The Good and The Bad

It has been a rough few months.

Tim's mom died about three months ago. Although she had been ill and getting worse, it was still completely unexpected. In addition to the complete sadness that the loss of such a wonderful person brings, it has also unearthed a lot of family issues that had been bubbling under the surface. I always realized how much work she was doing, both day to day as well as keeping the family knit together.  But now that she is gone, taking care of Tim's dad has become everyone's responsibility. I can't help but feel that if we are taking care him once a week, we should have been doing the same for her. Although, I know they made it somewhat difficult for us to step in, as they had their routines, habits, and privacy issues. But at the same time, I think Nancy would have benefitted.

So, we're all a little sadder, a little tenser, and a little more stretched thin. Although we are happy, I would say joy is a little harder to find.

We are in a season of thanksgiving and joy, and I want to soak it up. I can honestly say that I am grateful and happy every day. But not carefree, not unbridled, not even enthusiastic. I try to remember to give my burdens to the Lord, but then I keep welcoming them back.

We will get there. Nancy would want it that way.

Shifting the Way I Think

It is no secret that I struggle with the "work/life balance" I'm always looking for extra time, worrying about family when I'm at work, and worrying about work when I'm with family. I have a hard time fully committing to what I'm doing, b/c I'm always worrying about what I'm not getting done.

I've lamented the fact that I didn't get enough done leading up to this point, and that is why I am struggling to get tenure. Which I'm not even sure I am. I might be fine. But I know I could have done better leading up to now. But lately I've realized:

I've been doing what I had to do. I've been living.

Yes, it's been a harried type of living, but that's life. A lot of academics wait to have kids until (at least) after they graduate, and even more until most of their tenure pubs are out or they've gotten tenure. But I decided I'd rather have kids. And I did.

Child care when we lost Tim's mom as full time help. Tim in the morning and me from three until beditme. Productive? No. But necessary. And of course, with our awesome family, I got a lot of help.

A second job when we needed extra income. Sometimes I look back and I wonder what I was thinking. That was a lot of time each week I could have been writing.

But

We needed it. And it was a lot of extra time with my mom. It was a lot of fun. And it was part of what our family needed to to at that time.

Training for multiple races when I could use those long run mornings to fit extra work in. Duh. But, I love running, and now I can say I've run 2 half marathons and the Broad Street Run. And I will do it again.

Working out when I could be working? Same as above.

So whether I get tenure or not next year*, I can happily say that I didn't put my life on hold while I was working toward it. Have I made people's lives miserable in the process? Probably a little. Have I stayed up nights worrying? Yes.  But I haven't missed out. At least not on that much.

And so next time I'm up late worrying, I'm going to remember that it is all part of life. I love my job, I feel like I'm supposed to be there, But if I have to find a new one, that might be okay, too.

I realized that this post alternately makes me sound like a self-satisfied do-it-all, a horribly disorganized procrastinator, or a delusional pre-emptive rationalizer in  case I don't get tenure. I hope I'm none of the above, but maybe I'm all three. My only point is that I am going to step back and try to measure my accomplishments by more than whether or not I get tenure/succeed in the workplace/etc. And in doing so, embrace a fuller definition of success and living.

* Bold statement, I know. Check in with me if I don't get tenure next year, and remind me about these grand thoughts.

Edited to add: I wrote this a few days ago and didn't post because I wanted to add a picture. In the meantime, I looked up a colleague who graduated after I did and saw that she already has two publications this year. TWO! And three for last year?! I'm hanging on hoping one of my revise and resubmits will come out. A true test of my new perspective.

Prayed a bit, got my priorities in check, and I'm better now. Only thinking about it once every two minutes, which is  big break from the once a minute I was thinking about it before.

A total work in progress.

Those Summer Nights

Yesterday was a total mom day. It contained two of the critical elements of mom-hood: play and care. First, all three kids went to the dentist. Tim and I walked among each of them as they got their teeth checked and cleaned. Even Mac wanted some extra loving as she waited for the dentist. And in a sign that I am bumping up on becoming the mom of a tween, we were referred to the orthodontist. I don't even want to think about it.

