A Good Question

So, I make it to my desk by 9:10, and what do I do,  but browse blogs. A temporary distraction -- a way to warm up and start the day. (or so I promise myself as I procrastinate :)

Mac is taking a camp on campus today, so it is giving me a good chance to get into my (relatively distraction free) office early. Today is the first day I am actually enacting this, although I have been getting here around 1 every day and working until she gets out at 4. I think that even after camp is over I will have to keep to this "real" work schedule. Tim is home with Oli and Miles, and I have to hope that they get breakfast. I'm realizing that I am my own worst enemy with time management, and there are some things that I just have to let go of to get other things done...and we'll see how that works out, but I'm sure that will be another post for another day.

As I was browsing one of my favorite blogs, I clicked through a link to one of her favorite blogs**, which posed excellent questions:

What is the Jesus my children are seeing through me each day?

How do I need to read, pray, fill my own heart, so that what my children and friends draw from is life-giving to them?

What do I need to confess and repent from–complaining spirit, fear, disappointment, critical attitude?

Specifically, what does each child need, at this phase of his life, from me to encourage with life-giving words, to build up, to love, to train?

I struggle with being a "not fun mom," with being tired and cranky a lot, and with having a frustrated tone when I answer the same question for the tenth time, the fifteenth call of "mom," or sometimes, even the first call of "mom, come here!" I know that it gives the kids a message that I don't want them to have, that they are annoying, that I don't have time for them, or that there are other things that are more important. Every day I wake up determined not to do it, but every day, it happens. For example, this morning, Mac walked downstairs and said to me "Mom, Miles is awake." I was tired, frustrated from staying up late to get work done and then getting up early to get other stuff done, so my response was a grumpy "Of course he is." 

That is so, so, wrong. 

Not the first thing I should say to Mac, with whom I have been struggling lately. And not the way I should feel about my precious little guy being awake.  I quick righted myself, changed my tone, and kept it cheery for the rest of the morning, but I am ashamed of how I acted. And even though I can rationalize it away (I was tired, I couldn't find my coffee measuring scoops, I spoke without thinking), the truth is that it is a pattern that I need to fix. And the questions in the post mentioned above articulated exactly what has been dancing around in my head, and exactly what I needed to think about this morning.

It was the right message at the right time. I hope that I don't forget it.

**I don't really know anything about this blog other than the post I read today, so I am not necessarily endorsing it in any way.

*** I'm sure that this self reflective crap will go away soon and I will get back to posting pictures of the kids. I thrive on not thinking things through too deeply. Denial has been my best friend for 38 years! But sometimes it helps to write it out, so here it is.

Overwhelmed

So today, I am overwhelmed.

It has been creeping up on me, and today it hit. I have a lot to do, and not enough time to do it in. And on top of my "must" list is a whole bunch of personal enrichment that I want to get to. I want to have a schedule, a pattern, but something always gets in the way. My top priorities right now are:

- more time in reflection on God. I need to delve back into the Bible and get centered. This has been on my mind for a few weeks now, and I have just started doing daily devotionals. We had a guest speaker in church today that drove this all home, but I'll get back to that in a minute.

-- get a good summer schedule for the kids, including breakfast and lunch together, enema schedule for Oli,and fun learning activities.

-- become more patient and understanding. I find myself too short and too frustrated, too often.

-- get my work done.

-- go above and beyond crisis mode for work. Actually learn and enrich myself. Be creative.

-- see Tim. Talk to him. Spend time focusing on him. 

-- get in shape. Love how it feels, and I'm a bit obsessive about it.

-- heal my core. I'm beyond obsessive about it.

And I feel like if I can do all this, relaxed and happy will follow.

I just realized "taking care of the house" didn't even make the list. But it is a necessity, even if it is only clean dishes and underwear.

Plus our babysitter is away this week. Plus, Tim is away next week.

I am stressed and short tempered and feeling like I'm not doing a great job at anything. Which only leads to more stress, which only leads to belly fat, which only leads to more stress and dismay. You get the picture. But what do I give up? What do I focus on?

I honestly don't know. 

But, we did have a guest speaker in church today. He spoke about risk and moving forward. About really paying attention to what God wants for us. About the trap of being comfortable. And it got me to thinking:

-- what does God want for/from me?

-- what does he call me to do?

-- what I am called to do may not be what I want to do, and may not be one of the things that am currently juggling.

-- everything does not have to bear fruit. Some things are so glorious they are worth just trying.

I'm not sure what to take from all this yet, but I do think I was meant to hear it. Oli had a poop accident in church today and Tim had to take him home to change. I offered to go, but he told me to stay. I didn't even really want to go to church today, but I knew we had to push and go. To get this message seems significant, and I want to really hear it. 

Maybe I am so frustrated and overwhelmed because I'm not doing what I should be doing. Maybe I'm not listening to and answering God's call.

I'm still going to move through my to do list today, but I will be thinking. I know God has a purpose and a plan - I need to find a way to listen and follow.

P. to the S. - Keepin it Real

Yesterday was totally awesome. But after I hit "publish" I realized that I made it sound perfect. Which no day is. Just so that it doesn't seem like a) I have a perfect life and b) I am holding it over people, here is the rest of the day:

- surprisingly few, but at least one tantrum

- disagreement over movie night in which Tim wanted to watch a paintball video while I watched a kids show with the kids. I promptly pointed out in less kind words than usual that wasn't family

Night, but Rather me taking care of the kids for the whole night while he did whatever he wanted. He begrudgingly (at first) joined us.

