Overwhelmed

So today, I am overwhelmed.

It has been creeping up on me, and today it hit. I have a lot to do, and not enough time to do it in. And on top of my "must" list is a whole bunch of personal enrichment that I want to get to. I want to have a schedule, a pattern, but something always gets in the way. My top priorities right now are:

- more time in reflection on God. I need to delve back into the Bible and get centered. This has been on my mind for a few weeks now, and I have just started doing daily devotionals. We had a guest speaker in church today that drove this all home, but I'll get back to that in a minute.

-- get a good summer schedule for the kids, including breakfast and lunch together, enema schedule for Oli,and fun learning activities.

-- become more patient and understanding. I find myself too short and too frustrated, too often.

-- get my work done.

-- go above and beyond crisis mode for work. Actually learn and enrich myself. Be creative.

-- see Tim. Talk to him. Spend time focusing on him. 

-- get in shape. Love how it feels, and I'm a bit obsessive about it.

-- heal my core. I'm beyond obsessive about it.

And I feel like if I can do all this, relaxed and happy will follow.

I just realized "taking care of the house" didn't even make the list. But it is a necessity, even if it is only clean dishes and underwear.

Plus our babysitter is away this week. Plus, Tim is away next week.

I am stressed and short tempered and feeling like I'm not doing a great job at anything. Which only leads to more stress, which only leads to belly fat, which only leads to more stress and dismay. You get the picture. But what do I give up? What do I focus on?

I honestly don't know. 

But, we did have a guest speaker in church today. He spoke about risk and moving forward. About really paying attention to what God wants for us. About the trap of being comfortable. And it got me to thinking:

-- what does God want for/from me?

-- what does he call me to do?

-- what I am called to do may not be what I want to do, and may not be one of the things that am currently juggling.

-- everything does not have to bear fruit. Some things are so glorious they are worth just trying.

I'm not sure what to take from all this yet, but I do think I was meant to hear it. Oli had a poop accident in church today and Tim had to take him home to change. I offered to go, but he told me to stay. I didn't even really want to go to church today, but I knew we had to push and go. To get this message seems significant, and I want to really hear it. 

Maybe I am so frustrated and overwhelmed because I'm not doing what I should be doing. Maybe I'm not listening to and answering God's call.

I'm still going to move through my to do list today, but I will be thinking. I know God has a purpose and a plan - I need to find a way to listen and follow.

P. to the S. - Keepin it Real

Yesterday was totally awesome. But after I hit "publish" I realized that I made it sound perfect. Which no day is. Just so that it doesn't seem like a) I have a perfect life and b) I am holding it over people, here is the rest of the day:

- surprisingly few, but at least one tantrum

- disagreement over movie night in which Tim wanted to watch a paintball video while I watched a kids show with the kids. I promptly pointed out in less kind words than usual that wasn't family

Night, but Rather me taking care of the kids for the whole night while he did whatever he wanted. He begrudgingly (at first) joined us.

- disagreement Over our workout schedule for today, involving pent up frustration over weekly basketball games with church friends.

Did we work it out? Yes. Was the day still awesome? Totally. I don't often post about disagreements b/c they are private and often fleeting, and it seems like putting tim out for judgement, since it would be told from my point of view. But it seemed only right to put it out there today. Showing the mix of the good and the (not so) bad.

Because that is what really makes up this awesome life.

Reasons today was awesome

We all woke up together
Homemade egg sandwich for breakfast
We saw my mom and Dale
We saw my sisters (could have only been better if Krys was there)

Harry!!!
We saw GG
We had margarita pizza, so it was delicious and I can pretend it was lower fat/calories than regular
We had fro yo
Freefallin' on the radio
We had more ice cream at home
Burgers and sweet potato fries for dinner
Movie night

2 beers

Bible reading and kisses goodnight

Denied (for now)

At a recent 5K. Goodbye racing, for now :(

So, people who know me know that I am pretty fitness minded. I work out on a very regular basis, and I am a bit crazy about what I eat. My goal, I always say, is healthy not skinny. And while this is true, I'm not really looking to put on much weight, either. People who know me also know that I have diastisis recti (DR), or a splitting of the outer abdominal walls caused by a weak core and intra-abdominal pressure. The result is a weak core, and a pooching belly. And how do you get that? Pesky kids :) I think Oli being in a pike position for months on end in utero started it, and Miles just kind of spread out nicely and made the room his own. The result? Now that I am back to pre-baby weight and all over shape, I look like a snake that swallowed a mouse. When I lay down, I can sometimes see the digestion process occurring, in that my abdomen actually moves as if there was a baby inside. Tim has seen it, and I have video to back up this wild claim. I have a deep, but not too wide gap right on my midline. You can see it when I lay down. My belly button is a permanent outie.To say that I am obsessive about this is an understatement.  