When we got home, Mac was really insistent on wanting to go to the park. So while dinner was cooking, we went to the playground by her school, and boy, did she talk. She told me about what they play on the playground, stories about each of her friends, and how her teacher talks about the students but covers her mouth with a soda bottle so students can't hear what she is saying (although Mac says they hear every word). We were outside (!), talking, and laughing. It was a great and much needed mother daughter time that I hope to repeat very soon.

After dinner, we sat down to watch the 6th Harry Potter movie. We've been working our way through them since listening to the third book on CD while driving to/from vacation. Miles had other, more disruptive ideas, so I took him for a walk outside. There is very little that I enjoy more than holding his little hand. It has got to be one of the sweetest feelings in the world! As we rounded the culdesac, our neighbor came out and gave us fresh vegetables from his garden. And we wound up staying and talking for quite a while. During this time, Miles got free, stepped in poop,and  smeared it on my leg when I picked him up. Good times!

All joking aside, it really was good times. I love the days when I feel like I am helping the kids and doing real "mom" stuff. Sometimes I worry that we don't do enough outside, or play enough without video games or TV. Like most summers, this one is flying by, and I feel like I haven't done half of the stuff that screams "summer." But last night, I felt like we nailed it, and it was great.

New Chapters

This is me handling stress. Really, you wouldn't know from the picture that this was one of the most stressful dinners on record. Miles wouldn't calm down, which included throwing everything and screaming at the top of his lungs. Mac and Oli -- behaving marginally better than Miles. Tim and I squabbled over seating arrangements, and it turned out that I was (!) wrong. All of the drinks had rum and fruit juice -- too much sugar!! That was my surface stress. Everything else was simmering under the surface. What, you ask? See below.

While we are hitting the point in the summer where all of the days start to blend together, things are definitely staying fresh for us. We are in a time of change, and very soon, hope to be starting a new chapter.

The biggest transition is Tim opening a martial arts school. When he sold his school a few years ago, he thought about leaving martial arts altogether. However, after a few months away, and realizing he didn't have a ton of other options that he would both enjoy, and held the same potential for profit, he went back into martial arts. He worked for his friends for a year and a half, and it went well. But between a long commute and the fact that we had always owned his own business, he decided it was time to leave. We had scoped out possible locations around our house when he sold his school two years ago, and knew our choices were limited. And while a viable option presented itself pretty quickly, negotiations fell apart and we are back to square one. He is in talks now with another location, but it is expensive, which is scary. I believe in what he can do, but I worry about the months it will take to really get the business off the ground.

A lot of our other changes hinge on the school. For example, we are back into mega-budgeting mode. Or at least trying to get there. We are a one-income family now. We have savings, and start-up money for the school that we can use, but the goal is to live off of my income until things get going. Definitely doable, but definitely a challenge. We've already cut the obvious places (cheap phones, cable, etc.), but we've been indulging in a lot of extras lately (soccer jerseys, anyone?). I am making it a renewed challenge to eat healthy on a budget. And in what I'm taking as a good sign, this cookbook came across my Facebook feed. I think we spend @ $180/week when all is said and done. My goal for this month is $140. Not extreme, but $40/week can really add up. Bye bye green smoothie powder!

Babysitting? Schedules? Can't really make them until we know what is going on with the karate school. If we don't figure it out soon, we could lose our babysitter, which would be a disaster. But one thing I know, regardless of schedules, is that I am getting to at least a 35 hour work-week of smart work (i.e. no Facebook or blogs until tasks are finished). Period. I am going to be working like its, well, my job. This is my last year before my tenure review, and things are kicking into high gear. I am close to the point of no return with publications -- in another two or three months, anything I submit likely won't be published in time for consideration, given the time it takes for the editorial process. Previously a quip, "publish or perish" is now my mantra.

Cathing. Oli now gets catheterized every three hours. Or an approximation of that. We have to get more regular, and get him more involved, so that he can start to do it himself. He seems in no rush, and does not seem to anticipate the day that he won't want me to do it. However, we can't leave him anywhere (playdate or babysitter) for more than three hours, and this is only going to get harder once Tim and I are both working.

