Happy Birthday Sweet Oli!

I think I use that title every year. Because Oli is just so, well, sweet! He is funny, engaging, and, well, sweet! I don't know if it is because I consider him more vulnerable that the other kids, that I still consider him my baby. As my mom has taught me, all of my kids will always be my babies, but Oli is different somehow. And as I watch him grow, I am excited to see him change, but still want to hold him close.

This has been an exciting and challenging year for my Little O. He started kindergarten, and while he made friends and learned a lot, he didn't keep up with the class. After much debate, we decided to hold him back and let him repeat. Since he is a young 5, and only two weeks ahead of the age cutoff for the school district, it seemed like the right choice to make. I still think the first year was good for him, and from the spring through the summer, especially, he has really blossomed. He can count, recognize letters, and is starting to read just a little bit. If video/computer games were a measure of academic excellence, he would be at the head of the class! He is (sometimes) curious, and always showing me stuff. His favorite phrase is "Mom, c'mere."

He often talks nonstop, but can also be quiet and patient. He has a bit of troublemaker in him, especially where Mac is involved. He is still a good snuggler, and I hope he always will be. He is, quite simply, my little buddy. I love him so much.

Some stats:

Favorite computer game: club penguin
Favorite Superhero: changes daily. I think batman is at the top right now, but I suspect superman will always win in the end.
Favorite food: spaghetti and meatballs or tacos. And anything ice cream or dessert.
Favorite shows: Batman brave & the Bold
Still loves: playing with his guys!

Wishing my Little O a happy birthday, and many more!

helping me out with recent errands. i really don't shop at wal mart much, for the record. but look what a cutie i picked up there on sale!

at orange belt promotion. i'm so proud.

loving his cousin harry!

at an impromptu ice cream party we had on his birthday.

What I'm Wearing

I have been reading a lot of mommy blogs lately (possibly the key for my undoing), even as part of a paper I presented at a conference. I have noticed that many blogs have regular features, one of which seems to be "what I'm wearing." In these posts, bloggers share the details, of, well, what they are wearing on any given day. Although I doubt it is a random day, I"m sure they dress up for it :) At first I thought it was a bit inane -- who cares what you are wearing? But in the blogs that I really follow, as opposed to just followed for my conference paper, I find myself absolutely fascinated. So, although I am no fashionista, I thought I would give it a try...

This guy! Other than when I am working, I feel like he is always either attached or at arm's length. That is how I like it. He is my little squish!

This guy. In the a.m. it might as well be attached to me. And I've started a very bad afternoon habit, too. Mostly, it's just decaf, though. Is it possible to drink too much decaf? I think I'm going to find out.

And these guys. Apparently, you can take the girl out of Jersey, but, well, you know the rest.

And since I couldn't get a respectable selfie of the bags under my eyes, you'll just have to take my word for it :)

Just in time...

As if an answer to all of my parental angst, this article came across my Facebook feed the other day. So funny, hopefully true, and extremely timely.


And -- God bless Facebook friends -- a great article about work/life balance, relatively specific to my situation. Tenure track is hard. I've been thinking about how much I hate it lately, even though I love my job. This article reminded me that I'm not alone in that, and that persisting is important for both myself and for future women (or men) who are looking to change the mold.

And now -- some eye candy ;)

And back to work.

A Good Question

So, I make it to my desk by 9:10, and what do I do,  but browse blogs. A temporary distraction -- a way to warm up and start the day. (or so I promise myself as I procrastinate :)

Mac is taking a camp on campus today, so it is giving me a good chance to get into my (relatively distraction free) office early. Today is the first day I am actually enacting this, although I have been getting here around 1 every day and working until she gets out at 4. I think that even after camp is over I will have to keep to this "real" work schedule. Tim is home with Oli and Miles, and I have to hope that they get breakfast. I'm realizing that I am my own worst enemy with time management, and there are some things that I just have to let go of to get other things done...and we'll see how that works out, but I'm sure that will be another post for another day.

As I was browsing one of my favorite blogs, I clicked through a link to one of her favorite blogs**, which posed excellent questions:

What is the Jesus my children are seeing through me each day?