Apparently, the "cure" to this is to build up the transverse abs (the ones on the inside), and not to engage in traditional ab exercises like crunches, b/c building up the outer abs will make the belly bigger. No thank you! Not knowing any better, this is exactly what I did after Oli. To me this seems counterproductive, b/c strong outer abs should just lock everything in. But I'm not the expert.

Since getting clearance to exercise, I have done exercises designed for the post-partum period, moved on to Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 (a favorite), and then Insanity (an absolute butt kicking favorite! Oh my, do Tim and I love Shaun T!). I have also taken classes at the Y, and most recently started running @ 10 miles a week training for a half marathon. And taekwondo (when the kids allow it). I do it to stay in shape, but I really do love the feeling of working out, especially after. It is a real stress reliever for me, and I like pushing my body in new ways to see how it responds and takes shape.

For all of the working out, I am a few pounds below pre-preg weight, and I'm getting my muscles back, but of course, my abs often look like poochy mush. Not all of the time, and my clothes fit, so I can't be that much bigger than I was before Miles. But they are soft and, especially from the side, bulging. Plus, I know they are weak and not functioning right, and that really bothers me. The fact that I can see my insides moving when I digest freaks me out.

So, after hemming, hawing, and obsessing, I bought the MuTu system. It is British, so it has to be good, right? Anyway, I bought the Focus Program, which only focuses on getting the core back into shape, as opposed to the full program, which provides an exercise regimen. I did this b/c I felt like I had a strong exercise regimen in place. WRONG! While I suspected all along that some of the exercises in Ripped in 30 and Insanity were counterproductive to closing the DR (and I sometimes subbed them out for lower impact moves), I just read on the MuTu Facebook page that any high impact activity creates intra-abdominal pressure, which works against the healing process. This includes running.

WAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

While my first thought is this could be a marketing ploy to get everyone to buy the 12 week system, I know it isn't true. I knew that what I was doing could be counterproductive, but I couldn't help myself. I did think running was okay, but in the last few weeks, my waist has actually gotten an inch bigger. Coincidentally (or apparently not), I have really upped my running in the last few weeks in preparation for the half in September.

DENIED!

So what is okay? Low impact exercise, such as bike and elliptical. Blah. I am no good at riding a bike (can I get an AMEN from anyone who knew me as a child?). I guess elliptical can work, especially b/c it works arms and legs. And I guess I can get back to spin class, which I had been gleefully avoiding because of my bike aversion and the fact that it is really hard work for less calorie burn. I am grateful that I have a Y membership that will allow me to continue to work out, but they aren't the workouts I like.

I am very bummed, but hopeful that I have found a reason why the ab work might not have been working. I'm hoping that I can strengthen up and get back to running ASAP. 

Coincidentally (or not), this revelation came on the heels of me "giving up obsessing over the DR." Our pastor gave a great sermon on Sunday about things that are keeping us from serving God. And I realized that my obsession over the DR (which is partly about health and largely about looks) was taking over too much of my thoughts, and really affecting my moods.

Although this post belies the fact that I haven't stopped obsessing, I am hoping that changing my routine, combined with the mental shift that I am desperately trying to enact, will help me to be a bit calmer and look at the bigger picture. It will be harder, since I won't be able to rely on routines that I know work in other areas of fitness, but I hope that I am up to the challenge. Perhaps I have to focus on the metaphorical marathon, rather than the sprint.

The new man in my life

I have a new man in my life. He is adorable and amazing. It is my sweet nephew Harry. He was born on Friday, 6/7. I have gotten to see him 4 times and it isn't enough. I can't wait to see him again!

I am so excited to be an aunt! It is a role I have wanted to play for a long time. My sisters have all been such good aunts to my kids, and I have a great aunt myself. I can't wait to read to him, play with him, bring him treats, and let him know how loved he is. I am so excited to watch our kids grow up together - especially because he and miles are so close in age. 

Welcome to the world, sweet Harry! Aunt Lisa loves you so much!!

Happy Anniversary (and many mooorree!)

2001 -- after 4 months of dating

 Two weeks ago, Tim and I celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. According to ask.com, "Tin is the traditional material for the 10th wedding anniversary and the 10 year wedding anniversary is called tin because is a symbol of how a successful marriage needs to be flexible and durable plus bending it without getting broken." Although it is somewhat poorly written,  I can agree with the sentiment. I think that Tim and I have  had a great 10 years, and part of that is because we are both flexible, don't like conflict, and are willing to compromise. However, I know that we have also both changed and grown to be more flexible, more accommodating, and more willing to see each other's side in everything. Also, his side has often become my side, and vice versa, as we have really adopted a team mentality to get through life and parenting.