I guess a lot of what we need comes down to structure. Structure is hard in the summer, especially since Tim and I are basically on opposite clocks. I'm wavering between absolutely overwhelmed and up for the challenge. So maybe what I need, then, is just to relax, be smart but not crazy, and take things as they come.

Nah.

It is the beginning of a new month, and we just got back from an amazing vacation, so the time is ripe for change. And there is pumpkin ale at Whole Foods, so that means the bittersweet routine of fall is just around the corner. Maybe a little of each (routine + beer) is just what I need.

Painful Conversations

I'm listening to Tim talk to Oli in the other room, answering Oli's questions about 1) whether his friend Ian will still like him even though he wears diapers, 2) why he was born this way, and 3) why he wasn't born a cat or a dog (Yes, the questions run the gamut). It is breaking my heart, and we are getting more of these questions than ever. We've started catheterizing him, in the hopes that he can get out of diapers. Although I question doing it, b/c it isn't medically necessary, it is clearly very important to him to be out of diapers.

Oli is such a sweet boy, so patient in his questions, and as of yet, not angry. I fear that someday he will be, and I won't know how to handle it. We got the name of a therapist, who I have put off calling, but think I will do it now.

I want to give him all of the resources he needs to be happy and successful, but sometimes it is overwhelming, for both me and him. So far, we have operated under the philosophy of getting him what he needs, but without making spina bifida the driving force behind everything he does. So, he is not in 5 different therapies, which could be helpful to him, but in focusing more on family outings and family time, we hope he leads a more "normal" life. Now that he is getting older, and his peers are doing so much that he can't do, this philosophy might have to be tweaked. It his hard to find "typical" sports and activities that he can be part of, but there aren't a lot of choices for kids with disabilities in the local vicinity. We are lucky to live near Philly, which has the potential to offer more, but with two other kids and two full time jobs between us, Tim and I can't take advantage of all of these opportunities. And cathing, though a wonderful way to get him out of diapers, keeps us bound to him every 2-3 hours, which means we can't really be mobile for much more than that in each outing.

At the end of the day, I want him to be active and engaged. I need to figure out the best possible way to do that and keep 1) my sanity 2) his sanity 3) Mackensie and Miles satisfied. I am a big believer in less is more (activities, stuff, etc.), but I don't want to fall into the trap of too little too late.

Food Snob

In my effort to be healthy, I've cut down and cut out a lot of stuff. I try really hard not to have added sugar, too much dairy, or just about any bread. I use honey, if anything to sweeten. We use cocunut milk instead of regular milk. I make meat roll-ups or salads instead of using bread or wraps. For the most part, Tim does the same. I definitely feel healthy, and I think* I'm not as bloated as I used to be.

However...

In thinking about our budget, I realized that a lot of the cheaper meals that I can make rely on types of bread. Spaghetti came to mind. Turkey sandwiches for lunch. Pancakes. Or tacos without meat.

So...

I'm thinking I might have to suck it up and eat it up. PB&J once in a while won't kill me. Beans and quinoa alone are good in a taco -- skip the meat. Eat pancakes when I make them for the kids, rather than making eggs for myself. Keep to the greens and healthier stuff, but don't make a special trip when I run out, and don't make two meals for one meal time. Eat one pot, eat in bulk, and like it.

I read an article a couple of years ago that talked about how only richer nations, America specifically, are concerned about diet drinks, diet foods, and calorie counting. Because in a lot of other areas, people need all of the calories they can get. And when I start to go overboard, and spend overboard, I feel truly convicted by that thought.

Let me say that as far as I know, I don't have any dairy, gluten, or other food issues. I've made my food choices totally based on health and/or calorie preference. That is what makes me a food snob in my mind. If you have food issues, then it makes 100% total sense to cut out food groups and make substitutions to any extent necessary.

Even though I doubt I'll be having a big pasta dinner anytime soon, I am going to work on loosening up. I want to find the balance between budget and health. I think it is a fine line between eating as healthily as possible (primarily whole foods) and being stringent to the point of being wasteful (throwing out a bun that came with a hotdog). 

Besides, until beer and ice cream can be considered "whole foods," I'm a lost cause anyway.


