Happy New Year

A photo posted by JULIA RYAN (@juliaryancreates) on Dec 12, 2014 at 3:42pm PST

I'm not usually one for New Year resolutions, however, this quote spoke to me and got me really motivated to face this new year with optimism, hope, and determination. Often, I find myself getting caught up in, and brought down by, little fails. I didn't get as much done as I thought I should -- fail! I forgot something at the foodstore -- fail! I lost my temper -- fail! And while, yes, many little fails over time can add up to big fails (i.e. I never get as much work done as I should), I am really going to try to remember that every day is a new one, and that I have a chance to move forward and make things right every.single.day. And if I can do some semblance of that, over the next 12 months, 365 (okay, 360 -- I'm already getting a late start) days,  it will be okay.

I know, I know, check with me in February.

As the sweet spot ends, and the kids go back to school today, I'd also like to take the time to look back and share some of the great times that marked the last few weeks of 2014.

The Good and The Bad

It has been a rough few months.

Tim's mom died about three months ago. Although she had been ill and getting worse, it was still completely unexpected. In addition to the complete sadness that the loss of such a wonderful person brings, it has also unearthed a lot of family issues that had been bubbling under the surface. I always realized how much work she was doing, both day to day as well as keeping the family knit together.  But now that she is gone, taking care of Tim's dad has become everyone's responsibility. I can't help but feel that if we are taking care him once a week, we should have been doing the same for her. Although, I know they made it somewhat difficult for us to step in, as they had their routines, habits, and privacy issues. But at the same time, I think Nancy would have benefitted.

So, we're all a little sadder, a little tenser, and a little more stretched thin. Although we are happy, I would say joy is a little harder to find.

We are in a season of thanksgiving and joy, and I want to soak it up. I can honestly say that I am grateful and happy every day. But not carefree, not unbridled, not even enthusiastic. I try to remember to give my burdens to the Lord, but then I keep welcoming them back.

We will get there. Nancy would want it that way.

Shifting the Way I Think

It is no secret that I struggle with the "work/life balance" I'm always looking for extra time, worrying about family when I'm at work, and worrying about work when I'm with family. I have a hard time fully committing to what I'm doing, b/c I'm always worrying about what I'm not getting done.

I've lamented the fact that I didn't get enough done leading up to this point, and that is why I am struggling to get tenure. Which I'm not even sure I am. I might be fine. But I know I could have done better leading up to now. But lately I've realized:

I've been doing what I had to do. I've been living.

Yes, it's been a harried type of living, but that's life. A lot of academics wait to have kids until (at least) after they graduate, and even more until most of their tenure pubs are out or they've gotten tenure. But I decided I'd rather have kids. And I did.

Child care when we lost Tim's mom as full time help. Tim in the morning and me from three until beditme. Productive? No. But necessary. And of course, with our awesome family, I got a lot of help.

A second job when we needed extra income. Sometimes I look back and I wonder what I was thinking. That was a lot of time each week I could have been writing.

But

We needed it. And it was a lot of extra time with my mom. It was a lot of fun. And it was part of what our family needed to to at that time.

Training for multiple races when I could use those long run mornings to fit extra work in. Duh. But, I love running, and now I can say I've run 2 half marathons and the Broad Street Run. And I will do it again.

Working out when I could be working? Same as above.

So whether I get tenure or not next year*, I can happily say that I didn't put my life on hold while I was working toward it. Have I made people's lives miserable in the process? Probably a little. Have I stayed up nights worrying? Yes.  But I haven't missed out. At least not on that much.

And so next time I'm up late worrying, I'm going to remember that it is all part of life. I love my job, I feel like I'm supposed to be there, But if I have to find a new one, that might be okay, too.

I realized that this post alternately makes me sound like a self-satisfied do-it-all, a horribly disorganized procrastinator, or a delusional pre-emptive rationalizer in  case I don't get tenure. I hope I'm none of the above, but maybe I'm all three. My only point is that I am going to step back and try to measure my accomplishments by more than whether or not I get tenure/succeed in the workplace/etc. And in doing so, embrace a fuller definition of success and living.

* Bold statement, I know. Check in with me if I don't get tenure next year, and remind me about these grand thoughts.

Edited to add: I wrote this a few days ago and didn't post because I wanted to add a picture. In the meantime, I looked up a colleague who graduated after I did and saw that she already has two publications this year. TWO! And three for last year?! I'm hanging on hoping one of my revise and resubmits will come out. A true test of my new perspective.

Prayed a bit, got my priorities in check, and I'm better now. Only thinking about it once every two minutes, which is  big break from the once a minute I was thinking about it before.

A total work in progress.

