconsistencies (she mentioned 2 creation stories, which I was not aware of, but I didn't ask). But I am still somehow afraid that I am taking the "easy way out" if I view the Bible as open to interpretations. At the same time, I know that there are things that I don't agree with (stance on homosexuality) or adhere to (women covering their heads in public), so to choose a church that takes it literally while still staying true to my beliefs is somewhat problematic.

Ironically, since I started writing this post (over a span of 2 days, it's not like the phone rang mid-post. That would have been cool, though...) the pastor from the chestnut hill church just called to discuss me becoming a member. I gave her my questions and objections, and she answered them pretty well. She did say that it is a Christian church and that "Jesus is our guy." She said that they believe the Bible is inspired by God, but that God is still revealing himself to us, and that we have to use the Bible as a guide with that revelation, not an absolute. She told me that the christian education does emphasize the bible, but that rather than covering many stories, they stay with the same story for 4 weeks and approach it from different learning methods. It all sounded good, but I am still not 100% sold. However, she invited me to continue the dialogue any time, and told me that the other pastor actually teaches seminary at a great school in NY, so I am thinking that I could also talk to him about how to read the Bible as a both a literal, an an interpretive, text.

I still don't know what to do. For me, faith has been a journey that has taken many paths. I have been strengthened in it by many different people, and I feel that everyplace I have stopped has been worthwhile. So I am not afraid to take a detour for myself. However, I know the way that I was raised in faith has been a cornerstone of my journey; something to compare everything else to. I want to make sure that I give Mac and Oli the same advantage of having a strong, solid, and secure idea of faith to serve as their cornerstone throughout their own journeys. Which path is next?

Getting My Groove Back

God is good, all of the time.

happiness in CA

I believe this, and it is an outlook that helps me every day. Whenever I am feeling my lowest, something happens that lets me know that God is watching and is faithful. I just have to pay attention. And although the last year was challenging, I have seen this faithfulness more than ever. But that isn't to say it wasn't hard at times, or that I didn't feel lost along the way.

What I have realized over the last month or so (among many, many other things) is that I lost my groove in 2011. I remember the beginning of the year as being so happy and full of promise, and by the end of the year, I was just worn out. I don't think that there is any other way to say it. When I think about this time last year, I think about attending a conference and presenting a solo authored paper in Florida, training for upcoming races, and going to Las Vegas in March. For some reason, I have pinpointed that months time and that trip as the height of my happiness for the year. Probably b/c it was fun and carefree. I was doing well personally and professionally. And somewhere within a week of Las Vegas, I got preganant.

everyday, silly, happiness

Once I got pregnant, my focus shifted and I didn't submit to my usual November conference b/c I was supposed to deliver in November. No big deal. I applied for and got the Summer Faculty Fellowship, which paid me to write a paper this summer. I was still happy personally and professionally. Although I knew we needed to budget better, we still seemed to be doing okay moneywise.

Enter May. I lost the baby. That was hard, and I don't think I, or my year, ever recovered. I got a rejection from a journal, struggled with my summer paper (about which the pressure was huge, b/c I was being paid just to write this paper), and found out we didn't really have any money. By August, my paper still wasn't done, our house was up for sale, and we were pretty much out of money.

sisterly happiness

By November, our house was sold, we had bought another, we were packing, I barely eeked out my summer paper, and things were busy and out of control. It hurt me to pack up the kids mid-year and pull them out of school.

married happiness

By December, we were in our house, and I was trying to wrap up the semester and move in at the same time. I was also desperate to get a paper out to a journal for publication, since my acceptance rate in 2011 was less than stellar.

By Chistmas, I was tired.

By January, I realized that I didn't totally feel like myself. I wasn't depressed or unable to appreciate the joys of everyday life. Although I have outlined a pretty bleak year here, I wouldn't call it "bad." I ran my first half marathon, we sold our house right away in a bad market, and we took a great vacation to CA during which we missed a hurricane in NJ. Almost every day brought me joy in some way. But I felt like something was missing, and I wasn't quite on my game.

So I have made a conscious decision to refresh. And I have gotten a lot of help along the way. First, I have been able to take a few lessons from everything that happened, and the number one lesson is that:

Pennsylvania happiness

1. Our family is great! And I mean our whole family. Our "nuclear unit:" me, Tim, Mac, and Oli, is wonderful. I love our kids, I love Tim, and I am confident that we can find happiness and comfort wherever we are. Our "extended family" is also beyond wonderful and generous: from monetary help, to emotional support, to places to live, to not judging, and to tasty and free dinners, our family has been there every step of the way. In their acts of kindness and generosity, I have seen time and time again the type of person that I want to be to others.


I have also, once again, recommitted to being more organized and work focused, and getting stuff done! To that end, I have recommitted to writing and work time, and am trying to be more organized about everything. Living closer to campus helps a lot. What also helps is a recent raise, and a "revise and resubmit," which is a conditional acceptance of a journal article. I am working to claim this year for success early on!

So God is good. Within days of my "lost my groove epiphany," I found the help I needed in blessings big and small. While I know that the work is my own to do, I know that I am never alone in doing it.