2001 -- Boston -- our first trip together

In 10 years of marriage (plus two more together), we have done a lot and gone through a lot. I often think back to our first days together and remember them as so much fun. We went out all of the time, whether it was to dinner, out with friends, or on trips. We saw Broadway shows, went to Boston and DC, Florida, and Las Vegas. I was in graduate school, and we even worked together for a while as helped out at the karate school. We had our house on New Street and had great parties.

2002 in Las Vegas -- Newly Engaged!

We were also pretty independent. Tim had his hobbies (paintball) and I had mine (talking to Beth). We were a couple, but I wouldn't say we were a team. Enter Mackensie. I think I was ready for kids before Tim was, and adjusting to having a new member of the family who didn't drink beer or want to go to the movies at the drop of a hat was a bit difficult. But we changed, grew, and adapted our priorities, and evolved into a family. It was inevitable -- after all, who can who can say no to Mac?

Enter Oliver. I had definitely pushed to have Mac, and I was also the one who really wanted a second as soon as possible. Tim (wisely) made us wait a while, and then we had trouble getting pregnant with Oli. I would say that getting Oli's diagnosis at 20 weeks is when we really started to gel as a team. There were a lot of decisions to be made and emotions to sort through. Tim was an amazing support, and what could have been a very hard time was a wonderful time where we grew and learned and came closer as a family. I think we learned that we could really count on each other for anything, and again, we had to adapt priorities and draw tighter as a couple while at the same time expanding as a family. In my mind, it is kind of marks a new era in our family.

Over the next few years, we juggled schedules while I got my degree, dealt with the sinking economy and its effect on Tim's business (and subsequently our finances), dealt with Tim's mom's diagnosis of cancer, suffered miscarriage and loss, and ultimately had to sell our house and Tim's business and move to PA. We are so fortunate in that each of these things helped us to grow closer together instead of farther apart.

I would say that we turned another corner in our relationship and family when we had to move and sell the business. We really got on the same page as a couple in terms of finances. I like to think that money is not a big deal - happiness is. And that is true. But coming together in terms of finances brought us together as a team -- both symbolically and practically we were uniting to take care of our family in a way we hadn't done before. While budgeting isn't easy, and leads to its own share of conflict, we now make all decisions for the family as a couple.

Enter Miles. A completely unexpected and welcome surprise. A perfect addition to the newest phase of our lives. Possibly because there is strength in numbers, or the more the merrier, Miles has helped us to grow yet again. Also, our growing faith in God and Jesus as a family has finally put us on the same page in terms of a lot of beliefs and values, which has helped tremendously in terms of working together to prioritize, parent, and relate to each other.

While we have had plenty of life events that stand out as trials that helped us to grow and evolve, I would say that our relationship is glued together by the little day to day events that keep us having fun and connecting: our tradition of going to Ocean City every year, working out together, taking Mac to dance and going to the Freehold mall, day trips to the shore,  stealing time alone while the kids are at school, getting ice cream, movie night, and making little things a big treat.

This post feels like one big jinx. I'm not saying that we don't have conflict, and sometimes when we disagree, I get a glimpse of how easy it could be to let go, give up, and/or shut down and drift apart. If one of us doesn't make the effort to reach out, it is easy to harbor anger and withdraw. It is also easy to take each other for granted. I hope and pray that none of that ever happens. I always thought that being a parent was the ultimate relationship and priority, but I realize now how important the marriage relationship is. I am blessed to be Tim's wife, and there is nobody, or nowhere, I would rather be.

Our most recent portrait

Homemade Fun

Tim had to work a lot this weekend, and I admit, I was a little afraid of a wide open day from dawn until bedtime of just me and the kids. That's a lot of hours to fill, especially because I don't always feel up to a trip out. It is a lot of lifting, we are on a budget, and the kids usually want to buy something, so every conversation devolves into a debate about now much allowance they have and ends in tears. My anxiety was upped when I realized the block yard sale was the same day. Mac has been waiting for it all year. But as we found stuff around the house to sell, I started to get excited. This could be a lot of fun!

And it was! The kids hung out with their friends from across the street and we made @ $90. It was a lot of lugging and set up, but also a lot of fun. It was gratifying to see Oli get along with the other boys on the block, and even Mac was able to play without much conflict (she and the other kids have a love/hate relationship). They also bartered for some DVDs, so we were able to score Spider-Man 3 and fantastic 4. Not high on my list, but better than another round of Disney shows.

After that, we got u-swirl (my obsession) and got oli's haircut. Although I was ridiculously attached to it long, it is cuter than I could have hoped.

Yes, minor tantrums were had and some attitude was thrown around. But all in all, a fun and conflict free day!