Those Summer Nights

Yesterday was a total mom day. It contained two of the critical elements of mom-hood: play and care. First, all three kids went to the dentist. Tim and I walked among each of them as they got their teeth checked and cleaned. Even Mac wanted some extra loving as she waited for the dentist. And in a sign that I am bumping up on becoming the mom of a tween, we were referred to the orthodontist. I don't even want to think about it.

When we got home, Mac was really insistent on wanting to go to the park. So while dinner was cooking, we went to the playground by her school, and boy, did she talk. She told me about what they play on the playground, stories about each of her friends, and how her teacher talks about the students but covers her mouth with a soda bottle so students can't hear what she is saying (although Mac says they hear every word). We were outside (!), talking, and laughing. It was a great and much needed mother daughter time that I hope to repeat very soon.

After dinner, we sat down to watch the 6th Harry Potter movie. We've been working our way through them since listening to the third book on CD while driving to/from vacation. Miles had other, more disruptive ideas, so I took him for a walk outside. There is very little that I enjoy more than holding his little hand. It has got to be one of the sweetest feelings in the world! As we rounded the culdesac, our neighbor came out and gave us fresh vegetables from his garden. And we wound up staying and talking for quite a while. During this time, Miles got free, stepped in poop,and  smeared it on my leg when I picked him up. Good times!

All joking aside, it really was good times. I love the days when I feel like I am helping the kids and doing real "mom" stuff. Sometimes I worry that we don't do enough outside, or play enough without video games or TV. Like most summers, this one is flying by, and I feel like I haven't done half of the stuff that screams "summer." But last night, I felt like we nailed it, and it was great.

New Chapters

This is me handling stress. Really, you wouldn't know from the picture that this was one of the most stressful dinners on record. Miles wouldn't calm down, which included throwing everything and screaming at the top of his lungs. Mac and Oli -- behaving marginally better than Miles. Tim and I squabbled over seating arrangements, and it turned out that I was (!) wrong. All of the drinks had rum and fruit juice -- too much sugar!! That was my surface stress. Everything else was simmering under the surface. What, you ask? See below.

While we are hitting the point in the summer where all of the days start to blend together, things are definitely staying fresh for us. We are in a time of change, and very soon, hope to be starting a new chapter.

The biggest transition is Tim opening a martial arts school. When he sold his school a few years ago, he thought about leaving martial arts altogether. However, after a few months away, and realizing he didn't have a ton of other options that he would both enjoy, and held the same potential for profit, he went back into martial arts. He worked for his friends for a year and a half, and it went well. But between a long commute and the fact that we had always owned his own business, he decided it was time to leave. We had scoped out possible locations around our house when he sold his school two years ago, and knew our choices were limited. And while a viable option presented itself pretty quickly, negotiations fell apart and we are back to square one. He is in talks now with another location, but it is expensive, which is scary. I believe in what he can do, but I worry about the months it will take to really get the business off the ground.

A lot of our other changes hinge on the school. For example, we are back into mega-budgeting mode. Or at least trying to get there. We are a one-income family now. We have savings, and start-up money for the school that we can use, but the goal is to live off of my income until things get going. Definitely doable, but definitely a challenge. We've already cut the obvious places (cheap phones, cable, etc.), but we've been indulging in a lot of extras lately (soccer jerseys, anyone?). I am making it a renewed challenge to eat healthy on a budget. And in what I'm taking as a good sign, this cookbook came across my Facebook feed. I think we spend @ $180/week when all is said and done. My goal for this month is $140. Not extreme, but $40/week can really add up. Bye bye green smoothie powder!

Babysitting? Schedules? Can't really make them until we know what is going on with the karate school. If we don't figure it out soon, we could lose our babysitter, which would be a disaster. But one thing I know, regardless of schedules, is that I am getting to at least a 35 hour work-week of smart work (i.e. no Facebook or blogs until tasks are finished). Period. I am going to be working like its, well, my job. This is my last year before my tenure review, and things are kicking into high gear. I am close to the point of no return with publications -- in another two or three months, anything I submit likely won't be published in time for consideration, given the time it takes for the editorial process. Previously a quip, "publish or perish" is now my mantra.

Cathing. Oli now gets catheterized every three hours. Or an approximation of that. We have to get more regular, and get him more involved, so that he can start to do it himself. He seems in no rush, and does not seem to anticipate the day that he won't want me to do it. However, we can't leave him anywhere (playdate or babysitter) for more than three hours, and this is only going to get harder once Tim and I are both working.

I guess a lot of what we need comes down to structure. Structure is hard in the summer, especially since Tim and I are basically on opposite clocks. I'm wavering between absolutely overwhelmed and up for the challenge. So maybe what I need, then, is just to relax, be smart but not crazy, and take things as they come.

Nah.

It is the beginning of a new month, and we just got back from an amazing vacation, so the time is ripe for change. And there is pumpkin ale at Whole Foods, so that means the bittersweet routine of fall is just around the corner. Maybe a little of each (routine + beer) is just what I need.