*This may totally be mind over matter.

Where We Hit and Where We Miss

Lately, it seems like the cost of everything is out of control. We try to live on a pretty tight budget. For a while, we did the Dave Ramsey envelope system. But we aren't so great about taking the time to get the cash at the beginning of each month, so we debit for a while, and then the amounts get all messed up. For the last few months, we haven't even gotten the cash at all. And it shows. Little purchases here and there that really add up. I have a hard time putting a cash amount on certain things, thinking "It couldn't really cost that much!" and then underestimating; and Tim has a hard time finding the value in some things, and then doesn't budget for that category even though we need to.So while we still give every dollar a home when we get paid, the dollars have been moving without our tacit permission.

With us going down to one income for a month or two (or three, or more. It really depends on how quickly the karate school takes off), I've been stewing the cost of living over in my head. There are some places where we still really hit it in terms of saving, and there are other places that are flat out misses.

I'll start with the good:

1. Nails: Anyone who knows me knows I love my nails. Long and acrylic. These Jersey nails really miss their  pizzaz. And it is finally in style to have long, fake nails (I get that is subjective, but it is more common than usual. Thanks Rihanna!) But it is really hard to justify adding that to the budget. @ $20 bi-weekly adds up to $520 a year. Actually, that doesn't sound that bad. But I know that money could be better spend somewhere else (again, subjective, but I guess Tim knows that money could be better spent somewhere else :)

2. Hair: I color my hair at home, which has so far worked out pretty well. I did fine it sort of silly to pay $60 or more to have someone help me find the perfect shade of brown. ummm...and especially since my increasing grays have me coloring more often than in the past, it is a budgetary item I again can't justify. But...I tried something different last time, sort of a purplish brown, and while it came out well, I can tell I didn't apply the color evenly. And my hair is kind of dry. So I'm wondering if maybe the extra money is worth it...

3. Hobbies: We are pretty good at not spending money on extras. We did have the kids in swim, but they revolted and refused to go. So after a few months of holding onto our Y membership, which I use occasionally, we decided to drop it. At the discounted Y rate, we were paying $70 a month, and that can definitely go somewhere else (nails?!). I will miss it, especially in the winter when I can't run, but  maybe we will get a used treadmill.

4. Used Stuff: We buy a lot of it. And we price compare online and then usually order cheap stuff online. It works a lot better than I thought it could.

5. House Stuff: I haven't bought holiday themed place mats in years. We could actually use new pillows (this I"m getting. Soon. It's just an example). We take care of big stuff like the shed (okay, our home owner's insurance made us do that), but for the little stuff we try to get by on what we have.

6. Saving: We manage to save every month, and also put money toward Tim's retirement (mine is automatic).

I'm sure there is other stuff Tim has given up, but I don't realize it. We do talk about almost every purchase, so we have to agree on it before we buy it. Luckily, we agree on most of it. But I do miss my own credit card, where I could have a target splurge or, well, get my nails done...

Groceries: Groceries go in the middle, b/c despite my best efforts, I feel like we overspend. I think we spend $160-$180 a month on just groceries. We don't have a stocked pantry -- I pretty much buy what we need and then we eat it. We rarely have a lot left over on foodshopping day (which makes us eat out, so maybe I should buy more groceries). I do buy organic dairy and I try to buy quality meat and fish. The vegetarian in me still skeeves at factory sourced meat). And fruit. Probably this isn't that unreasonable, but I can't believe how much we spend for one week. And we usually eat out 1-2 times a week. Or more lately.

The Ugly:

Eating Out: Bad Chewnings! Actually, not horrible, but we have gotten lax. I can't say no. I actually did last night, but only b/c we've spend so much lately. But I love me some food, and going out gives us so much more variety than eating home.

Supplements: We bought the new P90x3 workout series, and with it, we bought recovery shake, a pre-work out supplement, and then there is something else that Tim takes. And I have bought a supergreen powder for morning smoothies (which I did price compare and got the cheapest that had good reviews.) All of this is probably unnecessary. But soo good!

