The celebration of perfect Miles' first birthday...
Halloween...
 |
| Scary Vampire hopped up on sugar |
 |
| Smooth Criminal |
 |
| Don't even ask. |
 |
| Dark Spidey |
And surgery.
My long awaited surgery to repair my hernia and diastasis. The bane of my existence for some time now. It was an elective surgery that requires 6-8 weeks of recovery, which includes no lifting of kids. It has required me to wean Miles, and not to even be able to hold him for over a week now. It has required my family to come and care for me, and for Tim to do the bulk of all of the work in the house.
Was it worth it?
At times I have felt a bit like it wasn't. I have felt vain, and frivolous. How dare I do spend this money and time and attention for something that wasn't medically necessary? When Miles is getting older every day, and my chance to nurse him is now gone. When there are people who don't have money for food, let alone elective surgery. When everyone I know has better things to do than take care of me.
But I also think it was. When I am feeling like it was vain, I remind myself that what really bothered me was that I felt like my body was broken. Not broken in a dramatic, emotional metaphor, but literally, it wasn't working right. And that bothered me. A lot. It bothered me that my core wasn't strong, and that parts of my insides stuck out when I was in certain positions, and that I couldn't exercise and use my body the way I wanted to, and it really bothered me that I couldn't fix it. I am a firm believer that positive thinking, exercise, and the right diet can fix almost anything. But not this. And it drove me crazy.
And, of course, I hated the aesthetics. Even my mom, who felt that I had no pre-surgery aesthetic issues saw my before/after pictures next to each other and said "wow." (God bless her. This is the same woman who never, once, mentioned that I should wax my eyebrows when I was younger, and the same woman who argued to my gym teacher in third grade that I deserved better than a C). Of course, the aesthetics played a huge role in my decision. But when I worry that some of the surgery pain might not go away, that the stitch I have in my side sometimes might be permanent and keep me from running, I feel the same panic and frustration that I felt before the surgery. So I know it wasn't all about looks.
 |
| I really hope the before and after is obvious, but if not: before=left, after=right |
I also see this surgery as the closing of my child-bearing years, and it kind of breaks my heart. Yes, I realize that everyone but me sees the writing on the wall, that I have my "hands full" and that 3 is the perfect number of kids for me. And no, Tim and I weren't remotely planning or contemplating more kids. But, this surgery may as well have been a hysterectomy. There is no way I could even take the chance of getting pregnant now. And even though I was already there intellectually, this surgery made me catch up emotionally. So, as the last of my milk dries up, I am letting go of that part of my life, and it kind of hurts. (And, for the record, I am of the "there's always room for one more" mentality, so probably, this surgery was a good thing for everyone's sanity.)
Moving forward, I am going to embrace health and work hard to get my body and fitness level where I want it to be. I am going to focus on being a good mom to growing kids. I am going to be grateful for the second chance this surgery has given my body, because whether it was worth it or not will all depend on how I move forward.
