Getting My Groove Back

God is good, all of the time.

happiness in CA

I believe this, and it is an outlook that helps me every day. Whenever I am feeling my lowest, something happens that lets me know that God is watching and is faithful. I just have to pay attention. And although the last year was challenging, I have seen this faithfulness more than ever. But that isn't to say it wasn't hard at times, or that I didn't feel lost along the way.

What I have realized over the last month or so (among many, many other things) is that I lost my groove in 2011. I remember the beginning of the year as being so happy and full of promise, and by the end of the year, I was just worn out. I don't think that there is any other way to say it. When I think about this time last year, I think about attending a conference and presenting a solo authored paper in Florida, training for upcoming races, and going to Las Vegas in March. For some reason, I have pinpointed that months time and that trip as the height of my happiness for the year. Probably b/c it was fun and carefree. I was doing well personally and professionally. And somewhere within a week of Las Vegas, I got preganant.

everyday, silly, happiness

Once I got pregnant, my focus shifted and I didn't submit to my usual November conference b/c I was supposed to deliver in November. No big deal. I applied for and got the Summer Faculty Fellowship, which paid me to write a paper this summer. I was still happy personally and professionally. Although I knew we needed to budget better, we still seemed to be doing okay moneywise.

Enter May. I lost the baby. That was hard, and I don't think I, or my year, ever recovered. I got a rejection from a journal, struggled with my summer paper (about which the pressure was huge, b/c I was being paid just to write this paper), and found out we didn't really have any money. By August, my paper still wasn't done, our house was up for sale, and we were pretty much out of money.

sisterly happiness

By November, our house was sold, we had bought another, we were packing, I barely eeked out my summer paper, and things were busy and out of control. It hurt me to pack up the kids mid-year and pull them out of school.

married happiness

By December, we were in our house, and I was trying to wrap up the semester and move in at the same time. I was also desperate to get a paper out to a journal for publication, since my acceptance rate in 2011 was less than stellar.

By Chistmas, I was tired.

By January, I realized that I didn't totally feel like myself. I wasn't depressed or unable to appreciate the joys of everyday life. Although I have outlined a pretty bleak year here, I wouldn't call it "bad." I ran my first half marathon, we sold our house right away in a bad market, and we took a great vacation to CA during which we missed a hurricane in NJ. Almost every day brought me joy in some way. But I felt like something was missing, and I wasn't quite on my game.

So I have made a conscious decision to refresh. And I have gotten a lot of help along the way. First, I have been able to take a few lessons from everything that happened, and the number one lesson is that:

Pennsylvania happiness

1. Our family is great! And I mean our whole family. Our "nuclear unit:" me, Tim, Mac, and Oli, is wonderful. I love our kids, I love Tim, and I am confident that we can find happiness and comfort wherever we are. Our "extended family" is also beyond wonderful and generous: from monetary help, to emotional support, to places to live, to not judging, and to tasty and free dinners, our family has been there every step of the way. In their acts of kindness and generosity, I have seen time and time again the type of person that I want to be to others.


I have also, once again, recommitted to being more organized and work focused, and getting stuff done! To that end, I have recommitted to writing and work time, and am trying to be more organized about everything. Living closer to campus helps a lot. What also helps is a recent raise, and a "revise and resubmit," which is a conditional acceptance of a journal article. I am working to claim this year for success early on!

So God is good. Within days of my "lost my groove epiphany," I found the help I needed in blessings big and small. While I know that the work is my own to do, I know that I am never alone in doing it.