Buying Stuff: We all "needed" some new clothes for the summer, and once the floodgates opened, we really got stuff. Again, not horrible. All on sale. But possibly more than we needed. For example, Tim and I both got some new workout gear the other day. We didin't spend a ton, but arguably, we could have done without. And we each got a new pair of crossfit sneakers for P90X (again, off of ebay, and i think mine might be used, but still...) And one of us has gotten into the habit of buying online comics and video game skins. Not saying who, but...

I'm sure there is more, since things have been feeling kind of "loose" lately. But I know we have to reign it in soon. One thing that will save us a lot is that we won't have a babysitter from the middle of June through the end of August. Our babysitter is money very well spent, but she is going away for the summer. However, Tim is taking off the month of July to prep for the school, and will then be building out the school in August, so he will have the extra time to watch the kids.

I know we actually have everything we need. It is just a matter of not wanting anymore. That is sooo much harder than it sounds, and I underestimate it every time. But it's been almost a year since I had my nails wrapped, and before that, I had gone a year, too. So if I can do that, I think we can do anything.

Where We're At

Sometimes, I'm not really sure.

But a brief overview of our recent achievements and trials:

Broad Street Run

I'll pick back up where I left off. I made it!! 10 miles in what was almost a personal record: 1:30:19. I ran a 5k a few weeks before with a sub-9 minute mile, which was AWESOME, but, I thought I was going to die. Could never have sustained that pace for an entire 10 miles. So, it was actually a good lesson to learn before Broad St. I didn't start to get tired until half way though mile 7. And the best part? Thanks to some very generous donations and a connected super-Uncle, I was able to raise $1800 for Fred's Footsteps.

I'm still in training for the Odyssey Half Marathon in June. I'm hoping for a running buddy but might be doing it alone. I'm still nervous, but running Broad St. boosted my confidence a lot. My interest in running had waned, and I was much more into our new P90X3 (it's always something with me and Tim), but I'm back on the run again!

my post-race treat

Oli

While there is plenty of other stuff going on, Oli has had the lion's share of my time and attention lately. Although we are always conscious of the spina bifida, we can go for a good stretch of time without it becoming acute. However, we've recently hit a series of events that remind me just how much he has to deal with.  

He has certainly experienced an increased awareness that he is "different,"especially with Miles walking now. He seems a bit sadder lately, a bit moodier. He can still be uplifted by super hero anything, but he isn't always himself. In some ways, he is regressing. Maybe becoming a bit less focused, acting and talking more like a "baby." I had his IEP meeting last week, and his teachers (main and support) said that while he is on par academically (YAY! HUGE!), he is not proactive or engaged enough. On the plus side, they said he is capable of more, on the negative side, he isn't trying.  I know what they are saying. Sometimes, he just doesn't want to do anything, and other times, he seems to forget what I've said. For example, all day on a Saturday, I can talk about going to meet daddy out after work, but then when we get in the car, he asks where we are going. He doesn't seem to track everything that is going on. I'm not sure if he isn't engaged b/c he isn't tracking, or he isn't tracking b/c he isn't engaged. We have a clinic appointment on Wednesday, and we are going to look into getting him registered for a neuropsych evaluation that will give us more insight into his memory and focus issues.

He has also been out of braces for months, shortly after we went rogue and stopped serial casting him. It hadn't been working, and he was missing a day of school a week. Plus, it was really hard to coordinate with our work schedules. We are going to address this in clinic, too. I brought it up via email, and our clinic coordinator said to think about our/Oli's long term mobility goals. As much as I hate to say it, I think the wheelchair is it. The HKFOs he has to wear just to use his walker are so heavy that he wouldn't be able to lift his body weight onto furniture or in the car. And I can't lift him anymore even without the braces, so I can't imagine how we could go back to them (even if they fit). He flies around in the wheelchair, and I think it gives him more autonomy, so it seems to be the way to go. But at this point, he can't even wear shoes. We'll see what Wednesday brings.

Finally, my poor guy had a horrible reaction to disposable training pants this week. He has all but outgrown size 6 diapers, so I went out and bought him disposable training pants. Within hours, he was broken out from thighs to neck. He is doing better, but I'm afraid to try anything new. Add this to the list for Wednesday.

either he is hiding from it all, or he is just a straight up goofball

Mac

Growing up so quickly. Don't even... 


