I went for my follow up appointment to the D&C yesterday. It turns out that what I had was a partial molar pregnancy. This means that there was some, but not complete, fetal tissue present in my little fetus. What was fetal tissue was overtaken by abnormal cells. Which means that it never really had a chance of surviving. It had a heartbeat, and certainly looked like a baby on the ultrasound, but it was just not "viable." A partial molar pregnancy sometimes, but not always, happens when the sperm deposits an extra set of chromosomes. Unfortunately, this becomes a placental abnormality that can, in rare occasions, turn into cancer. So I have to be monitored for at least 6 months, go for a chest x-ray to make sure it hasn't metastasized, and we can't even think about trying again for 6 months to a year. My doctor did say that she has never seen a molar pregnancy turn into cancer in 15 years, and from what I have read it is extremely rare. But all partial molar pregnancies need to be treated this way just in case. Not what I wanted to hear when I went in yesterday.
A partial molar pregnancy is considered very rare. The odds are 1 in a 1,000.
Spina bifida, although the most common permanently disabling birth defect, is considered rare. The odds are 1 in a 1,000.
So what are the odds that I would experience both? I actually can't do the math. My gut says 2 in 2,000, which then reduces to 1 in 1,000, so that can't be right. But, I would argue that it seems very unlikely that both would happen to the same person.
You can find a partial molar pregnancy listed in "What to Expect When Your Expecting" under the "Managing a Complicated Pregnancy," "Uncommon Pregnancy Complications" section. This section is prefaced with "The following complications of pregnancy are, for the most part, rare. The average pregnant woman is extremely unlikely to encounter any of them. So, again (and this deserves repeating), read this section only if you need to, and even then, read just what applies to you." And then the next two pages apply to me.
So I know this sounds a bit self-indulgent and whiny. Although I could not think of the positives yesterday, some wine, conversation with a good friend, and sleep have given me some perspective.
1. I know that at least there was nothing I could have done to save the baby. It was nothing I did. In fact, my body sustained the pregnancy with no sign of trouble for two weeks after it stopped developing. Even on a subconscious level, my body wanted and cared for this baby.
2. It is a completely random occurrence that shouldn't happen again. There is nothing genetically abnormal about Tim and I that caused this or should affect future pregnancies.
3. Aside from the fact that we were super excited to have another baby, my family basically rocks the way it is. Mac and Oli are great foils to each other, and we have really hit a groove. Would we have cherished this baby? Yes. Are we suffering over its loss? Yes. Are we still in a really good place together. Yes.
I think there is more, but I have forgotten. Suffice it to say that I feel a bit more "bruised" than I did before I went in for my appointment yesterday. Although I did not get complete closure, b/c the miscarriage process is now being dragged out for at least 6 more months of bloodwork and testing, I do feel a little more ready to move on. I'm not sure why or what changed, maybe just having some answers, even if they just lead to more questions.