- disagreement Over our workout schedule for today, involving pent up frustration over weekly basketball games with church friends.

Did we work it out? Yes. Was the day still awesome? Totally. I don't often post about disagreements b/c they are private and often fleeting, and it seems like putting tim out for judgement, since it would be told from my point of view. But it seemed only right to put it out there today. Showing the mix of the good and the (not so) bad.

Because that is what really makes up this awesome life.

Reasons today was awesome

We all woke up together
Homemade egg sandwich for breakfast
We saw my mom and Dale
We saw my sisters (could have only been better if Krys was there)

Harry!!!
We saw GG
We had margarita pizza, so it was delicious and I can pretend it was lower fat/calories than regular
We had fro yo
Freefallin' on the radio
We had more ice cream at home
Burgers and sweet potato fries for dinner
Movie night

2 beers

Bible reading and kisses goodnight

Denied (for now)

At a recent 5K. Goodbye racing, for now :(

So, people who know me know that I am pretty fitness minded. I work out on a very regular basis, and I am a bit crazy about what I eat. My goal, I always say, is healthy not skinny. And while this is true, I'm not really looking to put on much weight, either. People who know me also know that I have diastisis recti (DR), or a splitting of the outer abdominal walls caused by a weak core and intra-abdominal pressure. The result is a weak core, and a pooching belly. And how do you get that? Pesky kids :) I think Oli being in a pike position for months on end in utero started it, and Miles just kind of spread out nicely and made the room his own. The result? Now that I am back to pre-baby weight and all over shape, I look like a snake that swallowed a mouse. When I lay down, I can sometimes see the digestion process occurring, in that my abdomen actually moves as if there was a baby inside. Tim has seen it, and I have video to back up this wild claim. I have a deep, but not too wide gap right on my midline. You can see it when I lay down. My belly button is a permanent outie.To say that I am obsessive about this is an understatement.  

Apparently, the "cure" to this is to build up the transverse abs (the ones on the inside), and not to engage in traditional ab exercises like crunches, b/c building up the outer abs will make the belly bigger. No thank you! Not knowing any better, this is exactly what I did after Oli. To me this seems counterproductive, b/c strong outer abs should just lock everything in. But I'm not the expert.

Since getting clearance to exercise, I have done exercises designed for the post-partum period, moved on to Jillian Michaels Ripped in 30 (a favorite), and then Insanity (an absolute butt kicking favorite! Oh my, do Tim and I love Shaun T!). I have also taken classes at the Y, and most recently started running @ 10 miles a week training for a half marathon. And taekwondo (when the kids allow it). I do it to stay in shape, but I really do love the feeling of working out, especially after. It is a real stress reliever for me, and I like pushing my body in new ways to see how it responds and takes shape.

For all of the working out, I am a few pounds below pre-preg weight, and I'm getting my muscles back, but of course, my abs often look like poochy mush. Not all of the time, and my clothes fit, so I can't be that much bigger than I was before Miles. But they are soft and, especially from the side, bulging. Plus, I know they are weak and not functioning right, and that really bothers me. The fact that I can see my insides moving when I digest freaks me out.

So, after hemming, hawing, and obsessing, I bought the MuTu system. It is British, so it has to be good, right? Anyway, I bought the Focus Program, which only focuses on getting the core back into shape, as opposed to the full program, which provides an exercise regimen. I did this b/c I felt like I had a strong exercise regimen in place. WRONG! While I suspected all along that some of the exercises in Ripped in 30 and Insanity were counterproductive to closing the DR (and I sometimes subbed them out for lower impact moves), I just read on the MuTu Facebook page that any high impact activity creates intra-abdominal pressure, which works against the healing process. This includes running.

WAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

While my first thought is this could be a marketing ploy to get everyone to buy the 12 week system, I know it isn't true. I knew that what I was doing could be counterproductive, but I couldn't help myself. I did think running was okay, but in the last few weeks, my waist has actually gotten an inch bigger. Coincidentally (or apparently not), I have really upped my running in the last few weeks in preparation for the half in September.

DENIED!

So what is okay? Low impact exercise, such as bike and elliptical. Blah. I am no good at riding a bike (can I get an AMEN from anyone who knew me as a child?). I guess elliptical can work, especially b/c it works arms and legs. And I guess I can get back to spin class, which I had been gleefully avoiding because of my bike aversion and the fact that it is really hard work for less calorie burn. I am grateful that I have a Y membership that will allow me to continue to work out, but they aren't the workouts I like.

I am very bummed, but hopeful that I have found a reason why the ab work might not have been working. I'm hoping that I can strengthen up and get back to running ASAP. 

Coincidentally (or not), this revelation came on the heels of me "giving up obsessing over the DR." Our pastor gave a great sermon on Sunday about things that are keeping us from serving God. And I realized that my obsession over the DR (which is partly about health and largely about looks) was taking over too much of my thoughts, and really affecting my moods.

Although this post belies the fact that I haven't stopped obsessing, I am hoping that changing my routine, combined with the mental shift that I am desperately trying to enact, will help me to be a bit calmer and look at the bigger picture. It will be harder, since I won't be able to rely on routines that I know work in other areas of fitness, but I hope that I am up to the challenge. Perhaps I have to focus on the metaphorical marathon, rather than the sprint.