Miles

Really couldn't be cuter...my happy little snausage



Tim

Looking to open up a martial arts school in the neighborhood, but sort of getting the run around on the location he wants. We looked for possible alternates today -- we'll see what happens. Hopefully, it will all work out. It would be so nice to have him closer to home, as well as home more often. We'll keep praying...

Overall

Happy, tired, and crazed. Looking forward to the summer. Can't wait to see what happens next!

Ever Day I'm Running

Okay, not literally. Not even close. February was the longest.month.ever. Which is ironic, b/c it is the shortest month of the year. We were sick straight from 2/5 through 3/7. And Miles is still on antibiotics. We have had everything from norovirus, to strep, to a double ear infection. Fevers? We've had those. Did I mention that I also had periods where my limbs would just go numb? The doctor thinks it is a vitamin D deficiency, and so far, taking a supplement has helped. But really, February sucked (other than some special birthdays, of course). Work -- what's that? Exercise -- huh?

I did manage to get some runs in, and I worked back into lifting weights. And I dreamed big. I signed up for a June half marathon with Beth. And just the other day, I signed up for the Broad Street Run. I signed up through  Fred's Footsteps, which is the organization that funded Oli's accessibility ramp. We love them. They are a generous organization with a great cause, and happen to be staffed by very nice people. In addition to the accessibility ramp, they sent us Target giftcards at back to school time and during Christmas, as well as an Acme giftcard at Thanksgiving. We were even part of the video they showed at their fundraising event this year. So it is a win/win. I get to fund raise for a great organization -- AND -- I get to run a race that I have wanted to run for years now. I was signed up in 2012, and found out that I was pregnant with Miles. I have heard that it is a lot of fun, and really motivational. I can't wait.

Yesterday was day 1 of "training," and I didn't even get out the door. But today, I capitalized on the weather and after walking Mac to school, set out on a run. Since I don't have GPS on my phone anymore, I don't know exactly how far I ran or in what time, but I did somewhere between 3 1/2 and 4 miles in I have no idea how long, since the podcast I was using to time it restarted right at the end of my run. I've run a half marathon before, so I know that I can do it, but I also remember that it was hard.

Hopefully, the weather will hold, and I'll be able to kick training into full gear. I'm looking forward to getting back into top running shape, and I'm really looking forward to running the races I have lined up. This year, I will spring ahead with speed!

This Girl's Birthday

For Mackensie's birthday, we made the pigrimage to NYC to the American Girl store. It was a wonderful day. Our time in NY was marked by true joy and wonder. Things that could have been overheard on our trip:  "I love you," "You're the best mom," "This is the best birthday ever," "This restaurant is even cooler than the American Girl cafe" and "I want to do this every year." Mackensie only offers praise when she means it, so I know she really enjoyed the day! I think it was one of my favorite birthdays, too!

We started with lunch at Bill's Bar and Burger. It was a stumble upon, in that we didn't plan to eat there, but it was delicious and reasonably priced. I'll admit that I started with a Sam Seasonal. I wasn't sure what the store would be like, and I felt like a little preparation couldn't hurt :)

One of Mac's dolls, Layla, joined us. She apparently won the contest that was running among Mac's AG dolls, which earned her the coveted trip to her place of origin. Her reward? Getting to watch us eat lunch, and the new bracelets that Mac made for her at lunch. The bands came with the kids meal.

 

Then, we were off to the store. It was big, but not quite as big as I had expected. However, the amount of accessories and details available all under one roof was amazing. There was the general store, the library/book store, the floor for the historical dolls, a salon for doll ear piercing and hair-dos, a pet store, and a hospital. On the floors we didn't visit, there was also a restaurant and the Bitty Baby nursery.

 

 Although she isn't intersested in owning her, Mac also got acquainted with the new girl of the year.