How do I need to read, pray, fill my own heart, so that what my children and friends draw from is life-giving to them?

What do I need to confess and repent from–complaining spirit, fear, disappointment, critical attitude?

Specifically, what does each child need, at this phase of his life, from me to encourage with life-giving words, to build up, to love, to train?

I struggle with being a "not fun mom," with being tired and cranky a lot, and with having a frustrated tone when I answer the same question for the tenth time, the fifteenth call of "mom," or sometimes, even the first call of "mom, come here!" I know that it gives the kids a message that I don't want them to have, that they are annoying, that I don't have time for them, or that there are other things that are more important. Every day I wake up determined not to do it, but every day, it happens. For example, this morning, Mac walked downstairs and said to me "Mom, Miles is awake." I was tired, frustrated from staying up late to get work done and then getting up early to get other stuff done, so my response was a grumpy "Of course he is." 

That is so, so, wrong. 

Not the first thing I should say to Mac, with whom I have been struggling lately. And not the way I should feel about my precious little guy being awake.  I quick righted myself, changed my tone, and kept it cheery for the rest of the morning, but I am ashamed of how I acted. And even though I can rationalize it away (I was tired, I couldn't find my coffee measuring scoops, I spoke without thinking), the truth is that it is a pattern that I need to fix. And the questions in the post mentioned above articulated exactly what has been dancing around in my head, and exactly what I needed to think about this morning.

It was the right message at the right time. I hope that I don't forget it.

**I don't really know anything about this blog other than the post I read today, so I am not necessarily endorsing it in any way.

*** I'm sure that this self reflective crap will go away soon and I will get back to posting pictures of the kids. I thrive on not thinking things through too deeply. Denial has been my best friend for 38 years! But sometimes it helps to write it out, so here it is.

Overwhelmed

So today, I am overwhelmed.

It has been creeping up on me, and today it hit. I have a lot to do, and not enough time to do it in. And on top of my "must" list is a whole bunch of personal enrichment that I want to get to. I want to have a schedule, a pattern, but something always gets in the way. My top priorities right now are:

- more time in reflection on God. I need to delve back into the Bible and get centered. This has been on my mind for a few weeks now, and I have just started doing daily devotionals. We had a guest speaker in church today that drove this all home, but I'll get back to that in a minute.

-- get a good summer schedule for the kids, including breakfast and lunch together, enema schedule for Oli,and fun learning activities.

-- become more patient and understanding. I find myself too short and too frustrated, too often.

-- get my work done.

-- go above and beyond crisis mode for work. Actually learn and enrich myself. Be creative.

-- see Tim. Talk to him. Spend time focusing on him. 

-- get in shape. Love how it feels, and I'm a bit obsessive about it.

-- heal my core. I'm beyond obsessive about it.

And I feel like if I can do all this, relaxed and happy will follow.

I just realized "taking care of the house" didn't even make the list. But it is a necessity, even if it is only clean dishes and underwear.

Plus our babysitter is away this week. Plus, Tim is away next week.

I am stressed and short tempered and feeling like I'm not doing a great job at anything. Which only leads to more stress, which only leads to belly fat, which only leads to more stress and dismay. You get the picture. But what do I give up? What do I focus on?

I honestly don't know. 

But, we did have a guest speaker in church today. He spoke about risk and moving forward. About really paying attention to what God wants for us. About the trap of being comfortable. And it got me to thinking:

-- what does God want for/from me?

-- what does he call me to do?

-- what I am called to do may not be what I want to do, and may not be one of the things that am currently juggling.

-- everything does not have to bear fruit. Some things are so glorious they are worth just trying.

I'm not sure what to take from all this yet, but I do think I was meant to hear it. Oli had a poop accident in church today and Tim had to take him home to change. I offered to go, but he told me to stay. I didn't even really want to go to church today, but I knew we had to push and go. To get this message seems significant, and I want to really hear it. 

Maybe I am so frustrated and overwhelmed because I'm not doing what I should be doing. Maybe I'm not listening to and answering God's call.

I'm still going to move through my to do list today, but I will be thinking. I know God has a purpose and a plan - I need to find a way to listen and follow.