 I have a love/hate relationship with American Girl dolls. Or, at least, a love/not-love relationship with them. I feel like they carry with them an inherent sense of uncessary privilege. It's sort of like clothes for pets; they are super cute, but I kind of feel like no pet should have clothes until every human is adequately clothed. These dolls have privileges that most kids will never know. Their outfits cost more than mine. I don't know why that bothers me more than other toys/hobbies/past times, but it does. That said, I get the appeal, especially to young girls. The detail is exquisite, and the storyline that most of the dolls come with can really inspire imagination.

In keeping with these observations, I'm not sure if the below sign makes me optimistic for our economy, or pessimistic about our culture.

And we certainly did our part to help with the economy. Although, we did make Mac save her own money, and use birthday money, to fund her purchases.

And lest I come across as someone who is above the call of consumerism and branding, I made sure that we had our customary stop at Starbucks, where I had a near meltdown because they didn't have salt for a salted caramel mocha. Yes, I did reign it in, but I had to talk myself down a little. What was I saying about privilege and society??

But look how happy it made us...

 

It was a wonderful trip that brought out the best in all of us. We were blessed with good weather, an easy trip into the City, and a chance to give Mac some one-on-one time while we knew the boys were well taken care of. I can't think of a better way to mark the birthday of my special girl.

Where Does the Time Go?

October 2013

May 2007

In advance of her ninth birthday, I will ask, Where does the time go?

It is a trite question, and actually easy to answer. The time has morphed together into 3,279 days of diapers, toys, playing, crying, laughing, yelling, reading, coloring, writing, running, learning, loving and growing. Although time has gone by quickly, I can remember so many of the days clearly, and for that I am grateful.

But when I look at pictures like this back to back, it is hard to believe that they are the same person. That my funny, opinionated, smart, outspoken Mac was ever a baby. OR that this little toddler turned into my Mac (although, to be fair, a few pictures later in this photo album there is a picture of baby Mac having a tantrum, with a look on her face that  I recognize even today). Someday, I will be comparing a picture of teen Mackensie to this picture of 8 year old Mackensie, and wondering how we got there.

And I will know, I will remember the days, but it will still be hard to believe.

A picture really is worth a thousand words, or, a couple thousand days.

The Coffee is Good, The House is Quiet

Just taking a few minutes before what I know is going to be a hectic day begins. The kids and I have been battling a bug since last Friday. Poor Mac got it the worst. This is what she looked like at the height of it


Thank God, I never got the "throw up" part, so I was able to take care of everyone. Each kid went through it, but Miles and Oli recovered pretty quickly. Tim had to work through most of it, which was maybe a good thing. I was hoping he would be spared.

Fast forward to last night.

He slept downstairs because his stomach felt funny. I will admit, I thought he was being dramatic. Tim gets "sick" very easily. But when I woke up at 5:30 this morning (it's hard to sleep without your other by your side) and came downstairs, he looked remarkably like Mackensie in the picture above. I considered taking a photo, but decided against it.

I couldn't fall back to sleep with worry over what the day would bring. So I decided to get up and get started. I made some coffee, checked into the online Bible study I've been doing (it is ANCHORED on Facebook and being run by one of the bloggers I read), and decided to start the day early. Of course, I am procrastinating now, but I couldn't help it...

The coffee is good and the house is quiet...

For the next hour I should be able to hear myself think.

After that, all bets are off.

Revisiting the Balance

So I've whined written a lot about work/life balance. I still don't have it covered, but for once, I feel it is getting better. What's the secret? Prayer, acceptance, and an afternoon dark roast from Starbucks.

Often, in the same day, I will think "I really love my job" and "I wish I didn't have to work outside the home." There would be something so satisfying about being able to focus the bulk of my time and attention on maintaining a clean and orderly house, really being able to focus more on the kids, and creating a good environment for me and Tim. It's not to say that I don't do all that, but I know where I fall short. I can't plan ahead, I don't anticipate, and the details get lost. I'm in perpetual survival mode. For example, I have all sorts of thoughts swirling in my head about cute valentines day crafts and ways to make the kids and Tim feel special on V-day. Hanging paper projects? Special V-day breakfast? Cards? Decorations? And don't forget about school! The kids need Valentines for friends, party goodies, and I often see them come home with little goody bags put together by other parents. And when I see those, I think "Who has time for that?" And there is a little scorn in my tone. But really, it's a bit of jealousy, too. And I know when the day comes, I will have hopefully have cobbled together a small basket of goodies for each kid, and maybe a card for Tim. It will be fine, but how nice to be able to do more, something that the kids remember and think "I'm so glad my mom did that." Or something that makes Tim think "My wife really loves me. She treats me so well."

Two things: 1. I realize Valentines day isn't that big a deal. It is a fun mini-holiday, and nothing more. But it is just an example of one of the times that I want to put planning and forethought into something, and it just doesn't get done. 2. I realize that the time spent with the kids and Tim is the way to show them that I love them. And luckily, I think I have that important part down. But it is more the little details that get lost in the shuffle, and I want to find a way to capture them. That is when I wish my focus was only on God, family, and building a better world through the details.

But--

I also love my job. There are days when I am writing or lesson planning (instead of procrastinating, like I'm doing now) where I sit back and consciously think "I love this." There are days when I don't, but I think that's normal. I wish that I could devote more time to it. I think I could be better at it. I want to be great at it. I try to find bits of time, after the kids are in bed, to devote to it. I've found that an afternoon dark roast is critical to achieving this nighttime burst of productivity. And even when I don't get everything done, when I look back at my week, I find more often than not that I'm hitting the big things now. Here, too, I would love to be able to pay more attention to the details. Read new articles as they come out, really explore in research rather than patch stuff together just to get it done.

I still strive to be better at both parts of my life, but I am currently in a place where I can happily accept where I am in each. I think a lot of this has come through prayer. Praying to God that I am focusing my attention in the right place. Asking Him to tell me if I should be pursuing more time home with the kids, or if teaching and writing really is where he wants me. And He has opened up new doors of opportunity at work that make me feel like I am in the right place right now, and that is comforting. So I will keep balancing until He tells me otherwise. Giving my best to both areas.

Will I be stressed?

Of course. It's hard wired into me. But for the most part, it is different now.

Will I be over-caffeinated?

Yes, probably.


It's a really good thing that I love coffee :)

This Guy

What can I say about this guy? He is amazing, energetic, adorable, opinionated, hungry, demanding, and basically a fireball. He makes Mackensie look tame, almost meek. This guy knows what he wants, when he wants it, and how. And he isn't afraid to let everyone know.

Playing with the big kids

When he was a newborn, Miles was so laid back. Everyone commented on what an easy baby he was, and I agreed. Other than a phase of crying between 5 and 7 p.m. for a couple of months, he was easy. Good eater, good sleeper, cutest smiles; basically a rockstar.

Then he turned one.

But I want it my way!

All of a sudden -- not so easy going. Although he was late to the solid foods game, once he developed a taste for them, there was no going back. He now screams like (I can only imagine) a pterodactyl if food isn't delivered in a timely manner. If he has eaten his fill for breakfast, and then I take out more food to make the big kids' lunches, he immediately screams for more. I now have to remove him from the kitchen when I feel he has eaten enough, otherwise he will continue to cry (scream) for more.




Did I mention he's mobile?

Oh, yeah. Not quite walking yet, but into everything. And when I say everything, that includes the toilet bowl. We have baby gates set up at the steps (which he managed to squeeze underneath and climb the stairs once) and blocking off the dining room/playroom area, but he knows how to circle the living room and kitchen. And quite unfortunately, the door to the spare room doesn't latch, so he is always in there trying to topple the dvd rack.

No, I'm not kidding.

I don't remember Mac or Oli being like this, although Oli wasn't really mobile. But we never had to baby proof with them. We have had to baby proof every inch of our house with this one, even the oven broiler. We have found remote controls, toys, and even him sitting in it.

Fewer and farther between, but even sweeter

Although he can hardly be contained, there are times when he is so tired out that he will still deign to sit on my lap and snuggle. Even though those times often come after he is supposed to be in bed (did I mention he won't go to sleep anymore?), and I am supposed to be working, I can't resist a good snuggle. There is nothing sweeter in the whole world.

And he still has the best smile. And a rockstar personality. And he is developing an inquisitive nature. I think this one is going to be smart, outgoing, and a LOT of trouble.

But no matter what, he will always be my love.

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